Jeff Whitten, local columnist
Welcome to another week of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and, right off, here’s something I’ve lately wanted to say, just for the heck of it: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
IN ALL CAPS.
And nope, it doesn’t matter what matter, just thanks for your attention to it.
Of course, as our current president – elected by 49.8 percent of the voters in 2024 -- does in many of his exclamatory outings on his social media thingamajig Truth Social, I probably should put THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER on the end of whatever this particular PMFL turns into, but figure I might forget by the time I get there.
So, once again, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER. It’s fun to type that, but after all, I’m the greatest PMFL columnist in history, maybe of all time, and the PMFL is reaching phenomenal levels of greatness never before achieved in our history, perhaps ever.
Onward.
Lest you forget, there are only about six or seven shopping days until Christmas, I think, so I’ve got some last minute gift ideas in mind for us PMFL’ers.
First, for our fearless leader, B.J. Clark. B.J. is retired Navy and as big a fan of Joe Biden as there is, so hopefully Joe will come down and take B.J. out to lunch in Pembroke.
They might wind up Indian wrestling in the parking lot and giving each other reverse wedgies and purple nurples, and making little devil horns behind each other’s heads when they pose for photos afterward, but that’s okay. That’s the sort of heartwarming slices of octogenarian humanity Facebook livestream and community pages eat up.
Second, for Mike Clark, the only one of us in the PMFL with his own groupies, more of the same. Mike also likes girls who have some padding to them.
Think Hyacinth Bucket or Honey Boo Boo’s momma.
Actually, he really digs female wrestlers. Big leering, stomping ones who live on asparagus, frozen burritos, buttermilk and pickled eggs. And love, of course.
Third, for Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter, a trip down memory lane so he can find his car keys. Last time he checked Roger Maris had them. Or maybe it was Roger Staubach or Casey Stengel. In either case, he’s probably right now at the BCHS gym parking lot, poking around his car trying to find them so he can get home and type up another 15 stories for the week.
Fourth, for former District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington, a new above ground swimming pool. His last pool got holes shot in it in March by some redneck who thought Noah was a shorter-than-average Bigfoot doing some spring skinny dipping. It was actually just Noah, doing his annual spring skinny dipping.
Fifth, for current District 1 County Commissioner Alex Floyd, a real hat. Or, barring that, some new hair. His current hair is made out of repurposed coconut fibers, you know, and it’s turning into a fire hazard and also making him look like he belongs in the Little Rascals as a sort of goody-two-shoed Alfalfa.
Sixth, for County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, the world’s greatest living chairman ever and one who never, ever, never, stops working to save taxpayers money, if he does say so himself, and he does, another 47-1/2 terms in office. He wants to see Hyundai through to completion, you know. And be knighted. And lower the millage rate to minus 9, and property values to zero, and he also hopes to sit on Dabo Swinney’s lap for Christmas.
Seventh, for County Administrator Ben Taylor, something with UGA on it, because Ben loves his Bulldogs so much he had “Go Dawgs, Sic Em, Woof, Woof, Woof,” tattooed on all the county employees a few years back. We’re thinking maybe he’d like a set of those spiked shoulderpads the crazier Bulldog fans wear to games, only Ben can put ‘em on at county commission meetings, and bark at Commissioners whenever they take a vote. Actually, I kind of wish he’d do it when some of the members of the public get up there and start grandstanding.
As a commissioner said to one member of the public recently, commission meetings aren’t reality TV shows, or something like that. Maybe it’s because the meetings are livestreamed, or maybe it’s because the public is getting different, I don’t know.
Oh, and Ben is from Ashburn, by the way. That’s the Fire Ant Capital of the World and home to Keith A Cue, which is barbecue, sort of. Everybody should try it.
Eighth, for District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, a real dentist (albeit retired and richer than the guy who thought up Facebook), a coconut fiber toupee. Gene is getting bald as an onion except on the fringes, where he’s still got a full head of hair.
That’s why I call him “The Yak,” sometimes, because there’s almost a faint resemblance. If not a toupee, maybe Santa will bring Gene a new personal dentist chair he can use when he’s struck by the urge to stay home and monkey around with a few molars. He’s already got pliers and a smock.
