I have just received Junior E. Lee’s analysis of the recent elections. Junior, as you know, is general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Ga., and a certified pest control professional.
When not trying to get rid of termites in Arveen Ridley’s barn, Junior manages one of the most highly respected polling organizations in the country, Round or Square Polls Inc. His motto is, “We will cook the results as long as you’ve got the dough.”
Junior apologized for not getting back to me earlier but said he had discovered carpenter ants in Aunt Pokie’s drawers. That brought all kind of images to mind, but I chose not to pursue it. There is much about the pest control business I don’t understand.
I asked Junior what the polls revealed about President Obama’s win over Republican challenger Mitt Romney. He said that more Americans seemed comfortable with the empty suit they knew than a wooden statue they didn’t know.
I wondered why the GOP didn’t do better in national elections. He told me poll respondents said most reasonable Americans think that white guys who go around saying women have “legitimate defenses against rape” and calling pregnancies that result from rape a “gift from God” don’t deserve to be in Congress. Junior said the poll indicates that Washington already has enough weirdoes without sending more there.
On another matter, Junior told me many Georgians believe the American Legislative Exchange Council has taken over the operation of state government. To verify that, Junior E. Lee teamed up recently with Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter Skates Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair in Pooler with an experiment that proved how powerful the group really is.
He said Skeeter was down in the back with lumbago and got behind on tree stump removals. The two of them decided to send out a bogus bulletin from ALEC to House Speaker David Ralston, R-Blue Ridge, and Sen. Majority Leader Chip Rogers, R-Woodstock, telling them to have their members eat a tree stump before the end of the week. Junior said it worked like a charm. Skeeter is totally caught up and the Republicans are still hiccupping sawdust.
Junior got quiet suddenly and I asked him what was wrong. He said he hated to tell me but his poll showed I didn’t have squat influence in my efforts to defeat the charter school amendment. I told him I knew that. I got rolled like a cheap cigar. But I told Junior that some good had come from the experience.
For one thing, Gov. Nathan Deal’s spokesperson, Brian Robinson, acknowledged my existence. Mr. Robinson even called me “buddy” as in “Sorry, buddy. Matt Ramsey is dead on right.” He was referring to Rep. Matt Ramsey, R-Peachtree City, who wouldn’t respond to my emails asking about a comment he had made about me to a reader. My sources tell me Mr. Ramsey refers all his media calls to the governor’s office because they don’t have enough to keep them busy. Personally, I think he was too busy eating a tree stump to get back to me. I try to see the good in every situation.
I told Junior the strategists for the charter amendment’s passage have reached out to me and seemed gracious in victory. Junior allowed as to how it will be interesting to see what they say. He said he didn’t think politicians were as gracious as strategists because they are attracted to money like fleas to a dog. Junior and his pest control analogies again.
He said poll results show public school-dissing, ALEC-worshipping politicians are already lining up to get campaign contributions from for-profit education companies. Junior is going to let me know when the first contribution is received and by whom so I can tell my readers. I can’t wait.
I asked Junior about the Democrats. He said there weren’t enough of them left in Georgia to give him a statistical sample worth considering and, besides, nobody cares what they think anyway. Junior can be pretty brutal in his assessment at times.
I was curious what else the polls showed about the elections but he told me he would have to call me back. He said he had an emergency. Aunt Pokie had called and said she wanted him to come look in her drawers again. With that, he hung up. There is much about the pest control business I don’t understand.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at email@example.com or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Ga. 31139.