Welcome to week 1 of the return of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and just so we’re clear, nothing says college football quite like a massive hurricane pointed at Florida and likely to traipse on into Georgia and potentially mess up a lot more than the opening weekend of the most important sport in the planet.
So right off, prayers for those in the storm’s path. That includes us Pembroke Mafia Football League members, by the way. And you. Anyway, on a serious note, if you can help those likely to be hit hardest by this thing, please do. And if you need help, just holler. If there’s anything we in the PMFL can do, we will. As for the most important sport on the planet, that would be college football and it’s here not a moment too soon. Still, it’s apparently on the fast road to ruin, what with conferences running amok, imploding and exploding, and NIL - which I believe to be a good thing - making the rich richer while schools like Georgia Southern forever find themselves playing catchup. And yes, some of us miss I-AA and the triple option and Erk Russell and Paul Johnson and Tracy Ham and Adrian Peterson and Raymond Gross and J.R. Revere and Greg Hill and Cherard Freeman and so on.
Those were special times, indeed. We were fortunate to have witnessed some of it.
And that’s coming from a born and raised South Carolina Gamecock who wound up getting his degree at Southern after getting out of the Army, back when it was still in I-AA. Hail Southern.
But that’s a digression. Football is also deservedly famous of course for good looking women cheerleaders and tailgates with lots of cold beer and fried chicken and seeing people you haven’t seen since last season and wondering how they got so old, and marching bands playing “Hey Baby,” and whatever it is those curs up at Georgia and inbred orange dirt farmers in Clemson play on their tooters and beaters when their teams get out of the penitentiary and play a half or two before doing something to get their bond revoked. Sorry for the long sentences. I’m in a hurry here, finishing up the Bryan County News so I can go home and figure out if the battery in the generator went dead, since my neighbor thinks it has one. Why it would have one beyond me. My pushmower doesn’t have a battery, why on earth would my generator have one? Never mind. I’ll check it out in Wednesday morning before the storm. There may be cussing involved.
Now, some background for first time readers, which is unlikely but hey you never know.
The Pembroke Mafia Football League is a tradition at the Bryan County News and has included some of the finest minds on the planet in its ranks lo these many years.
I would run down a list of our alumni, but suffice it to say we’re talking some of the biggest movers and shakers on the planet and, more importantly, in Georgia.
Most of course had the good sense to get out of it, but a hardcore group remains and will get re-introduced now.
First up is B.J. Clark, retired chief petty admiral and a big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164. I’ve known B.J. since he was just a little 70-something-year-old kid who sort of resembled a well groomed Bigfoot who looked kind of like Fess Parker, and there’s never been a greater commander of the North Bryan Navy than B.J.
Which doesn’t explain his Auburn fanhood, but then, nothing explains being an Auburn fan.
B.J. is our CEO and president on the days he wears pants. And B.J. stands for Big Jimmies.
Up next is Mike Clark, the PMFL’s Minister of Tractor Parts and the only one of us to have groupies. Never mind if they have beer guts and mustaches and chain smoke Pall Malls and spend all their money on scratchoffs and probably haven’t shaved their legs since the first George Bush was in the White House. A groupie is a groupie is a groupie.
Be proud Mike. And then there’s Noah Covington, District 1 county commissioner and PMFL Minister of Communication Technology. Noah’s a nice guy if you stay on his good side. If he gets mad at you he’ll give you a sneer and then cut your phone service off. If he gets really mad at you he’ll cut off your cable and internet, and if he gets really, really mad he’ll pull the fiber optic cable out of your house and the ditch in front of it and sell it to Turkish speculators from Bajazastan. Then he’ll give you a wedgie. I’m kidding.
Oh, and Noah looks like Mr. French.
Or he does when he sports a beard. That is if Mr. French lived in Bryan County and wore cargo shorts and a T-shirt that says “Go Dawgs” in mustard and ketchup stains.
Up next is our official spiritual advisor, the Rev. Dr. Lawrence Butler. We just call him Larry. He likes that. Larry, Larry Larry, we say. Larry, Larry, Larry.
He’s in charge of making sure God doesn’t get too mad at the Georgia fans for all that hubris they’ve been emitting up into the ozone layer for decades, even before the back-to-back national titles. You’d think UGA was a real school or something, the way these folks act.
Up next is Ben Taylor, Bryan County’s wee little county administrator. Ben is so tiny he has a specially adapted car seat made so he doesn’t get thrown out the window by the collision of irate developers and landowners during county commission meetings.
