Jeff Whitten, Local Columnist
Welcome to the 2025/2026 season finale of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and right off congratulations to our 2026 champ, President Times Two Donald J. Trump.
That’s right, that’s right. Actually, Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger won the thing, but we in the PMFL decided to join the increasing number of very important folks lining up to honor Mr. Trump, the True Symbol of the Mightiness of Our Country, the Mightiest County You Ever Saw.
Yep. Scoff if you must, but nobody has done more for this planet or the universe or us as humble regular people, little people, than our Exalted Great Leader and Peerlessly Great Man, Unique Leader of the American People, President For Life and Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, Conqueror of Greenland and Canada and Mexico and Ukraine in General and Minnesota and other Liberal States in Particular. Just ask him, but be patient. He doesn’t like to toot his own horn.
That said, Former Cadet Mr. Trump has done more in one 8-hour day for the betterment of mankind – whether we know it or not -- and the good of the USA than all our other presidents combined got done during their entire lifetimes. Should you doubt, ask Congressman Buddy Carter, who has only awe-inspired worshipful things to say about the president and all that’s he accomplishing for the good people of Georgia and the rest of the world – which, as we all know, is only out there for us real Americans to rule over and extract resources from.
For generations to come, let’s all remember how Rep. Carter stood by Mr. Trump, because that’s how he deserves to be remembered, as a true Trumper. That and calling Greenland “Red White and Blue Land.”
Well, that and Pooler. Carter deserves to be remembered for Pooler, too.
Oh boy, it makes me feel good all over to be able to do this, and I’m sure all of us in the PMFL feel the same way.
Besides, we also want to honor some standouts in his cabinet, including the Mar-a-Lago-Faced New Queens of Mean. That group includes Attorney General Pam Bondi, Homeland Security Chief Kristi Noem and White House Press Secretary Kristi Leavitt, and, of course the Secretary of Defense – er, Secretary of Buttocks Kicking, er, Secretary of War, sorry – Pete “Papa Pete Don’t Take No Mess” Hegseth, who also likes to be called the Warrior Who Goes from Conquest to Conquest leaving only Fire in His Wake, as well as Honorary Black Belt and Professor of Military Science and Diplomacy and Presidential Citation and Fox News Channel Winner for Most Weird Pullups.
All four have had good seasons, but not great seasons, historically great seasons, like his Great White Abundance, the American Sun, Moon and Stars, the Only True and Exalted Humble Field Marshal President and Emperor of the Vastness of Space and All Dominions Foreign and Domestic, including Congress and the Supreme Court, Donald J. Trump, and that is why we are humbly honored to crown him champion of the 2026 Pembroke Mafia Football League Second Half, as well as retroactively name him first half champion and champion of all previous 10 or 11 seasons because now that we think of it he won those too.
Standings: Carter only had 11 misses and is followed by esteemed ancient sportswriter Mike Brown, the Rev. Lawrence Butler and Mike Clark with 12 misses apiece. It was that close, ladies and gents. By the way, Mike C. has groupies, some of whom sort of look and talk like Marge Simpson. The rest are chain smokers and look and sound like Marge Simpson’s sisters. But when it comes to groupies one must take what one can get. Does anyone still watch the Simpsons anymore? Do most people from Ohio talk like Moe the Bartender?
Our local dysfunctional leader, retired Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark, U.S. Navy, and Bryan County District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace – he’s a dentist, which unlike the airs inflating certain academic titles means he’s a real doctor, only for teeth – finished tied for second with 13 misses, whilst me, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil tied for third with 14 misses apiece. By the way, when I shave my beard and eyebrows I look like Uncle Fester.
District 1 Commissioner Alex Floyd had 15 misses; retired fire chief Freddy Howell and former District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington wound up with 17 misses.
Which, if we were going in the other direction, would put them in first place. But since we ain’t going that way they’re kind of bad at this.
As for what will happen next with the PMFL, the Lord only knows and He ain’t telling yet. I thought of ditching it, but that was a while back.
We could all end up in the hoosegow at some point, or tased until we drop. Heck, we could wind up buying Bulloch County, whether it wants to be bought or not, to give us some living space and room to ride ponies as well as certain much needed minerals for the defense of our nation and to keep those scoundrels in other nations from messing with us. Which of course they’d have to be crazy to do anyway, because the way it looks we can’t even govern ourselves, much less outsource it to somebody else, but if worries about outsiders and others keeps us all on our toes and willing to think bad people are after our way of life and about to turn us all into transgender commies, well, they must be so here we are. The Pinnacle of Civilization. Big Macs and Cokes and large fries and trips to Dollar General all around. Someone please pass the Tylenol.
Whitten is an occasional columnist for the News.