Welcome to another week of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, the only picks column in the universe headquartered in a smelly 10 by 10 aluminum shed from Western Auto.
And this week, in keeping with a desire to develop a kinder, gentler public image as yon editor slips into his rapidly approaching dotage, I’ll start by saying something good about Georgia Southern for a change. In short, even though the program long ago abandoned the flex option offense horse it rode to six NCAA I-AA championships, the Eagles still have their diehard fans hereabouts, and none is more diehard than Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark, PMFL CEO and president and chancellor and dean and administrator and manager, i.e., CEOPCDAM, Esq., Navy (Ret). B.J. – that’s short for Billie Jean, because B.J. is the inspiration for a certain Michael Jackson song – has been a season ticket holder up in Statesboro since 1983. He ranked Georgia Southern’s win over No. 25 James Madison on Saturday among the top games he’s seen at Paulson.
“It’s the best one since we beat App (everybody knows who App is) here when they fumbled inside our 10-yard line to go down,” said B.J., who then shows me his moonwalk moves with a glove and everything. Right there in Pembroke. With his American Legion hat on.
So, salute to the Eagles.
In the immortal words of a former Georgia Southern student who momentarily thought she might try her hand at sportswriting and led off her first story for the school paper, the George Anne, this way: “Fight Eagles, Fight Eagles, Peck Peck Peck!”
This raises the question of whether Eagles peck.
Woodpeckers certainly peck. So do chickens, and unskilled typists, etc. But Eagles? They probably don’t have to peck. They just sort of flex and it’s over.
Standings: The Rev.
Lawrence Butler and Teddy O’Neil are tied for first with 20 misses so far. The inimitable Mike Clark is in second with 21. He’s breathing down their necks, folks, like one of those people at the supermarket who don’t understand personal space and get right up on you in the checkout line like and start huffing through their mouths.
District 5 County Commissioner Dr. Gene “Dancing Machine” Wallace, DMD, is in third place all by himself with 24 misses.
Don’t get weirded out if he starts eyeballing your teeth.
Habit of a lifetime, poking around in other people’s mouths for fun and profit.
In fourth with 24 misses is Waycross legend and Bryan County Emergency Services Director Chief Freddy Howell, who shares it Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor. Ben is from Ashburn, Fire Ant Capitol of the World. They have a giant fire-ant statute there. Even better, their local paper’s legendary editor, Ben Baker, once rode around town on a motorcycle with a shotgun and cowboy boots after some criminals shot up his house. (Note: Worst thing to happen to me so far is flat tires and loosened lug nuts). Ashburn is also home to Keith-A-Cue, which is barbecue made by Keith.
District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington, our minister of communications and the only man in the PMFL with 400,000 linear miles of fiber optic cable at his disposal, is in fifth place with 25 misses.
Your’s truly, who has done this blasted column for so many years he can’t keep count, is in sixth place with 26 misses. He is making his move folks.
County Commission Chairman and Charleston, S.C. native Carter “Upsqueameous Pius Maximus Glutus” Infinger IV is tied with the world’s oldest living sportswriter, Mike Brown, and oldest living 30-year-old, Alex Floyd, for seventh with 27 misses to date. B.J., who points out he picked the Vols to dump Bama (he’s an Auburn fan), is in eight hplace with 29 misses.
That puts him one game ahead of Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene, a two-time PMFL champ.
Dawnne’s got 30 misses so far. B.J.’s convinced she’s sandbagging.
This week’s games prefaced by a quick editor’s note: Infinger missed deadline for picks and therefore is going to have his picks made by the editor this week.
Virginia vs. Ga. Tech: The Rev. Larry and Gene take the Cavaliers.
Syracuse vs. Clemson: Me and Carter pick Syracuse. Me and Carter hate Clemson and that Evil Half Man, Half Marmot, Dabo Swinney. You couldn’t make that name up if you tried.
Marshall vs. James Madison: Me, Carter and Gene take the Herd. Hooah.
Houston vs. Navy: Both Mikes, Freddy, Dawnne, Gene and Noah take Houston. Texas vs. Oklahoma State: Alex, Freddy, Dawnne, Gene and Noah take the Cowboys.
Kansas State vs. TCU: Dawnne and Gene take the Wildcats.
Mississippi State vs. Alabama: It’s unanimous. With the Tide coming off a loss, woe to Mississippi State.
Woe. Oh, woe. Limbs and heads might get torn off, right there on the field.
UCLA vs. Oregon: Alex, Freddy and Mike Brown choose Bruins. Ole Miss vs. LSU: Me and Carter know that the Bayou Bengals are primed to put that pompous prat Lane Kiffin in his place.
Texas A& M vs. South Carolina: Mike Brown, me, Carter, Dawnne and Fred pick the Gamecocks.
Me and Upsqueameous are big Gamecock fans. Just ask him.