I had intended to provide you with an in-depth analysis of the SEC Primary this week, but that will have to wait. For one thing, Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in greater Garfield, Georgia, tells me that he is going to need time to pore over the results. Currently, he is tied up rummaging around in Aunt Flossy Felmer’s drawers looking for fire ants. In addition to being one of this nation’s most highly respected political analysts, Junior is also a certified pest-control professional.
As if that wasn’t enough, the Woman Who Shares My Name is back to messing with my First Amendment right of free expression again. If you didn’t know, last November, she slipped while exiting the shower and broke her leg. That necessitated surgery and an extended stay in a rehab center and a total lack of interest in what filled this space each week. Now that she has shed her imitation of Walter Brennan on “The Real McCoys” and reduced her intake of happy pills, she is once again pulling rank on me.
She: I want you to write about positive things this week. Your readers and I are tired of all the negative news in the media these days. Surely, you can find something positive to write about.
Me: What? And ignore the potential negative impact of the fluctuations of Tajikistani currency — known, by the way, as the somoni — on the International Monetary Fund and on the cost of a box of chocolates? If not me, then who? The New York Times? Get real.
She: Have you written about the health benefits of broccoli since my accident?
Me: Of course not. You know I hate broccoli.
She: So, you wouldn’t want to eat broccoli for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next, oh, millennium?
Me: I can’t abide the thought of that.
She: Then write something positive.
Me: A positively wonderful idea, my love.
As usual, she is correct. There is a lot of positive news to report if one will take the time to ferret it out. For example, in just a few short weeks, our intrepid public servants under the Gold Dome will adjourn before they can pass more laws we don’t want or need. That is very positive news. They will then come home and tell us that we need to re-elect them so they can go back next year and pass more laws we don’t want or need. While that might look like a negative on the face of it, it means they will be cloistered in about the only place left in Georgia where you can’t carry a gun — the state Capitol — and out of our hair for 40 days so the rest of us can get some work done.
Here is more positive news. There has not been a confirmed sighting of anyone voluntarily leaving the great state of Georgia this year and moving to Detroit in order to enjoy a better quality of life.
I sometimes forget the positive impact my words can have in comforting the afflicted. I received a note from a group of corn-fried shrimp on St. Simons, thanking me for my untiring efforts to restore them to their rightful place in society and back onto the menu at the Georgia Sea Grill. The critters went through some dark days, thinking no one cared about them but a bunch of giant squid who like to eat them. Shrimp don’t have a lot of self-esteem. I am glad I could help them.
There is more positive news about the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South, than I could possibly squeeze in today. Rest assured, I will get to that erelong. I wouldn’t want to disappoint my friends at You-Know-Where Institute of Technology.
I am going to stop at this point. The Woman Who Shares My Name just took a happy pill and seems to have lost interest in the project. Also, I have just hung up from talking to Junior E. Lee. He tells me that he will start analyzing the results of the SEC primaries as soon as he washes up. He said rummaging around in Aunt Flossy Felmer’s drawers was not a pleasant experience, although he thinks Aunt Flossy enjoyed it. I chose not to ask questions. I’m quite positive I wouldn’t have liked the answer.