Welcome to week 287 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and guess what?
Today we crown the winner of the first half of the never-ending PMFL season. Never ending because pretty soon we’ll have to add a PMESL – that’s short for Pembroke Mafia Electronic Sports League (a fancy way to say video games) – and a Pembroke Mafia Backwards Walking League, and a Pembroke Mafia Paddleboat Sinking League. Heck, just about everything is a sport anymore, whether it is or isn’t.
But never mind all my ruction fustiness. Here’s the immortal B.J. Clark to announce the winners of the PMFL first half.
“We have a winner, winner, winner chicken dinner,” said B.J., in one of those emails that’s written in blue ink because B.J. is retired Navy and it is mandatory.
“In week 14 Mike Clark emerged from second place with a two miss week and a YTD of 40. He missed Ohio St/ Michigan and the Oregon/ Oregon St game. Congratulations to Mike.”
Yep. Mike is the resident PMFL parts expert. He’s also the only one of us with real groupies. Some of us have pretend groupies, but Mike’s groupies are the real thing. So are their girdles. Up next is the magnificent Rev. Lawrence Butler, who keeps the PMFL from going down in flames.
“Rev Lawrence with a 4 miss week and a YTD of 41 and Ted with a 6 week miss and a YTD of 41 tied for a close second place,” said the old Blue Water Blue Ink sailor.
Ted, by the way, is one of two resident northerners. He’s a former Bryan County News Editor now back at home in his native habitat, Polar Bear Pouch, MI.
In third is Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who is still trying to come to grips with the fact South Carolina is better than Clemson.Like your’s truly, Infinger is an nth generation native of the great state of South Carolina. Unlike me, he went to the dark side and likes that school up in Pickens County that tortures goats.
Anyway, “Carter with a 4 miss week and a YTD of 45 takes third place,” says B.J., in blue ink.
Then we have District 5 County Commissioner Dr. Gene “Dancing Machine” Wallace, DMD. He’s in charge of the PMFL’s supply of extra teeth. If you need an extra tooth, go see Gene. He’s likely to have some in a drawer or cup or under the couch or in his glovebox. He’s a dentist, that’s what they do. Keep teeth handy.
B.J. writes: “Dr. Gene with a 4 miss week and a YTD of 46 comes in fourth place.”
Then there’s Bryan County Fire Chief Steady Freddy “Ready” Howell. He’s from Waycross, sprang fully grown from a swamp cabbage about 30 years ago and has been putting out fires and calling high school games in that swamp dialect ever since.
“Fender scroop brak limitmus!” he shouts. “Otter wipe it off.”
Anyway, Freddy with a 6 miss week and a YTD of 48 ties with Ben who had 5 misses and also a 48 YTD, sharing fifth place.”
Ben is County Administrator Ben Taylor, also known by some as “Napoleon Jr.”
District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington, who played finishes sixth with 49 misses. Yours truly is in seventh with 50 misses (I sandbagged).
BJ is in eighth with 51 misses, Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, the other resident northerner in the PMFL, is in ninth with 52 misses and the great geriatric himself, Mike Brown, is in 10th with 52 misses.
That leaves Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex Floyd by himself in the hole.
He’s in last with 56 misses. But, he’s first when it comes to buying up antiques.