Jeff Whitten

Local Columnist

Welcome to the first week of the second half of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and just so you know, the PMFL has decided it wants its own airport so we can turn it into a spaceport – and we’ll get into that in a minute.

First, here’s our proposal to the powers that be. It’s in the form of a resolution.

Whereas, the Pembroke Mafia Football League is a duly constituted and widely recognized nonpolitical non-registered and sadly nonprofit organization governed by the whims and weirdnesses of its founding members – namely retired Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark and whoever can put up with him at any given moment, and Whereas, the Pembroke Mafia Football League, hereafter known as the PMFL, is full of the smartest best looking people in Bryan County, including several veterans and a professional dentist, and Whereas, the PMFL understands some well heeled folks in South Bryan are looking for a place to stick an airport, and Whereas, the PMFL wants to get into the rocket ship business for various nefarious purposes for the common good of all mankind, and Whereas, those purposes include but are not limited to sending a good chunk of these yankees back to whatever planet they come from and leaving them there so they’ll stop the constant complaining they do down here, and Whereas a rocket ship would be useful for beer runs, and Whereas, we can’t afford to make this happen on our own and will gladly take public funding to accomplish the aforementioned sacred and wonderful mission to the betterment of all of Bryan County, and Whereas, we in the PMFL also would like additional funding to be able to build some air defense systems in order to make sure incoming flights of yankees are discouraged, and to get some good-looking women in mini skirts to serve as ground crew, and Whereas, we are willing to locate said space port in B.J.’s back yard, or up on the roof of Bryan County High School if they’ll let us, at no expense to the Board of Education except for whatever holes get burnt in the top of the school by the rocket propulsion systems, and, Whereas, we adopt the Astrud Gilberto version of “Fly Me To the Moon,” as our official anthem, Be it known that, The PMFL hereby adopts this here resolution requesting all discussions and online wailing and gnashing of keyboards and other boogerings about over an airport hereby be stopped and converted into ready cash to construct a PMFL spaceport.

So ordered on this day, blah blah blah blah blah.

Your pals, the PMFL. I know. I’m silly. It’s late. Onward to this week’s standings: Dr. Gene Wallace, the world’s finest retired dentist, is in first place so far with two misses.

Ted O’Neil, Ben Taylor, the Rev. Lawrence Butler, and the aforementioned B.J. – he’s part man, part silver-back sea walrus – and yours truly are tied for second with three misses.

Mike Clark, Noah Covington, Mike Brown and Carter Infinger are tied for third with four misses.

Alex Floyd is all by himself in fourth with 99 misses, and Freddy Howell is right behind him.

This week’s games: Boise State vs. Washington: Freddy and Noah take the Broncos.

Stephen F. Austin vs. Montana State: Raise your hands if you’re a Georgia Southern fan and miss the I-AA playoffs. Those were great days. Anyhow, Mike Clark and Alex take the Lumberjacks. Everybody sing with me the old Monty Python tune, “I’m a lumberjack and I’m ok ..”

Villanova vs. Tarleton State: Mike Brown and Freddy take the Texans. Rest of us go with Villanova. But honestly, probably either team would win the Sun Belt Conference.

South Dakota at Montana: Freddy, Liturgical Larry and Noah take the Coyotes. Us smarter people take the Grizzlies. Raise your hand if you watched us beat Montana in the rain up in Chattanooga back in 2000. That was fun, even if it was in Tennessee.

Illinois State vs. UC Davis: B.J., Mike Brown, Ben, Ted and me take U.C. Davis.

And finally, Army vs. Navy: Noah, one of the Mikes, B.J., the Rev. Lawrence and Dr. Gene take the squids. Those of us with couth take Army.

Remember to be nice to kids, animals, old people and foreigners. Keep first responders and our service members in your thoughts and prayers, and think good things about all those who serve others rather than themselves. We need them. Oh, and next week we’ll put B.J. in a Santa Claus suit and make Alex pull his finger.

Whitten is an occasional columnist for the News.