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Back after week covering Hurricane Matthew like a gnat
Pembroke Mafia Football League
football play diagram

You may or may not have noticed, but the Pembroke Mafia Football League column took a week off last issue thanks to Hurricane Matthew.

Hopefully, all of you and yours emerged unscathed and better for the experience of having a Category 2 storm barge in like an uninvited in-law and do all sorts of awful things to your house, including but not limited to stopping up your commode and flooding the carport.

I know I was pretty lucky only to lose power and cable for a few days, and the trees that came down in my yard didn’t hit anything important. I’m still doing yardwork, but I think that means I’m lucky to have a yard to work on. So there’s that.

And there’s this. If you have time and the resources, consider giving one of Bryan County’s own a helping hand. The Richardson family of Pembroke lost their home to the storm, and Owens Supply has set up the Richardson Building Recovery Fund to help. You can find more information online — just go to the Owens Supply Company Facebook page — or by phone at 912-653-4954.

Anyway, seems for most things are getting back to normal. This became abundantly clear Monday morning in Richmond Hill as I was stopped in a left-turn lane at the intersection of Highway 144 and 17 waiting on the light. All of a sudden, some cool dude in a big pickup with shades and a trucker’s ballcap decides he’s going to pull out of Clyde’s, cross three lanes of traffic and pretty much squeeze his entire truck into the two-three feet between the front bumper of my car and the SUV in front of me.

Obviously, that didn’t work because the pickup wouldn’t fit, so the driver just kinda smirked at me and I kinda smirked back and then the light turned and he got to go first and didn’t have to wait his turn, which I suspect is what he wanted all along, since some folks are just wired that way.

Me, I just want to make it home at night so I can do yardwork under the supervision of my wife. She tells me where not to put the leaves.


I have questions without answers.

Will Les Miles be the next head coach at Purdue? Will B.J. Clark win the 2016 Pembroke Mafia Football League title? Will Georgia Southern ever win another football game?

And what about politics? Will Donald Trump be the next president of the United States and build a wall to keep out foreigners? Will giant grasshoppers invade America and set up a communist country where we all have to wear black socks and won’t be allowed to have guns? Does Hillary Clinton like Bill or do they just put up with each other in public so she can get elected and turn America into a sissy country where we all have to give our money to people who don’t want to work? If Ohio State is so great, why are so many people from Ohio down here in front of me at the grocery store?

I also have answers without questions.

Maybe. Seems like it. You never know until you know. Hard telling, not knowing. Eight. Red. Yes, it makes your you-know-what-look big. Ouch.

On to the standings and the picks.

Standings: B.J. Clark, our fearless leader, is in first place with only 30 misses so far. I suspect this is partly cause B.J. is also our score keeper. You have to watch retired Navy chief petty officers. They’re slick.

In second are Mark Rogerson and Trey Robertson, who have 39 misses each. I think they’re the only ones here besides Noah Covington who takes this thing seriously. Noah is in third with 40 misses. He’s trying to be the next governor of the Bryan County Commission, so you have to keep an eye on him or he’ll take credit for your wins, too.

Our other retired Navy chief petty officer, Ernie Mitchell, has 41 misses. Ernie and B.J. are big wheels in the Pembroke American Legion, which I keep threatening to join but haven’t yet. I suspect both will be thrilled to see me take charge.

The one and only Mike Clark, our millionare, has 44 misses and is in danger of being caught by me. I have 49 misses. I am in last place. I do not find this as unsettling as I might have when I was younger and dumber, or younger, anyway.

This week’s picks:

Georgia Southern vs. New Mexico State: Me and Ernie take NMSU. Everybody else remains loyal to the Eagles.

Alabama vs. Texas A&M: Everybody goes with Bama except me. I keep picking somebody to upset them. Those somebody’s I pick keep getting the daylights beat out of them. Sorry, Texas A&M.

Arkansas vs. Auburn: B.J., Ernie and I go with Awwburn. Everybody else picks the Razorbacks, whose coach tends to resemble one. In a good way.

LSU vs. Ole’ Miss: Me, Trey and Ernie take LSU. Everybody else is picking the Rebels. They don’t understand they’re about to get some Cajun cooking upside their heads.

Kentucky vs. Mississippi State: Noah and Trey take Kentucky. The rest of us say Bulldogs. And that’s something I don’t usually say, Bulldog. Hunker down you hairy Dawgs, my left foot. Sheesh.

Hawaii vs. Air Force: Everybody takes Air Force except me. Go Rainbows. Peace and love.

North Carolina vs. Virginia: We all pick UNC. Which is kinda amazing, in an underwhelming sort of way.

Memphis vs. Navy: Trey and me take Memphis. The rest go with Navy.

Utah vs. UCLA: Noah and I pick the Bruins, rest take the Utes.

Oklahoma vs. Texas Tech: Mike picks Texas Tech. Us poor people take Sooners.

Louisiana Lafayette vs. Texas State: Mike picks Texas State, the 99 percent take Cajuns.

Houston vs. SMU: Everybody takes Houston.

Have a great week. Stay out of trouble. Be nice to all the people and animals you can, because life’s short.

In addition to being a hippie philosopher, Whitten is managing editor of the Bryan County News.

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