Welcome to week whatever of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, that weekly mixture of dumb writing, dumb picks and one dumb editor. For what it’s worth, this is the week the South Carolina Gamecocks play Clemson. It’s hard to explain unless you were born and raised up in South Carolina, and so was your daddy, and his daddy, and so on, all the way back through generations, back to cave man times when we played football riding dinosaurs.
But, in a nutshell, it goes like this.
Good people like South Carolina. Bad people, evil people, people who would scam your elderly mother out of her life savings by pretending to be her grandson and in jail on DUI and vehicular homicide charges, like Clemson. Shady TV preachers who wind up in jail like Clemson. They probably went there in their younger years and painted themselves orange and purple and got naked with the livestock. It’s a frat initiation for Tigers. Front runners and transplants from up north like Clemson, which, as the great Erk Russell once noted, was originally named Clem University, but some wealthy alumni and professors got together and decided that sounded a bit too hillbilly-ish. So, they added the “SON” on the back, noting in long academic papers written in crayon that each is the first letter for three of the things they hoped to instill in their graduates.
As the dean of higher education at Clem at the time said, “S will be for shivalry; o for onnor, and n for nowledge.” And then they went and hired a coach named Dabo Swinney.
Oh, and rocket scientists and Nobel Peace Prize winners and Army generals and famous artists and musicians like Hootie and the Blowfish and Darius Rucker went to USC.
Standings: Gigantic former BCN Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, a Michanderite now safely re-ensconced in Michigan, still leads with 35 misses.
The Rev. Lawrence Butler, who far as I know didn’t go naked and painted orange and purple to Clemson, is in second with 37 misses.
Mike Clark, who has groupies, is in third with 38 misses. He didn’t go to Clemson either.
County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who likes Clemson and therefore is probably going to wind up in the state house or Congress one day, is in fourth place with 41 misses.
District 5 commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace and County Fire Chief Chief Freddy Howell, both Dawg fans who are going to be sorely disappointed pretty soon, are tied for fifth with 42 misses each.
County Administrator Ben Taylor, who has been described in court documents as shifty looking and runty, is in sixth with 43 misses. Ben also likes Georgia. He took his kids to see South Carolina let the Bulldogs win because they’re from Georgia and sort of needy when it comes to that sort of thing. Ben said his kids enjoyed the roosters.
District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington, who doesn’t know what a numptie is, is in seventh with 45 misses. Noah, it’s a magical seahorse. They live in snow globes and drive electric sleds soon to be made right here in Bryan County by elves who probably wind up moving down here from the North Pole.
Richmond Hill Clerk Dawnne Greene, a Bostonian, is in eighth with 46 misses. She usually wins these things or coming close, but she’s having an off year, just like Tom Brady.
B.J. Clark (that’s short for Bo Jorts) has 47 misses and is in ninth. Bo Jorts is retired Navy and once ate a live sting ray, starting with the tail, just to show how tough he is.
You’re truly has 48 misses and is in 10th place. Last place belongs to Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex Floyd, the last of the Bohicans, and the great Mike Brown, with 49 misses each. They love the Gamecocks.
This week’s games: APPY vs. GSU: Ted, Fred, Dawnne, Mike B. and Dr. Feelgood go with Appy.
Michigan vs. OSU: Jeff and Mike B. go with the Wolverines.
Auburn vs. Bama: B.J. is the only AU picker, citing the Gamecocks whoopdown of Tennessee.
Gamecocks vs. the Kadiddlehoppers: Lot of people back on the Carolina bandwagon with Mike C., Fred, me, Dawnne and Noah picking the Gamecocks to win. The rest take CU.
Ga. Tech vs. UGA: A last minute change of heart by the editor means he’s only one picking the Wreck to win. Yeah man.