Jeff Whitten, Local Columnist
Welcome to another installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League and here’s hoping you’re enjoying the chilly weather. The frost, as they say, is perhaps well-nigh about to be on the pumpkins.
Should that occur – heck, it could be 90 next week and I’ll have to cut my wife’s grass again – let’s hope said frost is not on your pumpkins.
Instead let us hope your pumpkins are warm and snuggly and well ensconced in the sort of things they make just for that purpose. Pumpkin warmers and the such.
I know, that’s silly and childish. Sorry.
One gets on a train of thought and it can be hard to switch to another track. For example, now one naturally thinks of Andy Griffith’s 1953 football monologue -- and because I can’t do any better, I’m going to copy and paste the entire thing right here for you to read.
What it was, was football. By Andy Griffith. It was back last October, I believe it was.
We was going to hold a tent service off at this college town, and we got there about dinnertime on Saturday. Different ones of us thought that we ought to get us a mouthful to eat before we set up the tent.
So we got off the truck and followed this little bunch of people through this small little bitty patch of woods there, and we come up on a big sign. It says, “Get Something to Eat Here.”
I went up and got me two hot dogs and a big orange drink, and before I could take a mouthful of that food, this whole raft of people come up around me and got me to where I couldn’t eat nothing, up like, and I dropped my big orange drink. I did.
Well, friends, they commenced to move, and there wasn’t so much that I could do but move with them.
Well, we commenced to go through all kinds of doors and gates and I don’t know what-all, and I looked up over one of ’em and it says, “North Gate.” We kept on a-going through there, and pretty soon we come up on a young boy and he says, “Ticket, please.”
And I says, “Friend, I don’t have a ticket; I don’t even know where it is that I’m a-going!” I did.
Well, he says, “Come out as quick as you can.”
And I says, “I’ll do ’er; I’ll turn right around the first chance I get.”
Well, we kept on a-moving through there, and pretty soon everybody got where it was that they was a-going, because they parted and I could see pretty good. I could. And what I seen was this whole raft of people a-sittin’ on these two banks and a-lookin’ at one another across this pretty little green cow pasture. Well, they was.
Somebody had took and drawed white lines all over it and drove posts in it, and I don’t know what-all, and I looked down there, and I seen five or six convicts a-running up and down and a-blowing whistles. They was. And then I looked down there, I seen these pretty girls wearin’ these little bitty short dresses and a-dancing around, and so I sit down and thought I’d see what it was that was a-going to happen. I did.
About the time I got set down good, I looked down there and I seen 30 or 40 men come a-runnin’ out of one end of a great big outhouse down there. They did. And everybody where I was a-settin’ got up and hollered! And about that time, 30 or 40 come runnin’ out of the other end of that outhouse, and the other bank-full, they got up and hollered.
And I asked this fella that was a sittin’ beside of me, “Friend, what is it that they’re a-hollerin’ for?”
Well, he whopped me on the back and he says, “Buddy, have a drink!” “Well,” I says, “I believe I will have another big orange.” And I got it and set back down.
When I got there again I seen that them men had got in two little bitty bunches down there real close together, and they voted. They did. They voted and elected one man apiece, and them two men come out in the middle of that cow pasture and shook hands like they hadn’t seen one another in a long time.
Then a convict come over to where they was a-standin’, and he took out a quarter, and they commenced to odd man right there! They did. After a while I seen what it was they was odd-manning for. It was that both bunches- full of them men wanted this funny-lookin’ little punkin to play with. They did.
And I know, friends, that they couldn’t eat it because they kicked it the whole evenin’ and it never busted.
But, anyhow, what I was telling was, both bunches-full wanted that thing. One bunch got it and it made the other bunch just as mad as they could be! Friends, I seen that evenin’ the awfulest fight that I have ever seen in all my life! I did!
They would run at one another and kick one another and throw one another down and stomp on one another and grind their feet in one another and I don’t know what-all and just as fast as one of ’em would get hurt, they’d tote him off and run another one on!
Well, they done that as long as I set there, but pretty soon this boy that had said “Ticket, please,” he come up to me and he says, “Friend, you’re gonna have to leave because it is that you don’t have a ticket.”
