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Jeff Whitten: If you can’t beat them ...
editor's notes

I would like to use this space to announce my sudden candidacy for high offices. I know what you’re saying.

You’re saying, “thank heavens, our long national nightmare is over. Team Whitten is here to whup some sense into the world.”

Yep. That’s right, that’s right (to quote his Carter Infingerness). Since I can’t beat them, or even keep up with most of them, I am going to join them.

However, since I cannot decide where I’m needed most, I’m going to go ahead and run for (and WIN) all of the seats up for grabs at the same time – a time saving measure that will ensure the public gets the best bargain for its tax dollars it ever saw.

Now, I know in order to get your vote fair and square I need a slogan. I thought about “Jesus, Guns and Babies,” but that one has already been taken – although it might not have been taken in Latin: “Lesus, sclopeta et infants.” Er, kind of weird, that. Never mind.

I’m sort of partial to “Buddha, Bazookas and Babes,” or, taking a completely different tack, “Illegitimi Non Carborundum Poobahdum,” which some of us former ragbag Army E-4s know is translated into American as “Don’t let the (bleep) battery commander grind you down.” Words to live by, clearly.

This fixation on campaign slogans sort of made me wonder what Jesus, whom I believe is a fan of babies, thinks about guns – does he have six shooters, for example? Or AR15s? Is he a member of the NRA?

But mostly slogans make me wonder if our Founding Fathers encapsulated their thoughts on wise government in such a manner to appeal to a base? Did the Tories go around chanting “Us Tories are Hunky Dory!”?

And is a base base or merely uninformed and thus certain they know the score without even knowing the game, as could well be the case with a base, one reckons, perhaps basely. I will have to ask Tom Hand, who writes the well-read Americana Corner feature in this paper. He knows, or can find out if he’s not too busy channeling Benjamin Franklin on You-Tube videos.

What’s more, since I don’t want to be another politician offering up hindquarter- smooching sound bytes about how you’re No. 1 and I’m going to save you from enemies you didn’t even know you had, I’m going to explain my platform in excruciating detail. Which shouldn’t take long.

That’s because I know your time is valuable and we’ve got lots of candidates and incumbents vying for seats on the school board. All are no doubt worthy combatants and smarter than me. And that’s OK.

You see, we’re in the middle of a local version of the national phenomena, and to realize how weird this thing has gotten you only have to Google “irate parents” to find stories aplenty on boards of education getting their hats handed to them by fed up grownups demanding a say in their children’s education.

And they’re right, you know. Parents should have more say in the education of their children. In fact, they should have ALL the say. So, when I’m elected to be the new school board (feel free to call me His Omnipotence, or the Serene Superintendent of Serendipity, or Serendipity Dawg, for short), I intend not only to give parents their say in what their kids are taught, I’m going to eliminate the middle man and require parents teach their own offspring and leave the rest of us out of it.

That’s right, that’s right. My strength as an omnipotent ruler of all who exist beneath the moon and stars and sun is in my ability to delegate, and as your supreme educational warlord I’m going to put the public back in public education. Once educators and all that educational babble they talk is outlawed, parents are going to be left to teach their kids whatever they want, however they want, whenever they want. Heck, why should the state be involved in education at all? Time to cut this co-parenting nonsense out for good. If you want your kid to go to school and get educated, do it yourself.

Oh, the joy. Think of the tax savings. We can shut down boards of education and open 1,000 government sponsored Chic-Fil-As, which will cut corporate taxes. A Jiffy Lube on every corner where elementary schools used to sit! Places to spend money and inhale tender fried pickle-juice soaked calories whilst getting the oil changed! A roller rink to burn the calories off! Permanent bouncy houses! More cashiers at Dollar Generals! Progress!

Signed, your pal, Julius Jethro Superbus Maximus Hermanus Annibilus Horribilus Omnibus Greyhoundbus Jeffbus Majorian Motorbus Earnhardtbus Munsteranus Electricalbus Scooterbus Caesar Elvis Whitten II-1/2.

Up next; What I will do once I’ve fixed schools and am elected governor of both Georgia and South Carolina.

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