By Jeff Whitten
Editor
Welcome to the final week of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and we have a winner – Michigan Ted.
He is, as the kids say, “fire.”
And so are the Georgia Bulldogs, who handily beat the Texas Christian Horned Tadpoles by a 65-7 score for their second national championship in as many seasons.
That makes our state happy (except for Georgia Tech fans and this particular South Carolina Gamecock, who was pulling for TCU to give UGA a much needed comeuppance. Didn’t happen.).
Anyhow, I know lots of Georgia fans and I suspect they’re still out there giggling up a storm, and I’m happy for some of them and wish some of them would quit giggling and go to bed finally.
Anyway, here are the final standings, and then some last minute thoughts on the PMFL season that was.
As noted above, first place goes to Ted O’Neil. A polar bear-sized bald-headed Michigan uberfan who matriculated at Michigan State and so sometimes feels guilty for his love of all things Wolverine – but especially that dandified genius Jim Harbaugh – Teddy finished with 15 misses. Congrats Mr. Ted.
In second is PMFL spirit guide the Rev. Dr. Lawrence Butler, who had 17 misses and is I believe a fan of the team that just won it all, and PMFL Chief Petty Admiral Third Mate B.J. Clark, retired.
B.J., a Vietnam vet who is still muttering because I said he mistook a stray urinal biscuit for a French fry and went on a hallucinogenic, cabbage-fueled bender all over Pembroke, is the leader of this raggedy band of football pickers.
For an 80-year-old he’s also a lot of fun at parties. Especially when Team Mom Marsha brings healthy snacks and juice boxes and make sure he gets a nap before we turn him loose on the teeter totter.
In third is your’s truly with 18 misses.
Richmond Hill Special Projects Manager Alex “Boiled Eggs” Floyd is in fourth, while the world’s oldest sportswriter, Mike Brown, and Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor (at 2-foot-11, the world’s shortest living adult Dog Fan not kept pickled in a lab somewhere) finished all tied up for fifth.
Taylor, by the way, is from the Fire Ant Capitol of the World. That’s Ashburn, home to world famous Keith-a-Cue. Ashburn is in Turner County, which is where my wife’s cousin’s husband is sheriff and the great Ben Baker runs the Wiregrass Farmer newspaper. They got statues of fireants everywhere down there. But they don’t have don’t have any Hyundai plants. Of course, neither do we, yet, but they’re coming in a hurry and everybody’s getting vapors. “Biggest story in the universe!” Yep.
In sixth are a pair of county commissioners and hardcore BullDoggy fans, District 5 commissioner Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD, and District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington, DVD. Happy for them, too.
In seventh is County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Upsqueamious” Infinger IV. Carter, a Clemson lover who therefore eats popcorn shrimp livers when nobody’s looking, is termed out as Chairman, so he’s probably going to turn into a Congressman. He’s got these happy beady Congressman eyes.
There’s a tie for last place. One of the cellar dwellers is the great Mike “Vanilla Mike” Clark, whose groupies are legion. They may have mustaches and beer guts, but those girls still rock hard to Motley Crue.
Our other cellar inhabitant is Bryan County Fire and Emergency Services Chief Freddy Howell, the 2014 Georgia Fire Chief of the Year per the Georgia Association of Fire Chiefs.
Freddy is from Waycross and talks like it. He’s also the best county fire chief on the planet, and Bryan is lucky to have him. Yes, he paid me to write that.
Anyway, I want to thank all of these folks for playing this year, and all those no longer on the roster who played in all the years this thing has gone on. B.J. and me started this PMFL thing up many moons ago, and we’ve added people and lost people, but through it all there’s been a core of great humble hard working Georgia Americans like Noah and Mike C., and Alex, etc. Some, like Ben and Gene and Carter and Freddy and Mike B. joined up more recently but are no less invaluable to the team. I wish them nothing but success so long as they realize that South Carolina was here first and is a better-looking state full of better looking people. It is also shaped like a piece of pie, which is better than Georgia’s shape. That said, we all know early Georgians swindled yankee carpetbaggers up one side of Columbus and down the other, and some are still doing it. Salute.
Some of the PMFL made men (and women) who’ve gone on to bigger and better things include Anna Chafin, the county’s most powerful woman (she could have had me crushed me like a grape) and CEO of the Development Authority of Bryan County. Anna is a big Georgia fan and knows her football,
The list also includes Bryan County Schools assistant superintendent Dr. Trey Robertson, a Georgia Tech fan who’s in charge of whatever it is assistant superintendent’s are in charge of. Keeping the superintendent happy, probably.
Melanie James, another UGA fan and another assistant superintendent, also spent a season with us, maybe more. Nobody loves the Dogs more than Melanie James. She gets a weird light in hereye whenever we talk about them. Others who graced us with their presence for a season or two are Bob Floyd, pine cone baron and a whale of a nice guy; the always kind Dawnne Greene, Richmond Hill’s city clerk; and the Rev. Brad Butler, who moved away to pastor elsewhere and is missed, of course.
And then there was Ernie Griffin, another big wheel in Pembroke American Legion Post 164 before he moved with his lovely bride Ginger to Statesboro for the culture. A Vietnam veteran, Ernie was famous for writing a fishing column about not catching any fish. He’s cutting the rug in Statesboro now, a ballroom dancer of no small talent we hear.
We also had team moms. Among them are Rose Mock and Marsha Clark (we mentioned her once, but might as well do it twice) and Jeanne Carpenter – that’s right, she’s mom of a certain mayor with a Beatles haircut. And, even though he doesn’t know it, the wandering spirit of the PMFL is maybe best illustrated by Pembroke’s Man About Town and Volunteer Coordinator, Herbie Benton. He’s a made PMFL member whether he wants to be or not.
If I left anybody out, it was entirely on purpose. Actually, that’s not true. If I left anybody out they’ll let me know about it. Anyhow, the swan is singing on this here season. See you around.
Whitten is BCN editor.