Welcome to week nine of the Pembroke Mafia Football League - and yes, it’s back where it belongs in the newspaper (not on the OpEd page).
Basically, yours truly got tired of trying to write editor stuff and PMFL stuff at the same time. It made my head hurt and reminded me a lot of those three times I took college algebra.
Besides, I was getting a bit too big for my britches.
What’s more, I’m tired of being snarky and mean.
I’m a uniter, not a divider. A nice guy, not some angry tattooed little smurf with an ax to grind.
So, I’m turning over a new leaf and complimenting everyone.
Hi, how are you? Nice day, you look wonderful. And so smart you are.
I’m looking for the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining in the darkest cloud and whatever other hippy dippy nonsense that pops out.
Remember Romper Room and the Do Bee song? Me neither, but I looked it up and I like it.
“I always do what’s right I never do anything wrong I’m a Romper Room Do Bee A Do Bee all day long.”
I say let’s all be Do Bees this week and scare somebody.
Dawnne Greene is still in first place.
The fabled Richmond Hill city clerk has only 28 misses and is almost lapping me. She’s so nice we don’t mind she’s beating me like a drum.
In second is the man whom we all like to refer to as Little Beezy, or Big Taylorzeezy, or, when we’re being serious, Bryan County Administrator Buckaroo Ben Taylor.
Buckaroo Ben, who is convinced I’m up to something, has 29 misses, one off Dawnne’s torrid pace. Had you told me this time two months ago a pair of local government bureaucrats would be running neck-and-neck for the Pembroke Mafia Football League crown I would’ve suggested you be drug tested.
Now I just want to hug you all because we all need a hug every once in a while.
Hugs and pork rinds. They work wonders.
In any case, it looks either Diva Dawnne or Buckaroo Ben could well be our PMFL regular season champion, barring a run by one or more of our other members, some of whom I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw them. I hope they feel the same about me.
Lurking in third is former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, with 32 misses.
Ted is the greatest journalist who ever lived. I mean that sincerely. The greatest.
In fourth is Dr. Trey Robertson, who is an invaluable, respected, treasured and adored member of the Bryan County Schools family.
With 33 misses, Dr. Robertson is well within striking distance of the leaders. Have I said lately just how honored we are to have a real doctor in the Pembroke Mafia? Especially one with magic powers who can talk to otters. Even better, he listens to them, and understands their concerns.
There’s a log jam of wonderful PMFL members in fifth, Mike Clark, Mark Rogerson and Ernie “The Cheese” Mitchell. Each has his own special qualities, but they all have 34 misses to date.
And then there’s the Dacula legend himself, the Rev. Brad Butler. The good reverend, our spiritual leader and also quite the hoopster - his head fake reminds one of a youthful Pete Maravich - is in sixth with 35 misses, and he’s not there alone. With him is our earthly leader, B.J. Clark, the man who keeps a jelly sandwich in his pocket to feed the squirrels. B.J. also has 35 misses.
That’s OK, because B.J. is the finest American on the planet and the finest earthling in America.
He’s the bees knees. The straw that stirs the camels drink. Mr. October and November (Octember!).
Up next in whatever place this is, is Pembroke City Administrator Alex Floyd with 36 misses. I sometimes poke fun at Alex, but the truth is that without Alex there would be no fun for anybody.
Let that sink in for minute.
Up next with 39 misses is Bryan County First District Commissioner Noah Covington. An oligarch in the truest sense, Noah is a worthy candidate to be our next five-term president of the United States. I endorse him and his beard wholeheartedly.
Let there be Noah, I say. All we need are some bottle rockets and a minibike, and we’re headed to Atlanta to start the ball rolling.
And then, well, there’s me with 47 misses. Someone has to do it.
This week’s selections: Appalachian State vs. Georgia Southern: A Thursday night game between two old Southern Conference rivals, this one will either be really great or really bad. Noah, Ernie, Trey, Ted and Dawnne pick the Mountaineers, who, as B.J. points out, are “soon to be dropped from the Top 25 because of the (bleep) beating from our Iggles.”
That’s our B.J. for you. Always a happy thought.
Georgia Tech vs. Virginia Tech: Alex, Trey and I go with Tech, everybody else takes the other Tech. Miami vs. Boston College: Trey, Ted, Dawnne and I take Boston College. The rest take the Canes, who are getting Mark Richted pretty good these days.
Arizona State vs. Southern Cal: Noah, me and Alex take the Sun Devils. Everybody else picks USC-W.
Clemson vs. Florida State: Everybody takes Clemson but me because Dabo Swinney is a wombat.
Florida vs. UGA: Everybody takes UGA but me. Kirby Smart is a like a boyish pumpkin’s head with a visor attached.
Boise State vs. Air Force: Everybody takes the Broncos but me. I pick the Cadets, who have these really nifty lightning bolts on their helmets.
Washington State vs. Stanford: B.J., Dawnne, Ernie, Noah and Trey take Washington State. Those of us with high SAT scores choose Stanford.
Wofford vs. Mercer: Bryan County Sheriff Donnie Thomas’s son is a freshman QB at Wofford (cool, that).
Anyhow, Mark, Ernie, Brad, Mike, Dawnne and Ted take the Terriers. I do too. Everybody else takes Mercer.
They’ll regret it.
Baylor vs. West Virginia: Everybody says WVU.
Tennessee vs. South Carolina: Noah, Ben, Ted, Brad, Dawnne and I pick the world’s greatest state and college football program, South Carolina.
Remember to vote and go hug some trees before they’re all gone.