Jeff Whitten, local columnist
Welcome to another installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League.
So far, our doors are still open (unlike, say, those on Capitol Hill) and we’re still hard at work on behalf of our fellow men and chicks everywhere, by gum.
And, so far, we’ve managed to remain a functioning meritocracy despite our many differences in such things as economic outlook, life experience, politics and philosophy. And we mostly get along, though sometimes I think some of our members wish other members would stop whining about the depredations visited upon this part of the world by packs of developers.
And, bless our hearts, we coexist despite half our membership swearing at least partial allegiance to two of the three most evil and ill-intended football programs of all time – UGA and Clemson. Well, mostly UGA.
Here’s the list of Bulldog backers in our midst, in case you want to send them sympathy cards for having to watch Kirby Smart’s visor get all askew during close games: Former District 1 Commissioner Noah Covington; retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell; County Administrator Ben Taylor; District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene The Wax Bean Wallace, retired dentist; The Rev. Lawrence Butler, renowned local pastor; there may be others but those guys come to mind at the moment.
We’ve got one Clemson fan in the mix, Commission Chairman Carter Infinger – just which nostril has that finger been in, eh? That’s the question – and that’s probably mostly because he thinks orange and purple go well together.
No, never mind that dumb crack about nose picking. I’ve never seen Carter doing said unhygienic act. Nor, for that matter, have I witnessed any one else on the county commission or city councils inject a finger where it shouldn’t be, at least not in open session. What they do when they go behind closed doors for executive sessions is another matter. The requirement that discussions be restricted to matters of personnel, real estate or litigation probably can also cover a bit of rhinotillexisism, if push comes to
shove. Whether they saw me do something similar back when I covered meetings is of course unlikely, because I am sneaky. I suspect most of us older journalists from the rumpled set partook in a good session of no semismatics when we thought no one was looking. Most of us also tend to smell funny, sort of like stale corn chips and coffee, and have an abundance of nose hair.
Oh, and, when I was in third grade in Columbia, S.C., I ate lunch with a kid named Bobby something-or-the- other and he would pick his nose with two fingers - one up each nostril - and then wipe whatever he extracted with his finger on his shirt under his armpits. My mother, who of course heard all about that from me, used to feel sorry for his mother for having to launder his shirts.
I think Bobby’s in Congress now.
Also, I’ve seen Smart on TV go feeling around the entrance to his nose with a thumb and index fever - I think it was during the Alabama game.
Anyhow, so far, none of us have sunk so low as to become Ohio State fans, though Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter, apparently has distant relatives who think the Buckeyes are the bee’s knees. He’s from West Virginia, which is unfortunate enough to share a border with that misbegotten chunk of the Rust Belt. As is the home state of Ted O’Neil, a former BCN assistant editor and former Michigan transplant who figured out it was getting too crowded down here and headed back to his ancestral stomping grounds. An alumnus of Michigan State, Ted now mans the BCN’s way up north bureau and wins about 100 press awards a year.
But, again, none of us are from Ohio. Which is sort of a miracle, given that if you round up a dozen people in the Coastal Empire at random at any given time there’s a good chance you’ll bag at least three or maybe four transplants from Ohio in the mix, wearing Crocs and shorts in 30 degree weather.
Former editor’s note: Where is ICE when you need them? Instead of swooping down on kids’ birthday parties, they ought to be raiding those Big 10 Buckeye Bars up in Hilton Head.
Anyhow, if our disparate band can manage to get along, you’d think the folks up in D.C. could do the same. Or at least find enough common ground to keep the government OF THE PEOPLE running FOR THE PEOPLE, and realize they’re servants OF THE PEOPLE, all of us, and not just those with the biggest bank accounts.
I used all caps up there for the right wingers among us who tend to like that sort of thing, for some reason. MAGA, you know.
Anyhow, back to fandom. There are no more miserable fans among us than me, B.J. Clark and Mike Clark.
B.J. is an Auburn and Georgia Southern fan, whilst I am a South Carolina and Georgia Southern fan and Mike I believe is, in addition to being the only one us with groupies, a Georgia Southern fan through and through. He may also like Georgia, but that’s his problem. Besides, God knows what’s going on.
Whilst real USC fans of a certain age have long suffered prolonged periods of what is known in more polite society as butt whoopings, Auburn and Georgia Southern fans have had moments of glory and national championships and greatness, all rolled into one. But we’ve fallen on hard times.
Ah well. Standings, compiled by B.J. the D.J.: Mike Brown is in first with only 20 misses so far.
Ben is in second with 22 misses.
Mike Clark is in third with 24 misses.
B.J. and the Rev. Larry are tied for next with 25 misses each.
I’m in sixth with 28 misses. I must’ve got all those last week.
Noah and Dr. Feelgood are in sixth with 29 misses; Ted and Freddy the Swamper are in seventh with 33 misses; Carter is in eighth with 36 misses and District 1 County Commissioner Alex Floyd is last with 37 misses.
Alex, by the way, in addition to owning and paying taxes on half the pine cones in North Bryan, is a frequent writer of this column and an ardent secessionist. He wants Pembroke and North Bryan to secede from South Bryan and all those yankee transplants.
OK, so maybe I made that up. There’s a reason some folks called me Fake News.
This week’s games:
Georgia Southern at Appalachian State:
Alex, Mike Brown, the Rev. and Carter take the Mountaineers. The rest of us dummies hope the Iggles pull out a win. Which is possible. Both teams have fallen on hard times.
Florida State at Clemson: Alex, Carter, Freddy and Dr. Gene pick the Noles to win.
James Madison at Marshall: Dr. Gene goes it alone in taking the Thundering Herd.
Texas A&M at Missouri: A key Southeastern Conference showdown between two teams from outside the Southeast. Football imitating life or something, one supposes. Anyhow Noah is the only one to take Missouri.
LSU vs. Bama: B.J., who by law can’t pick Alabama to win in any sport, is the only one to roll with the Bayou Bengals.
North Dakota State at North Dakota: Noah, Rev. Lawrence and Freddy take North Dakota. The rest of us can still remember that trip Georgia Southern took to NDSU years back.
Navy at Notre Dame: B.J. and Alex take B.J.’s alma mater, the USN.
Auburn at Vandy: B.J. is true War Eagle, even in times of distress. Auburn fired their coach, Hugh Freeze (dude looked kind of like a hairless guinea pig), so maybe things are on the upswing.
ETSU at Samford: Noah, Alex, Ted, Freddy and me take Samford. I worked at a paper with a Samford grad once. He talked funny, sort of like Ernie or maybe it was Bert from Sesame Street.
Savannah State at Albany State: Noah, Carter, Freddy and the Dentist take the Tigers in an upset.
That’s it for this week. May your days be merry and bright. I know, it’s not even Christmas yet but my wife has already made me drag our $300 tree from Lowes down from upstairs. She has every nook and cranny of our humble abode all tinseled up by Thanksgiving.
Whitten is an occasional columnist for the News.