And I says, “Well, all right.” And I got up and left.
I don’t know, friends, to this day what it was that they was a-doin’ down there, but I have studied about it. I think it was that it’s some kindly of a contest where they see which bunch-full of them men can take that punkin and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other without gettin’ knocked down or steppin’ in somethin’.
Nope, that never gets old.
THIS WEEK’S STANDINGS:
Speaking of old, the world’s oldest living sportswriter, Mike Brown, leads the pack again this week with only 14 misses so far. Mike, a Marine Corps veteran, is so old he taught Ring Lardner how to cover baseball and eat a hotdog at the same time.
Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor is in second place 18 misses so far. Ben is little – at last measurement he was only 4-foot-3 1/2 -- but he’s sneaky, fast and hard to pin down. Kind of eellike, sort of, only slippierer. They teach that at county administrator school..
Mike Clark, the only PMFL member with groupies and so what if they have to wear girdles to keep the beer guts in check and have bikini moustache waxes on their Amazon wish lists; the Rev.
Lawrence Butler and that dummy Jeff Whitten (me) are tied for third with 19 misses each. I used to be a newspaper editor hack, or hack newspaper editor, or something. Now I’m my wonderful wife’s personal assistant.
Fearless leader and retired Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark (USN, MAGA), is in fourth place all by himself with 20 misses. Right behind him with 21 misses is former District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington, one of the good ones and a darn good dancer. You should see him do the Hokey Pokey.
There’s a logjam for sixth with Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Pipsqueamious” Infinger, District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, Dentist, and retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell all knotted up with 24 misses apiece.
Former BCN assistant editor Ted O’Neil is in seventh with 25 misses and District 1 County Commissioner Alex Floyd brings up the rear with 28 misses, though something tells me there’s about to be a shakeup in the standings next week.
This week’s picks: Michigan vs. Michigan State: Alex and Ted, who was probably not valedictorian of his graduating class at Michigan State but prevailed nonetheless, pick the Spartans to win. The rest of us pick the team with the best helmets in college football, just about.
Speaking of helmets. Here’s the current Whitten’s Ranking of the Best Looking Helmets in College Football Top 5 for you. Feel free to differ: South Carolina’s 1980s George Rogers-era helmet. There’s still nothing anywhere that looks any better than that one did. Wish they’d bring it back permanently.
Georgia Southern’s traditional helmet (none of that alternative jive, please) Michigan Wolverines helmet.
Notre Dame’s helmet.
Dartmouth helmet. That thing just looks good.
Syracuse vs. Georgia Tech: Everyone’s taking the Rambling Wreck -- which just might be the best football team in Georgia at any level.
Texas A&M vs. LSU: Noah and the good Rev. Lawrence take the Tigers, who are on my list of teams who need to fire the coach. Here’s a quick top 5 of coaches who need to start spending their buyouts:
Chad Helton, GSU.
Brian Kelly, LSU.
Dabo Swinney, Clemson. Dabo Dabo don’t.
Chad Helton, GSU (got him on there twice).
Kirby Smart, Georgia. (Hey, he hasn’t won a championship since, what was it, 2022?)
South Florida vs. Memphis: Mike Clark, Ben and Dr. Gene the Lima Bean and maybe the good Rev. Lawrence take Memphis.
UCLA vs. Indiana: Me and Ted take the Bruins, everybody else don’t, per B.J.
Kansas State vs. Kansas: Alex, Mike Brown, the good Rev. Lawrence, Dr. Gene and Freddy take the Jayhawks.
Appalachian State vs. Old Dominion:
B.J., Mike Clark, the Rev. Lawrence, Ben and Dr. Gene take the Monarchs.
Alabama vs. South Carolina: Here’s how B.J. put it: “B.J., Jeff and Ted hate Bama so picking them to lose!”
Illinois vs. Washington: Alex, Mike Brown, me, Ted and Freddy take the Illini, who are coached by a human warthog.
Alright, that’s it for this week. May your days be merry and bright (Lowe’s has already got the Christmas stuff out and it’s giving my wife a bad case of the wants).
Whitten is an occasional columnist for the News.