Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company in Greater Garfield, Ga., recently called me, all out of breath. I usually am not that concerned because after Junior has sprayed Arven Ridley’s barn for fleas, it sometimes leaves him winded. But I knew this wasn’t the case. He isn’t scheduled to de-flea Arven’s place for another two months.
Junior wanted me to know that his newest polls show the majority of the American public doesn’t like any of the current Republican candidates for president and likes the incumbent even less. Junior says there is groundswell for a consensus candidate that will unite all of the middle-of-the-road Americans who are equally turned off by liberal weenies and right-wing whackos. The most popular choice, he says, is Elmer Fudd.
Some younger Americans may not be familiar with Mr. Fudd because they have never watched cartoons, but they probably won’t vote anyway. They would rather walk around yelling into their cell phones and impressing people with how important they are than to worry about who is running the country. But for the rest of us, Fudd is an American folk hero.
First off, he is an actual Looney Tunes character. Most of our politicians are in office several years before we discover their latent Looney Tunes gene, and by then it is too late. Lizard-loafered lobbyists already have put a bazillion dollars into their re-election campaigns, and we are stuck with them.
Elmer Fudd never has held a job, but poll respondents said that should not be a negative because President Swivel Head has never held a job, either, unless you call being a community organizer a job. I don’t.
Fudd obviously is not as photogenic as Mitt Romney, but he would never go to Mississippi and say things like, “I am learning to say ‘y’all,’ and I like grits.”
Elmer also would not go to New York City and say, “I’m learning to say ‘fugeduboutit,’ and I like liverwurst.” New Yorkers would dip him in concrete and toss him in the East River. Mississippians are too polite to do that. They just wouldn’t vote for him because he would sound like an out-of-touch dork in blue jeans.
Round or Square Polls found that Fudd matches up well against Republican candidate Rick Santorum. That’s because Fudd would not vote to spend $358 million for the infamous bridge to nowhere in Alaska that was scheduled to serve 50 people. He’s not that Looney Tunes.
I asked Junior how Fudd would compare with Rep. Ron Paul. Junior said he wasn’t sure because he is afraid to ask any questions about Ron Paul. His supporters don’t possess a sense of humor. He thinks maybe that is where all the state flaggers have gone.
Fudd doesn’t have a trophy wife like Leroy Gingrich. This is a sore subject with Lee. Louise Gingrich hasn’t been the asset in the campaign that many thought she would be. He felt he had convinced Leroy and Louise to buy a pickup and get down with the common folks. Louise even wrote him and thanked him for the idea. Then Junior heard that Leroy and Louise recently slipped away in the middle of the campaign to go have dinner at a fancy French restaurant in Washington. Junior says that was money they could have spent on a truck and it is obvious they didn’t take his advice. He says Leroy is toast.
One of the negatives of Elmer Fudd’s potential candidacy is that he has never been married and talks funny, but Junior E. Lee thinks many of the respondents confused Elmer with Barney Frank, the retiring Massachusetts congressman. Elmer may sue the respondents for slander.
Fudd always is seen with a shotgun at his side and willing to use it. Junior says that would discourage people sneaking across our border illegally and make those clowns in Iran think twice about making nuclear warheads. Also, a president with a shotgun at his side isn’t likely to be apologizing all the time.
I told Lee to go take a cold shower before he hyperventilated and that I would pass this information along to you for your consideration. Despite what Junior says, I don’t think the little guy has much of a chance of becoming president but, after watching President Swivel Head and his Republican opponents, you have to admit that Elmer Fudd is looking better and better.
You can reach Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Ga., 31139.