Ben’s also a UGA fan and one of the sharpest dressed county administrator’s on the planet. He quit wearing pinstripe suits, though, because they made him look like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Or a well dressed spider monkey.
Ben also wears socks that look like they came from a Taylor Swift yard sale. And pointy toed loafer-boots made out of domestic sea turtle belly skin, which is probably illegal everywhere but Bryan County.
Anyway, we all love Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben, we say. Please get the commissioners to sign this amended agreement.
And then there’s Alex Floyd, scion of the pine tree Floyds of Clueckenheimer’s Corner fame. Alex is like the Fred Mc-Murray of the Millenials, or, to look at it another way, the Millenial Fred McMurray. That includes smoking a pipe, wearing a sweater with patches on the elbows and telling Fred’s three sons, Mike, Rob, Chip and Ernie, not to give Uncle Bub a hard time and always carry a pocket handkerchief.
There’s Bryan County Fire and Emergency Services Chief Freddy Howell. Freddy hails from Waycross and the great Okefenokee Swamp tamer Obedabadibadibidaboobajebdabideb Howell, who single-handedly saved Ware County from getting eat by a pack of Swamp Marsupials. Obedabadibadibidaboobajebbydobeedowopadoo, known fondly as Peppy, rounded up the swamp marsupials by shooting them, then promptly skinned them out and cooked them in Crisco, which he also used in his hair. Freddy is a chip off that Crisco in the hair block, we can tell you.
And then there’s Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, the next prime minister. Infinger has had so much fun being chairman for what seems like 113 terms he’s ready to step up to a bigger stage, and the bigger stage is ready for him. Word is former President Donald Trump wears Carter Infinger pajamas at Mar-a-Lego, which is how he picks his vice presidents. Stay tuned.
Up next is District 5 Commissioner Gene Wallace, who should write this column.
He’s the funniest dentist who ever lived. If I can talk him into doing a Podcast it would make him a star. He could talk about all the weird-looking molars he’s extracted, and more dental hijincks. You ever want to laugh about the things people who put their hands in other people’s mouths get up too, you should get Gene talking. Some people look at clouds and say, “that one looks like Richard Nixon, that one looks like a battle ship,” and so on. Gene does it with molars he takes to county commission meetings so they’ll have something fun to do in executive session besides listen to lawyers.
“Doesn’t this one kind of remind you of a Mr. Potato Head? Same color and shape and everything.”
“It does, it does. How about that. What other molars you got in that sack?”
“Oh, I got plenty. Here’s one that you said always kind of reminded you of your first wife, Mabelene.”
“Oh, she was a shrew, wasn’t she.”
“Yes indeedy.” “I had forgotten her.” “I wish I could.” Just don’t let Gene wave his peridontal probe at you.
Also returning for another year is the great former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil. Ted is a Michigan State man. That’s a good thing, since Ted is now back in Michigan winning press awards as a columnist and editorial writing. Ted made my job easy when he was here, but it was easy to see he was not much enamored of the heat nor the hurricanes, since both Matthew and, I believe, Irma came through during his time at the BCN. You also knew when Ted was in the office because he had the air conditioning set to 45 from about February to January. I could say a lot more good things about Ted but he’s a yankee, and we tend to try not to make their heads any bigger than they come naturally.
There’s also your’s truly, the person who has to type all this up.
Now, for this week’s picks. And, we promise this thing will be much, much shorter next time.
Editor’s note: The following comes from B.J., who emails in blue ink. That’s a Navy man for you. I like to leave it in B.J.’s lingo and let readers figure it out.
Louisville @ GA Tech --Lawrence,Ben and Ted, pick Louisville, rest select GA TECH.
Citadel @ GA Southern--All players select GA Southern Virginia @ Tennessee--All select U of
TENN ARMY @ UL Monroe--Alex only UL Monroe picker.
Texas State @ Baylor-All players select Baylor North Carolina @ South Carolina--Ted is the only No Carolina picker, rest select the MIGHTY GAME COCKS West Virginia @ PENN State--All pick Penn State South Alabama @ Tulane--Jeff the only South Bama picker. Fresno St @ Purdue-Mike Brown, Mike Clark and Jeff the only Fresno pickers Washington ST @ Colorado St--.Jeff, Carter, Mike Clark and Freddie only Colorado pickers.
And with that, welcome back. Also, in the interests of proper attribution, the photo of the naked chicken up above was stolen from what might be a Ukrainian education website. Take care.