Welp, looks like somebody went and let the dogs out Monday night.
Indianapolis will probably never be the same. I’ve never been there, but still – you hate to see an unsuspecting Midwestern town overrun with red-painted drunkards barking at everyone (see social media or Google idiot Georgia fans to see).
For those few who don’t know what in heck I’m going on about, Georgia just won its first college football title since 1980. The Bulldogs did it by playing Alabama toe-to-toe for three quarters and then making plays late to pull away. A celebration has followed.
Georgia has many fine fans and alumni, of course, and I know a few and like those I know, or most of them anyhow. I am happy for them and hope they enjoy basking in all the vicarious splendor of UGA’s accomplishment. When it is South Carolina’s turn next year I know they’ll want the same for me.
But all in all, the UGA fanbase is not one of my favorite things. I am a Gamecock and Georgia Southern Iggle, and my unholy trinity in order is Clemson, Georgia and, increasingly, Ohio State.
I was born and raised to dislike the first two, but the flood of Buckeye state transplants into the South over these past decades has raised OSU football to its present negative status in my estimation. It’s bad enough getting smack-talked by your geographic and historic rivals, but when people whose ancestors fought a war against yours move in and start throwing their weight around, something’s askew. Not that it matters.
I after all am merely an aging weekly newspaper hack and that’s about as low a life form as there is, ranking somewhere down there with personal injury lawyers and congressmen named Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Onward: I got emailed a link to a video the other day that got me to thinking. I know that can be dangerous, but what the heck.
The video is what I gather is a promotion of sorts for a certain local magazine in which its staff members do what I think is a takeoff on the opening credits of the TV show “Friends,” to the show’s catchy theme song.
What an idea, I thought. Then I thought this newspaper should maybe do the same thing. Not to “Friends,” of course. That’s already been done.
Besides, I’m a dude. That means I’ve only seen maybe half an episode of “Friends” and don’t know who any of the characters are unless my wife tells me first. Anyway, we need to chart our own course and pick our own famous TV show (or movie) to adapt and let it it rip. Some ideas:
• “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”: As editor I of course would be that filthy sweaty rat-faced Tuco, who is seriously cool but not particularly good looking which sort of suits me. Or Lee Van Cleef, who is also cool but reminds me in a bad way of a guy I was in the Army with in Germany named Griswald. They both had weird dragon-like nostrils that opened up wider than two-car garage doors when their owner flared them. Yikes.
The best part of using “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly” is we could include Ennio Morricone’s classic score and just do one long closeup of a rusty newspaper rack on which someone parked a scratched off dud lottery ticket, followed by a quick cut to our chief of digital operations bravely putting together his monthly reports on how many people don’t go to our website.
He thinks it’s because we’re increasingly irrelevant. I think it’s because we don’t try to insinuate ourselves into people’s lives every moment of the day, like the stressed out TV news reporters and those lonely look-at-me I’m important bozos on Facebook. He’s probably right.
•“Leave it To Beaver:” According to a lifelong friend, yours truly was born to play Eddie Haskell. I was a proper gentleman when his parents were around and could eat my share of cheese all day long. “You look lovely, Mrs. McManus. That’s a wonderful outfit.” When they left, I’d light up a cigarette, crack open a beer and give somebody a wedgie. I was 13 at the time.
Some other possibilities include “Evening Shade,” “The Munsters,” the Price Is Right (my mother loves the show and our ad rep Hollie is always upbeat and bubbly and would make a great contestant) and “Mr. Ed.” Everybody enjoys a good talking horse story, and it’s got a great theme song.
I left one out on purpose: “The Brady Bunch.” I left it out because we’d have to get three or four weekly papers together in order to get enough staff to play the parts of Mike and Carol and Greg and Marsha and Peter and Jan and Bobby and Cindy and Alice the maid. Instead, Tom Hanks “Castaway” feels more appropriate. I’d play Wilson.