Welcome to week whatever it is of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and please note questions abound.
Such as: will the Braves win the World Series? Will Georgia win its first national championship since 1980? Will South Carolina ever win again?
Inquiring minds want to know this sort of stuff, just as they really want to know whether PMFL members Noah Covington, Dr. Gene Wallace and Carter Infinger, all three being important county commissioners (just ask them), really do wear Bermuda shorts at meetings while conducting county business? That has been rumored on the usual idiotic social media sites by busybodies with nothing better to do than worry about what other people wear or think or say while they’re conducting government business. Anyway, the answer to that one is nope, no Bermuda shorts. Instead, said commissioners are wearing Speedos – apparently known in Great Britain as budgie- smugglers.
Note to self: I will have to ask the English Rose in Georgia about that one.
Naturally, these Speedos, or budgie-smugglers, have the official Bryan County Seal on them – along with some pretty nifty racing stripes, I’m told.
Well, I’m told Noah’s has pictures of cheeseburgers on his and Carter’s has unicorns and pictures of himself back when he took over the county during Hurricane Matthew, but it’s all in good taste and upscale, just like Bryan County. As for why they wear them, well, it’s important to be calm, cool and collected when you’re up there calling the shots and sitting on the thrones of power, as these commissioners like to call the seats they sit atop while listening to developers promise them this time they’ll really only put 4,000 houses on that 400-acre tract where the deer and antelope and armadillos used to play and seldom was heard a discouraging word. Those were the days.
Anywho, one more thing: I have it on good authority Richmond Hill is determined to win the bidding war for the ex-wizard of Christchurch. That authority might’ve been loaded up on Ripple when he made the announcement via text, but what the heck. In vino veritas, they say.
Standings so far: The Rev. Lawrence Butler now leads the Pembroke Mafia Football League season standings with a mere 25 misses total.
In second is former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, with 26 misses. Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene is third with 29 misfires.
In fourth are Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, the tallest human dwarf on record, and Mike Clark, the PMFL Minister of Procurement of Tractor Parts.
In fifth is B.J. Clark, retired Navy Admiral Petty Officer and big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164, and he’s followed in sixth by yours truly, also a Post 164 member even if yours truly never makes meetings.
Bob Floyd is in seventh with 34 misses. That number is exactly 2.3 billion less than the number of pine cones the man has title too, because he probably owns every other pine tree in North Bryan. I like to remind people of that.
Bryan County Emergency Services Chief Freddy “Freeman” Howell, one of my favorite people, is in eighth. Howell is from Waycross and is thereby a friend and brother to all swamp people.
Noah, also known as King of the North, is in ninth place, where he’s tied with Carter, also known as “The Chairman of the Board.” Mike Brown, the dean of area sportswriters and a retired Marine officer or something like that, is in 10th. He says it’s easier to do the Statesboro Herald contest and he’s already won $50 picking games there. That means its his turn to buy us all hot wings and cole slaw and cold beverages.
In last place are our resident dentist, the one and only Lima Bean, and Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex Floyd, neither of whom knows what a football is.
As for our team standings, which mystify me, North Bryan leads South Bryan 232-238.
This week’s games are on the books. B.J. will be sharing a group email with who picked what. I’m out of ink and tired of typing.
Your friend, Jeff W.
PS. I just got an email asking what our Speedo- wearing commissioners do for meeting wear in winter, since Speedos tend to leave one a bit exposed to the elements.
That’s an easy answer, I answered. They wear their official Bryan County LulaRoes.