By Jeff Whitten, Contributor.
Welcome to week 13 or 87 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, the first and foremost authority in the entire world on all things covered under the covenant of the League of Nations – which of course has long been defunct but that’s neither here, there nor anywhere else for that matter.
After all a lot of things get defunctified, like Clemson’s chances of ever winning another national championship, and we don’t go around worrying about them. We just know they’re defunct. Kind of like Jimbo Fisher’s job at Texas A& M.
Anyway, let’s look to the future. And we’ll start by looking at this week’s standings after last week’s games.
Ted O’Neil, the large hairless Michigan Bigfoot and former Bryan County News assistant editor, is in first with 29 misses.
Mike Brown, the world’s best sportswriter and a tremendous hand at baccarat, is in second with 30 misses.
Mike Clark, the only member of the PMFL with groupies – he has a gaggle of groupies, or a groupie gaggle – is in third with 31 misses.
Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Pipsqueakious IV” Infinger, the Rev. Lawrence “Liturgical Larry” and Bryan County Administrator Ben “Knee High to a Fire Ant” Taylor are in a three-way tie for fourth with 32 misses. Infinger, by the way, is trying to take AARP membership money away from yours truly, yours truly being retired. It’s a plan that will come to wrack and ruin and be defunct next week or my name isn’t yours truly.
In fifth is District 1 Commissioner Noah “Mr. French” Covington, with 33 misses. We used to call Noah Mr. French because for most of his 29 years on this earth he didn’t have a beard, then he sprouted one and it made him look like Mr. French from “Family Affair,” a 1960s sitcom which also featured Buffy and Jody, who kind of remind some of us of the Bryan County Board of Education.
We also call Noah “King of the North” because he’s kind of like the Kim Jong Un of North Bryan, if you think of the two Bryan Counties the same way you think of the two Koreas. Which nobody does.
In sixth is B.J. “B.J.” Clark, the mastermind and Brainiac who cooked up the Pembroke Mafia Football League. B.J. is retired Navy and a Vietnam veteran. He has 37 misses.
District 5 Commissioner Gene “Lord Dolly Parton Wellingsley” Wallace, DMD, PDQ, IOU, is in seventh with 40 misses. Gene is the funniest man in retired dentistry. But if he whips out a can and asks you if to take a whiff, don’t. You’ll wake up with all your molars moved.
Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy “Ferlin Husky” Howell is in eighth with 45 misses. Freddy has Ferlin Husky hair from the 1970s. Ferlin Husky, you say, who’s that? Ferlin Husky warbled country music back when nobody tried to rap country. Those were the good old days before we got invaded by the silliness of bro country.
Alex Floyd, a scion of the Floyds, and Jeff Whitten, also known in this column as yours truly but mostly known for being short and funny looking with an enormous and oddly shaped cranium, are tied for last place with 49 misses.
Because of that, Floyd, who is not a barber but is on the Bryan County Planning and Zoning Commission and also serves as the world’s oldest young man, is picking the exact opposite of what yours truly is picking. We’ll see who is left grinning.
This week’s games: Colorado vs. Washington State: Both Mikes, Alex and Ben take Colorado. Those of us with panache take Washington State. We know who we are.
East Carolina vs. Navy: Alex, Ted and Freddy take the Pirates. The rest of us pick the salt water squids.
Old Dominion vs. Georgia Southern.
Everybody picked GS except for Alex, who took ODU because he is picking the opposite of yours truly. That said, I’m going to flip my pick to ODU, which in turn and in theory will cause Alex to have take GS. Then again, it might not. This might be covered under the League of Nations charter, even if it is defunct.
PS. After watching GS lose to Marshall last week, I’m thinking the people who called said game for the NFL network don’t know squat about Georgia Southern. Listening to them you’d think Clay Helton was Erk Russell and Paul Johnson combined and this was the Eagles greatest season ever. Who’ll the Iggles hire next? My money’s on Jimbo Fisher.
Coastal Carolina vs. Army: Mike Clark, Noah and yours truly take the Army, which is where yours truly learned to hide from sergeants.
South Carolina vs. Kentucky: B.J., Ted and yours truly take the Gamecocks, because we’re upscale and good looking -unlike the hillbilly set.
Kansas State vs. Kansas: Mike Brown, Rev. Larry, Carter and yours truly take Kansas to prevail and stomp the squishy parts out of the Wildcats.
Washington vs. Oregon State: Put a fork in the Beavers. Still, everybody not named Rev. Larry, Carter, Freddy, Gene and yours Carter, Freddy, Gene and yours truly are taking them to beat the Huskies. You’d think they’d learn, but nope.
On that note, how come nobody gets wound up over teams named after animals. Where’s PETA when you need them? Or, for that matter, why is it OK to name teams after vikings, commanders, Jimbos, the Irish, titans, Trojans, Celts, buccaneers, pirates, raiders, saints, Visigoths, cavaliers and I’m probably missing a bunch – including yankees, which when many of us use it as intended is definitely meant to be defamatory … Bottom line is nobody names a team after something they’d be ashamed of, like, say, lawyers or bankers or editors.
UCLA vs. Southern Cal:
Noah and Alex take the pastel Bears. The rest of us don’t.
UNLV vs. Air Force:
Noah, Alex, Mike Brown, Carter and Dr. Happy Tooth take the Running Rebels, or whatever it is they might call themselves now.
The Citadel vs. ETSU:
Yours truly and Freddy take the Military College of South Carolina.
Take it easy and may The Farce be with you.
Jeff Whitten is the former editor of BCN.