By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
Saying good-bye appropriately with predictions
Sports column
Jeff Whitten NEW
Jeff Whitten has worked for the Bryan County News for nine years and is calling it quits. - photo by File photo

So my memory isn’t what it once was, but maybe there used to be a beer commercial that included the line “know when to say when.”

Well, I’m saying when.

Stick a fork in me. I’m done. Newspapers, no mas.

It’s been fun, it’s been real, it’s even been real fun at times — and there are a lot of folks I’ll certainly miss. But after 20 years in the business, the last nine of them here at the Bryan County News, I’ve done just about all the damage I can do and still get badly paid to do it.

So this is my last week at the good old BCN. If you see my byline floating around next week, that’s because there were some leftover stories to help the transition between me and the next guy lucky enough to have this job.

And oh yeah: There are a lot of folks I’ll miss, and I started to list them, but there are too many. Besides, I don’t want to embarrass anyone by mentioning them, and I’m certainly not going to embarrass myself by leaving anybody out. Just know that if you got an email me from me in the last day or two, then you’re on the list. Thanks for talking to me over the years.

Instead, I’ll embarrass myself by one more go-round of the old whatever this thing calls itself.

Random predictions, all fearless and bold:

• Florida wins the SEC East this year. South Carolina finishes second. Georgia takes third, which prompts UGA coach Mark Richt to go on “Dr. Phil” and admit that he’s actually an orphaned Keebler Elf named Willie. Then he’ll bake Keebler Elf cookies for everybody in the audience. Not to be outdone, Dr. Phil tries to counsel his cookie to not be afraid to own up to his responsibilities as a cookie. I don’t like Dr. Phil almost as much as I don’t like Mark Richt, whom I suspect is actually an alien from a planet ruled by talking tree frogs.

• Georgia Southern wins the Sun Belt Conference yet again and this time gets to go to a bowl. And so what if it’s the Wookiepedia Classic Free-swing Button on Suspenders and Prawns for Progress Bowl? And who cares if it’s in Urban Gopher Hole, Ohio? It’s a bowl. And we’ll love it.

• The Braves will finish 213 games out of first place. Which is pretty amazing, given that the season is only 162 games long.

• Prawns for Progress. I kinda like that. Also like Turtles for Toilets, and Cats for Commonsense. Parakeets for Psychology. Infants for Interstates. Orphans for Osmosis. Elephants for Energy. Rodents for Research. Pirates for Pencils, Talking Tree Frogs for — oh, I’ll stop now. Sorry.

• The Pembroke Mafia Football League will reconstitute itself again in 2015 under the able leadership of B.J. Clark, a fine man and Navy veteran, and future Western Samoa ruler for life Noah Covington, meaning the PMFL will once again become a mighty force for good, only without spandex. No spandex allowed in the Pembroke Mafia Football League. Ever.

• Speaking of spandex, it’s high time someone passes a law restricting the wearing of said workout attire to gyms, homes or backyards. Seems you can’t go to the Richmond Hill Kroger these days without being bombarded by a panoply of spandex-clad tushies.

• Please don’t get me wrong: Some tushies look reasonable in spandex. But many times, spandex makes it tend to look like things are fighting over something in there and might get loose, run amok down the frozen foods aisle and have to be put down by a trained alligator trapper.

• Time for people to make a stand. Say no to spandex in public places.

• Richmond Hill will get a downtown. Actually, I always considered downtown Richmond Hill its downtown — the park, city hall and all that stuff on the other side of 144 that draws traffic like gnats to a moonpie — but apparently that’s not the case, as alert Facebook users have taken pains to point out. In other words, there is no downtown in Richmond Hill. Meaning there’s no uptown, no midtown and no out of town, either. There’s just, well, Richmond Hill, the city we all know and love. Until soon, when the city gets an actual downtown of its own. Somebody will name it after a subdivision, eventually. Urban Upscale, or something.

• I don’t care what that woman says. There is The Bottom. And it’s wonderful. And it’s not in spandex.

• Thanks to my co-workers over the years, from Ruth Lee to Pat Watkins to Mark Griffin and those who work with me here now: Shana Statham, Crystal Gaines, Sue Nelson, Brent “Isaac Hayes” Zell, Patty Leon, Kathryn Fox, Ellie Mattingly, Leslie Miller, Miranda Osborn, Johnny Brown, Lisa Sanchez and Jason Wermers. And I’m leaving folks out here, too, but you know who you are. Adios, amigos. Eat your livers.

• Special thanks to those whose work is to help those less fortunate or to make the community a better place to be — Wendy Sims, Dave Williams, Roy Hubbard and Kay Green come most immediately to mind, and there are many more. If I had the space and time, I’d put their names down too.

Please feel to use this column to line a birdcage, litterbox or flowerbed. Or wrap fish. One way or the other, get some good out of it.

See you in the funny papers.

Sign up for our E-Newsletters