Welcome to week seven of the Pembroke Mafia Football League’s hebdomadally exercise in picking the winners of college football games.
I know, "hebdomadally." You can look it up just like I had to.
First, let me put rumors swirling around a certain member of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, namely, one Bryan County commissioner named Noah Covington.
"The Cov," as he sometimes likes to be called — when he is not being called King of the North (more on that in a second) — is not now and never has been North Korean. He never even went trick or treating as one.
He is instead as true blue and red white and true American as my hero, Winston Churchill.
So why bring this up?
Sadly, there may be some out there suggesting that Noah, along with other commissioners, is intentionally trying to wage a sort of hillbilly cyber war on South Korea, er, South Bryan, by not approving the money to bury power lines somewhere alongside a certain state highway.
This issue, which I hear is aimed at Making North Bryan Great Again, has caused a degree of apoplexy amongst the movers and shakers in South Bryan, but that’s natural.
South Bryan is where people tend to come from places where they do things right, which is why they aren’t there anymore, and instead are here, on Facebook, telling us how we should do things like they did them back in the places they left.
But never mind that.
I just wanted to make it clear that Noah’s title "King of the North" has nothing to do with him being North Korean or golfing and fishing buddies with Kim Jong-Un, which I suspect is Korean for No. 1 Georgia Bulldog Fan.
However, I don’t know who The Cov plays golf and fishes with. It just know it ain’t me. He won’t let the press on his combination golf cart and submarine.
Can you believe it’s week seven of the football season already? That means it’s time for another quick look at the PMFL cast.
First, there’s erstwhile leader B.J. Clark, a retired Navy petty officer and big cheese at Pembroke American Legion Post 164.
B.J. once ate a whole jar of Mount Olive pickles and then drank the juice for no reason. He just stood there, stuck his chest out and said, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." Then he took a nap.
Along with B.J., we got Ernie Mitchell, who is also retired Navy and a big wheel in the Pembroke American Legion.
Ernie likes Hawaiian shirts and sometimes wears three or four of them at the same time. Sometimes that’s all Ernie wears. If you see him with a water pistol, run like a werewolf is chasing you.
And then there’s the aforementioned King of the North, aka Noah, who is considering a run for lieutenant governor if he can put this North Korea business behind him and raise the necessary support. "The Cov for Gov."
You know what that means. Free cable for everyone.
And there’s Alex Floyd. Alex, who goes by Paul in emails, is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a mystery, but he’s director of Pembroke’s Downtown Development Authority and about to become a father for the first time. No one is better qualified than Alex to become a father. The guy was born with a pipe in his teeth, slippers on his feet and a rolled up evening paper waiting for him to get home from a hard day at the office, where he gets to learn what hijinks Wally and the Beave got up to this episode.
No, wait. That was Ward Cleaver. But it’s close.
Up next is Anna Chafin, the chief executive officer of the Development Authority of Bryan County. Here’s what I know about that. Most regular counties call their development authorities "(Fill in a county’s name) Development Authority." The more important counties turn that around, and say "Development Authority of (fill in the blank with your county here)."
The DABC, as we like to call it when we get tired of typing, also spells "center" the snobby Brit way, "centre" at its industrial parks, or parkes, because that makes it seem like what’s being made out there is somehow better than stuff being made at other industrial parks. Just so you apperceive what I’m saying here.
And then there’s Trey Robertson, who also is not North Korean. Trey is an assistant superintendent in the Bryan County School system, a friendly habitat for assistant superintendents. In fact, there seem to be about 11 of them at this point, and they roam the hallways of Black Creek in search of food and printer paper.
They also whisper darkly about curriculum and other important educational stuff the general public doesn’t need to know about because it would only blow our minds.
But Trey’s a good guy, for an assistant superintendent named Trey.
And we have Mike "Vanilla Rice" Clark, long a diehard Georgia Southern fan whose GATA is about to get up and go somewhere else. Southern, as we know, is undergoing a tough time right now thanks to a couple of ill-advised hires in the athletic department. I think the school should appoint Mike as athletic director and give him unlimited power to do what he needs to do to get Georgia Southern back to the playoffs.
And yes, I mean the FCS playoffs. I miss those days.
Up next is Mark "Almost grown Rugrat" Rogerson. His mother, when I talked to her on the phone last year, did not sound amused when I told her I wrote the PMFL column. She actually sounded unamused. While it kind of scared me, I don’t blame her. This column isn’t for everyone. It’s an acquired taste, like pumpkin-flavored anything except pie.
Then there’s Ted O’Neil, the Bryan County News assistant editor. He’s a giant, bulging, beastly man — no, wait, that’s Christmas’ Vacation’s Cousin Eddie, my favorite actor. Ted’s from Michigan and went to Michigan State and right now he’s gloating around the newsroom like a giant, round-headed gloater in Teddy Roosevelt glasses and a moustache.
And finally, there’s me. I’m not North Korean either, though I do admit I’d like to try Kim Jung Il’s hair style if my wife would let me. Does he use gel or burnt motor oil to get it to do that?
This week’s standings.
B.J., Noah and Ted are tied for first with 20 misses through the first six weeks.
Anna is one slim game behind them with 21 misses over that same time span.
Mike is third with 23 misses; Mark and Ernie are in fourth with 26 misses. Alex is in fifth with 29 misses, Trey has 30 misses and your’s truly, me, has 39 misses so far, and that makes me first heading in the other direction.
A few of this week’s games.
Texas A&M vs. Florida: Alex and Anna choose the Aggies. Everybody else but Noah and me are picking something else. I don’t know who I’m picking because I’ve decided this week I’ll pick whoever Noah picks. Stay tuned.
South Carolina vs. Tennessee: B.J., Ted and Ernie pick the Vols. I almost feel bad for Butch Davis, but I hope the Gamecocks get him so fired.
Baylor vs. Oklahoma State: Everybody goes with the team that’s gonna win.
Navy vs. Memphis: Mark, Ted, Anna and Trey take Memphis. They are gonna regret it. Navy has bigger boats than Memphis.
Ohio State vs. Nebraska: Everybody takes Ohio State. And why not. They might as well make Ohio the 160th county in Georgia. It’s like the Akron Parkway on Highway 144 some days.
Michigan State vs. Minnesota: Trey selects the Gophers, probably thinking they’d go good with dumplings. Everybody else but me and Noah go with Ted’s alma mater, also known as Michigan’s little sister.
New Mexico State vs. Georgia Southern: Ted and Anna choose the Aggies. Georgia Southern couldn’t beat Richmond Hill Middle School right now, sadly.
Georgia Tech vs. Miami: Alex, Anna, Trey and B.J. go with the world’s greatest football coach.
Oklahoma vs. Texas: Everybody goes with the Sooners, with the same caveat from above: I got to go find Noah’s picks so I can pick same as him.
Holy Cross vs. Yale: Everybody takes Yale.
Now for Noah and my picks: Texas A&M, Mississippi State; South Carolina (how ‘bout them Gamechickens), Oklahoma State, Vandy, Memphis, Tulane, Ohio State (dang it), Michigan State, New Mexico, Stanford, Georgia Tech, Texas and Yale.
PS. Paul Johnson please come home.