Jeff Whitten, Columnist.

Welcome to another installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and no beating around the bush this week with a bunch of silly writing. Instead, please join us in congratulating Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor for winning the first half of the 2024-25 season.

Ben won this thing handily, missing only 28 over a long and sometimes grueling season. His closest competition came from Pembroke American Legion Post 164 big shot B.J. Clark, who missed 33. In third was the Rev. Lawrence Butler, who had 34 misses.

The rest of the field and how we wound up will be revealed in a minute. First, as custom dictates, the winner is regaled with a special resolution and proclamation attesting to his greatness. It will be read out loud at a future Bryan County Commission meeting and could well be on Youtube. Stay tuned for more info.

Anyhow, with apologies to Sidney Lanier, let’s take it away. We call this one, “Go Ben.”

1. Go Ben, Go Ben The PMFL first half thou didst win Our carcasses you did skin You’d be a perfect 10 If you came up to our shins.

 2. Ben you’re short When you testified in court The lawyers they did cavort The builders they did snort Until their vinyl thou didst thwart. 

3. Ben you’re neat Your feet are made of meat You’re probably pretty fleet You may have shot some skeet Hyundai thinks you’re sweet.

 4. So Ben, congrats May your belfry have no bats Your schoolmarm have no brats Your kitchen have no rats Your tires get no flats Your ankles not need spats Your pitters always pat Your thermostat not do that You be nice to Democrats You can watch the ThunderCats Your welcome won’t need mats. The END 

Thank you, thank you very much.

 As for rest of the field, here goes: In fourth are Chick Magnet Mike Clark and retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell with 35 misses each. Esteemed sports journalist Mike Brown, who invented alphabet soup back in 1924 when he was clerking for Ben Franklin on the first Apollo mission, is in fifth with 36 misses. Former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, now winning press awards in his home state of Michigan, is in sixth with 37 misses.

District 1 Commissioner-Elect Alex Floyd, the prince of pine cones, is tied with Dr. Gene Wallace, hall of fame dentist and the District 5 commissioner, with 39 misses. Current District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington, who starred as Rocky Balboa’s brother-in-law in the musical Grease back at Bryan County High School in 1988 or something like that, is in eighth with 36 misses.

County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, still trying to figure out a way to have his chairmanship made permanent and then, after he’s gone to the great pharmaceutical company in the sky, let his cryogenically frozen brain rule from a special hyperbaric chamber in a subdivision somewhere in South Bryan where it will miff the perpetually disgruntled set even more than they usually are, is in ninth with 46 misses.

I’m last with 49 misses. And I cheated to get that far, bless my heart.

First week of the second half games:

• Western Kentucky at Jacksonville State: The Dentist and the Finger take the Hilltoppers. The rest of us take the second best set of Gamecocks in the Universe. Or maybe the third. Not sure how good Screven County is at the moment.

• UNLV vs. Boise State: Noah takes UNLV. He’s been to Vegas.

• Tulane at Army: Ted and Carter take the Green Wave over this country’s Armed Forces. Boo hiss boo.

• UGA at Texas: B.J., Mike Brown, me and Ted take the Longhorns.

• Iowa State at Arizona State: Me, Ben, Ted and Freddy take Iowa State. Not sure about some picks though – technical difficulties with email are making this thing go sideways. So, here’s a rundown of the games. Hopefully it makes sense. I think my laptop froze. Literally. What’s up with this weather?

• Clemson at SMU: The smart guys in this PMFL the Mustangs, of that I’m sure.

• Penn State at Oregon: I go it alone to pick the Nitro Super Lions. I’m either going to be rich or start the second half of the season in last place.

Mercer at Rhode Island: MERCER! Nancy Grace went to Mercer. So did Katie Couric’s daddy, John Couric. And Dr. Ferrol Sams, esteemed author of Run With the Horseman. And those are just a few of Mercer’s notable alumni. That old school up in Macon has got some bigtime alumni.

Marshall at Louisiana for the Sun Belt Conference championship: Mike Brown and Dr. Gene take Mike’s alma mater. Mike was there and helped invent keg parties and in so doing invented their mascot, the Thundering Herd. Only the letters got kind of switched around, but we won’t go there. Also, he’s calmed down a lot since then.

Hope you have a great rest of the week and don’t get into any fights for planting flags on the wrong logos. Leave that stuff for the professionals.

Now retired, Jeff Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.