Ninth, for retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell, one of those portable translators. Freddy comes from somewhere down around the Okefenokee and talks like he snorted some grits and eggs up his nose. “Sar snickity boymoodles lizurds tasty snaking flaps arms and puts outs fartyeighteenseven fars dagummit, hushemups fishylimitsnade now.”
Freddy should also get a year’s supply of free Firehouse subs for his many years of service to the public and for long putting up with people in Richmond Hill, most of whom are crazy.
Tenth, for the Rev. Lawrence Butler, our spiritual advisor who loves all denominations in his church -- $10s, $20s, $50s – gratitude and plenty of good for putting up with us, and here’s a pastor joke for you: A mother woke her son for church, but he refused, saying people didn’t like him and he didn’t like them. She insisted he go because he was sixty years old and the pastor!
Boy, those pastors are a hoot.
Eleventh, for former BCN Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, now winning Michigan Press Association awards left and right as associate editor for the Grosse Point News, a real college football team to root for. Ted is a Michigan State alumnus. They mostly play college basketball, which nobody likes and hockey, which yankees love. I’m suggesting Ted switch his allegiance to Michigan, which while it has its off field problems at least will cheat up a storm to win football games and fire people later.
And finally, yours truly.
I think I deserve a garnet 1974 Cadillac with horns on the hood and a lifetime supply of Busch Light, and I want somebody to build a wall around my house because, well, I really am starting to not like people.
I could also use a personality, and some looks, and a new hip, and some new teeth, and a Chihuahua, and a cowboy hat, and a new spleen, and some coconut fiber, and a better hat, and a healthier diet, and some things that make closets smell fresher, and one of them grabber things so I can pick up stuff off the floor or clean out the ditches bordering my wife’s property without having to bend over ....
This week’s standings: Carter and Gene are tied for first with two misses.
Carter was perfect last week. He’ll tell you he’s perfect every week, bless his heart, but he doesn’t have time to waste on that.
He’s too busy making Bryan County the best place ever for the World’s Third Largest Car manufacturer to make cars and ditches that don’t overflow when it rains hard.
Second place is crowded, with Ben, Ted, Rev.
Larry and B.J. tied with four misses. Mike Clark is in third and I’m in fourth, while Noah is in sixth and Alex, Mike Brown and Freddy round out the field. This week’s games: James Madison at Oregon: Alex and Carter take the Dukes over the Ducks.
Bammer at Oklahoma:
Me, Ted and Carter take the Tide.
Tulane at Ole Miss: Everybody takes the Rebels.
Miami at Texas A&M:
Noah and B.J. take the Hurricanes.
Memphis at North Carolina State: Carter, Ted, me and Freddy take the Tigers.
Kennesaw State at Western Illinois: Alex, Fred, me, the Rev., Ted, Gene and Carter take the Owls.
Old Dominion at South Florida: Me, Alex, Ted, Dr.
Gene and Carter go with the Monarchs.
Troy at Jacksonville State:
Alex, the Rev., me, Ted and Gene take the men of Troy to knock off the fake Gamecocks.
Louisiana at Delaware:
Mike Brown, Freddy and Carter pick the Blue Hens, who beat visiting Georgia Southern 16-7 in 1997 in the coldest and fastest I-AA game ever.
Arkansas State at Missouri State: Everybody takes the Red Wolves.
Arkansas, by the way, claims to be the birthplace of cheese dip. Also, it has lots of room. Only about 3 million people – give or take – live there. There’s more people than that from New Jersey and Ohio in one subdivision in Richmond Hill. Here’s hoping your week is a good one. Be kind to old people, kids and animals but it’s OK to mean mug developers, Congressmen and people who run community pages on social media. Also, drive safe and keep first responders – that’s cops, firefighters, deputies etc. – in your thoughts and prayers all the time. They’re underpaid and overworked and without them we’d be in a world of hurt. If I had it to over again, that’s what I’d be. A first responder.
Not a cop, because I’d probably tase half the people I came in contact with.
Whitten is an occasional columnist for the News.