Dear reader, we’re back on the sports pages.
This is because I never liked mixing politics and football, though sometimes I just can’t help it.
Still, I can tell the fine folks in the Pembroke Mafia Football League, all red blooded Americans, were getting a bit skittish by my tendency to not only to include South Bryan in the mix, but also stray into the local political realm.
Like the time when I suggested our well-groomed and energetic county commission chairman might be about to launch tactical nukes at Chatham County, or said there are approximately 175 too many subdivisions in Richmond Hill, which also operates under the aliases of Stepford, Connecticut, and Suburban Ohio, Georgia.
I have decided, therefore, to become more adult about this whole thing. In short, I’ll follow the lead of our amazing, incredible, very amazing and incredible commander-in-chief by writing parts of this column in Twitter sentences, declaring, in commander-in-chief-like tone "I see England, I see France, I see everybody’s underpants. FUNNY BUT SOMETIMES NOT GOOD TO HAVE #XRAYEYES"
On with the show.
Welcome to the Pembroke Mafia Football League, a weekly exercise in football futility starring some of the best and brightest in Pembroke, Georgia, and beyond.
I reintroduced them all to the adoring public last week, but feel it’s my duty to get their names out there at least once a week so B.J. Clark will keep buying lunch for the PMFL’s inner circle, which mostly consists of B.J., his wonderful wife Marsha and whoever he invites to lunch. Sometimes it’s even me.
For those who don’t know it, B.J. is retired Navy. He and fellow retired Navy chief petty admiral Ernie Mitchell are big wheels in the Pembroke American Legion, and take turns playing Santy Claus at the post’s annual Christmas party.
Whichever one is not Santy has to be Keebler the Elf and sit in a bush.
They also command the North Bryan Navy, which consists of about 35 bass boats, a few pond boats, a canoe and one of those plastic two-seater jobs you paddle around in with life jackets on. That one is the admirals’ flagship, the NBNS War Eagle Gator.
Also in the PMFL are, in no particular order: District 1 County Commissioner Noah "King of the North, LLC," Covington, Pembroke Downtown Development Authority Director Alex "Fred MacMurray" Floyd, Development Authority of Bryan County Chief Executive Officer Anna "The Fin" Chafin, Bryan County Schools Assistant Superintendent Trey "Punch List" Robertson, Mike "Vanilla Mike" Clark, Mark "Still plays Pokemon" Rogerson, Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted "Michigan State Man" O’Neil and me, your hostest with less than the mostest.
What the PMFL does: We pick games. Football games. College football games, mostly, especially since we started boycotting the NFL last year because B.J. doesn’t like all this not standing for the flag stuff and most members agree.
#AHEAD OF THE CURVE.
Time for another Tweep:
"LIBERALS AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO DRIVE SLOW IN FAST LANE SHOULD BE IMPRISONED AND DEPORTED. TELL CONGRESS TO MOVE FAST. #WASTING TIME"
On to the standings.
Right now, Noah and B.J. are tied for first with 15 misses to date. "It’s good to be king," they say. I wouldn’t know.
Ted is in second with 16 misses so far this year. Anna is in third with 17 misses, total. She’s the one you have to watch. It’s all in the fine print.
Mike and Ernie have 18 misses so far this season, Alex, Mark and Trey are tied with 19 misses each and I’m bringing up the rear with 26 misses so far. I prefer to think that I’m in first going the other direction.
As for why I’m so far ahead, or behind depending on your perspective, well, it’s because I pick games based on a scientific method devised by an ancient Chinese astrologer using dried beans, twigs, string, love beads, cheese and a couple or eight cans of Natural Light beer. It works.
You just have to give it time.
TWEEP: "NOBODY FORECASTS FUTURE LIKE POTUS. VERY HAIRY CHESTS BACK IN STYLE THIS WINTER #STAYING WARM"
On to this week’s games.
Georgia Tech vs. North Carolina: Everybody picks Tech. Everybody also wishes Tech coach Paul Johnson was Georgia Southern coach again.
Navy vs. Tulsa: All Navy except Anna, who takes the Golden Hurricanes. This makes me want to swap my pick, because Anna paid for her eight-and-a-half years at Georgia by picking football games for money and winning. She told me she skinned rubes like trappers used to skin muskrats.
UGA vs. Tennessee: Everybody’s taking Tennessee. Just kidding. Everybody’s taking Georgia, which looked almost capable of beating Alabama last week by thrashing Mississippi State. The UGA Dogs got more talent than I got blood cells, I think. That’s a scary thought, ‘cause I still have a lot of blood cells. I hope.
Mississippi State at Auburn: Mark, Noah and Trey take the Bulldogs and former Richmond Hill High School quarterback Nick Fitzgerald. The rest of us go with the Plainsmen of Auburn, Alabama. What’s a Plainsman? Well, I’ll tell you. They’re a hardy tribe of oversized Alabama albino pygmies famous for wearing overalls and throwing toilet paper at trees.
Coastal Carolina vs. Louisiana-Monroe: Everybody takes the Warhawks except for me. I take Coastal. I actually matriculated at Coastal for a short bit in my younger life, back when it was Coastal Carolina College. Short because back then most people, including me, thought I was a surfer, even though I couldn’t surf. I probably missed more classes than Jeff Spicoli.
Flashback tweet: "All I need are SOME TASTY waves, a cool buzz, and I’m FINE. #GNARLY."
South Carolina vs. Texas A&M: Mike, Trey and I take the greatest college football program of all time. Everybody else selects Texas A&M. By the way, have you ever seen A&M’s Fighting Texas Aggie Yell Leaders? They give me the willies. You can check ‘em out online.
Clemson vs. Virginia Tech: All Clemron except for Trey and I. I’m no Hokie fan, but I’d take Kim Jong Un if he could beat those orange-wearing hillbilly preppies from Pickens County. Come to think of it, most Clemson women look like Kim Jong Un.
Cal vs. Oregon: Everybody goes with the Ducks except me. Quack that, jack.
Colorado vs. UCLA: Alex takes Colorado. Everybody else takes UCLA.
Ol’ Miss vs. Bama: Nobody takes Ol’ Miss.
Arizona State vs. Stanford: Alex goes with the Sun Devils before he gets out his pipe and slippers and watches "Matlock."
Oklahoma State vs. Texas Tech: Trey takes the Red Raiders. Rest of us pick the Cowboys and coach Mike Gundy, who has a future in politics. Remember: "I’m a man! Pick on me!" That and good hats will get you votes.
Savannah State vs. Bethune Cookman: Ted, Trey and Alex take Savannah State. Everybody else goes with the Mary McLeod’s. As B.J. notes, be happy Georgia Southern didn’t schedule Savannah State this year. Truer words were never spoken, except when they were. But yeah.
Finally, Samford vs. The Citadel: Noah and Anna, both of whom have ties to the BCDA, pick Samford, which leads me to believe there’s something there. Perhaps an Alabama company is coming to Bryan County to build pickle buckets to sit on while you try to figure out why your lawnmower won’t start. You never know. The rest of us take The Citadel, which is where former RHHS standout Dominique Allen plays quarterback. I still remember the signs from back in the day at Wildcats Stadium: Keep calm and trust Dom. I shall.
Take care, and may you have a very merry rest of September.