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Pembroke Mafia Football League: Perspective is always good when it comes to football
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Welcome to week 10 or 11 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League. Hard to tell after the time change, but it’s all perspective regardless.

For example, Alabama fans think it’s the end of the world, given their elimination from the College Football Playoff by Louisiana State. But for fans of programs like Tulane or Illinois just cracking the Top 25 is a thing of beauty and a joy for as long as it lasts. And then there’s B.J. Clark, the Auburn diehard who revels when the Tide go out. He’s in high cotton right now, watching Bama lose and waiting on the Tigers to lure Steve Spurrier out of retirement. 

Anyhow, looks like Georgia is back in the driver’s seat and the Bulldogs may be on their way to a second consecutive national title. They made Tennessee look bad, they made Oregon look bad, they made South Carolina look bad, not that my Gamecocks need much help with that. Even during glory seasons South Carolina players could look “like they’ve never been coached a day in their lives,” as Dad would always say. As for UGA, life is good right now. For those of us wearing USC blinders, it’s almost as bad as if Clemson was up there running the table instead of getting beaten like a rented mule by Notre Dame. But, Clemson got drug all over the field by the Irish and that’s a wonderful thing, no matter which week it happened in. Now we need Mississippi State, Kentucky and Georgia Tech to step up to the plate and knock the Puppies out of the playoffs.

Before we get to this week’s standings, I’m going to throw out a few lists just because it’s late on an election night and I don’t have any pizza. We used to have pizza on election night, back when we had staffs. Now there’s just funny-looking old editors sitting around all by themselves, wishing they had pizza.

And a staff. Best songs to write the PMFL by late at night:

 1. “Wake up Jeff” by the Wiggles. The older I get, the more I like the Wiggles, and this song has my name in it. It’s a win-win.

 2. “Breaking the Law” by Judas Priest. They don’t make metal like this anymore. In some ways, that’s a good thing.

 3. “Ace of Spades” by Motorhead. The immortal Lemmy Kilmister may’ve died, but his music lives on.

4. “Killed by Death” by Motorhead. It happened to Lemmy, it’ll happen to us all, eventually. Memento Mori. Rock on.

5. “I Wanna Be Sedated” and “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up” by the Ramones. You get two songs for the price of one. Short fast and demanding to be played loud.

Next, the best unhealthy food so cheap you can buy for $1 or less and make your next tailgate fun, especially if you get free passes to the VIP lot: 

1. Ramen. Doesn’t matter the flavor. Crack a few chicken eggs in there and it’s the Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner of Pasty Faced Champs who usually spend all day on the couch n their drawers running community Facebook pages.

2. Vienna Sausages. I don’t know what’s in them and I don’t care. They’re a perfect finger food. They also sort of resemble stubby gnome fingers. 

3. Potted meat sandwiches. Same deal. You gotta assume someone takes all sorts of leftover animal parts (eyeballs, spleens, bile ducts, scalps, belly fat, cellulite, earlobes and tonsils) and purees them into something that you probably wouldn’t eat if you saw it being made. But, it tastes great and you can maybe still get a whole can for under a buck and that goes a long way in today’s world. 

4. Pickled eggs. You used to be able to get two for less than a buck I think. They came in some sort of red plastic wrapping and tasted like pickled rubber, but you got them in the checkout line at Walmart and ate them on the way to the pickup anyway because that’s what us old white guys do, just to gross out our wives in public. My wife doesn’t know it yet but when I retire I’m going to learn how to pickle my own eggs, and maybe some animal feet of some sort. I might have to sleep in the barn. 

This week’s standings, 1. Ted O’Neil, Polar Explorer 2. Rev. Lawrence Butler 3. Mike Clark 4. Carter Infinger, Chief Freddy Howell. 5. Gene Wallace, DMD 6. Ben Taylor, RSVP 7. Noah Covington, 50 8. Alex Floyd and Dawn Greene, millennials 9. B.J. Clark, Mike Brown and Jeff Whitten, Dumpster Divers. This week’s games: Due to some administrative errors and tangled up email threads -- it was like trying to unwind fishing line from a trolling motor prop – I can’t find the picks. Suffice it to say this week’s games are Georgia Southern at Louisiana (it’s a Thursday night ESPN game); Rutgers vs. Michigan State; UGA vs. Mississippi State; Louisville vs. Clemson; Southern Miss at Coastal Carolina; Notre Dame vs. Navy; Arizona vs. UCLA; Oklahoma vs. West Virginia (also known as East Ohio); and Kent State vs. Bowling Green (I know not why we’re fixating on yankee teams from Ohio, but mine is not to reason why).

Hopefully my helpful food tips will make your next tailgate a happy one. Go Gamecocks

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