Editor’s note: This story contains fake news. And some real news. But a lot of it is fake news. A little bit of it is borderline, but, well, you know what the news media is like. Especially at suppertime.
Welcome to week five or six of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and in case you haven’t been paying attention the No. 1 ranked Georgia Bulldogs almost lost to some midwestern flagship girls’ school called Missouri.
Missouri, as we all know from paying attention in geography class, is between Nebraska and Ontario and Indiana, and has like 10,000 lakes in it and everybody who’s anybody says “pop” when they really mean “coke.” The state also has a lot of tiny banjo players milling about. Or is that Notre Dame?
Anyway, congratulations to mighty Georgia for barely squeaking out a win over a team Long County High School could probably whip with one hand tide behind its back. And while we’re on the topic of kissing hind end, congratulations to Rev. Lawrence Butler, who had zero misses last week and now takes over the PMFL lead with only 11 misses all week. He’s PMFL spiritual advisor, so I try to keep him buttered on the right side or he’ll put in the wrong word with The Man Upstairs and I’ll sprout hair in places I didn’t know I had.
In second place is that giant version of Teddy Roosevelt, Theodore O’Neil. Theodore, a much better journalist than me, has 13 misses and is in second. In third with14 misses is Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD, our token dentist and District 5 county commissioner. Yep, every PMFL has to have a dentist in it or run the risk of getting fined. Actually, Gene is a retired dentist but that still counts.
Also, while I don’t think this is yet on the official City of Richmond Hill Tour of Upscale Lights and Signs, you should stop by Gene’s house and see his collection of jars full of extracted bicuspids. They belonged to people who didn’t pay up, you see. Gene keeps a pair of vise-grips in his cargo shorts, calls them Mr. Extractor. If you see him coming at you with one hand in his pocket, run.
In fourth is Mike Clark with 15 misses. Mike is the only one of us who isn’t trying to sell you something, other than tractor parts. He also plays a mean harmonica and has groupies galore, albeit in girdles.
In fifth is a tie between County Administrator Ben Taylor, who stands on a stool to make his picks, Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who sits on a stool while county staff researches and submits his picks for him, and Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy Howell. Freddy is from Waycross, where they not only wear mullets, they eat them with cheese grits. Yep, used that one a couple weeks ago. Sorry Freddy.
Up next is District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington, who is widely believed to be learning to play the banjo in an effort to get himself appointed to the Board of Regents so he can better serve the citizens of Bryan County by moving Sanford Stadium to the Bryan County Mega-Site behind Hyundai. Vote for Noah.
Your’s truly is in seventh with 19 misses so far. I’m the only one in the PMFL who has an “innie” bellybutton. The rest of the PMFL membership has “outie” bellybuttons. Ask them to show you and they will. They look like little lost thumbs. It’s weird. Legendary sports writer Mike Brown, who has been around so long he covered King Tut playing junior varsity cobra swizzling back around 5,000 BC, is tied with Richmond Hill City Clerk Dawnne Greene for eight with 21 misses.
In last place with 47 misses are Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex Floyd, who knows just enough about football to be dangerous, and His Excellency, B.J. Clark, BS, BA, BDO, RGP, LLC.
It happens. This week’s games, in a hurry, are: GSU vs. GSU: All Iggles. AU vs. UGA: BJ stays loyal to WarBeagle.
FSU vs. NCSU: Mike Clark, Dawnne, Carter, Fred take FSU. Can’t say what BJ really wrote.
OSU vs. MSU: I go it alone with Spartans. Shame, Ted.
TTU vs. OSU: Alex, Rev Lawrence and me select Red Raiders.
SMSU: Carter, Ben, Fred, and Dr. Gene select So Miss.
ND vs. BYU: BJ, Mike Clark, Rev. Lawrence, Dr. Gene and me take BYU.
AFA vs. US: Alex, Noah and me select Utah St, rest with the Flyboys. UM vs. UF: -Mike Clark, Dr. Gene and Carter select Mizzo, rest with them there Gators, says BJ.
TAMU vs. UA: BJ goes it alone taking Aggies.
Thanks for reading, thanks for playing and just in time for the Seafood Fest, remember the tastiest chicken liver is one fried in old tater log grease and put under a heat lamp for a couple hours until it looks like something that might’ve come out of a sunburnt giant’s nose but tastes a lot better, according to Ben, who’s from Ashburn, the Fire Ant Capitol of the Whole World.