Welcome to week nine or 10 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and right off, I had to eat a dead bird Sunday after the Gamecocks lost to Missouri on Saturday.
So what if it was grilled on my Weber. It was still dead and bird-like, and probably when alive had beady little bird eyes always on the lookout for a worm or a windshield.
Actually, it was a Cornish hen. They’re like tiny PreK-sized chickens, only they’re Cornish and they come wrapped in plastic and frozen so hard you can break windows with them, if you were so inclined. You used to be able to get a couple for like $5 or something in the supermarket. Now it’s probably $20. I try not to look and I need to lose some weight anyhow. Doesn’t matter. I’ve just discovered one of the great things about America is you can actually buy squirrels on the internet.
I’ve got probably 400 of the things in my yard, but if I need to have 402 I can go to a site based in Florida and buy two boy gray squirrels, no sweat, once I get my tax refund.
“This is the last set for this year, so get yours today!,” says the ad on www. exoticanimalsforsale.net.
“Just $599.99, or zero down, and easy, low monthly payments are available if needed.” They get $599.99 for a pair of yard squirrels? I’m a potential millionaire and don’t know it. I can also order a baby male Bolivian squirrel monkey, or monkey squirrel, only it looks more like a monkey than a squirrel – actually, it kind of looks like me so never mind. Should you be tempted to buy one of these things, or apparently any squirrel, really, for a pet, the site has some tips on care.
I quote, verbatim: “A suitable and specious cage is very essential for squirrels. While adult squirrel needs a bigger cage to climb around, babies require a small cage so they don’t hurt themselves. At least 3’ tall cage without much shelves and ladder will be ok for your pet. A cage having enough climbing room and some stick of wood to chew on will be a nice housing for squirrel.”
Remember, “Keeping some hardwood stick in cage is a good idea as it plays an important role for squirrel’s dental health and teething babies. You can drape fabric over the back and top of the cage, as it makes squirrel feel more secure.”
Specious? Also: “While squirrels are active for a couple of hours after sunrise and a few before dusk, the rest of the time they can be found resting. When they are awake, they are super active, running and climbing everywhere. “For at least an hour a day you can allow them to run around your living room. Before letting them do so, ensure that all the all electrical wires are secured otherwise squirrels may chew them. Make sure the other pets like dogs and cats are not around them. Place a tall cat tree as squirrels love to climb.” Never mind dogs and cats. There’s no mention in this ad of what my wife will do if she finds hyperactive squirrels running around the living room. The site also gives hints on feeding, etc., and apparently fills a demand. There are a bunch of messages to the site from people looking for squirrels.
Here’s a sample:
• I am looking for regular but nice baby squirrels
• Looking for a squirrel In San Antonio Texas
• Hi! I’m looking to buy a squirrel. I am in Tampa, Fl right now, but I’m getting ready to head home (Ponte Vedra Beach) this afternoon. I really want a baby squirrel. Do you have any??
• I’m looking for a baby squirrel but it has to be near Kentucky and really cheap.
Anybody out there who might want to go in on a squirrel ranching business should let me know. Serious inquiries only.
On to the matter at hand. Standings, courtesy the brilliant B.J. Clark, retired Naval hero and big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164: “We have a two way tie for first place this week, Ted and Rev Lawrence both with two weekly misses each and a YTD of 27.
“Mike Clark with 4 misses and a YTD of 29 places in third place.
“Carter with 2 weekly misses and a YTD of 30 and Dr Gene with 4 weekly misses and also a YTD of 30 share fourth place.
“Freddy with a 3 miss week and a YTD of 31 fills the number Five slot.
“Ben with a weekly miss of 4 and a YTD of 33 takes sixth place.
“Noah with 5 misses and a YTD of 34 takes seventh place. “Mike Brown with 4 misses and a YTD of 36, Alex with 3 misses and a 36 and Dawnne with 2 misses and a YTD of 36 share a crowded eight place.
“Jeff with 7 misses and a YTD of 37 escapes being in last place since BJ again dwells there with a 3 miss week and a 38 YTD.”
If you can decipher that you’re in first place this week.
On to this week’s games, minus the two late pickers whose emails I can’t track down on deadline to tell how they voted.
Air Force vs. Army: Me and Carter take Army.
Tennessee vs. UGA: Me, Mike Brown and B.J. take the Vols. Everybody else is fixing to be some sad puppies come late Saturday. Put on some Rocky Top, please. The disco version. Wake Forest vs. NCSU: Alex, Mike Brown and Freddy take the Deacons.
South Carolina vs. Vandy: Everybody picks the mighty Gamecocks to rebound and continue trending toward bowl eligibility and the ultimate goal of ruling the college football universe with benevolence, i.e., no running up the score like some folks (UGA) do just to impress pollsters.
Also because we can’t.
Michigan St. vs. Illinois: Spartans picked by Alex, Carter, Ted and Dr. Gene.
Alabama vs. LSU: Me and Mike Brown pick the Bayou Bengals to pull of the upset.
South Alabama vs. Georgia Southern: All Iggles.
Baylor vs. Oklahoma: Who cares.
Appy vs. Coastal: Me, Alex, Ted, Freddy and Dr.
Gene take the Mountaineers. The rest get an L.
Later folks. Enjoy the weekend.