Move over Anne Landers. Get out of the way Dear Abby. Eat my dust Miss Manners.

In other words, welcome to the first installment of Hey Dear Ed, a brand spanking new semi-regular question and answer feature of this weekly newspaper in which I, the Ed, answer selected questions from readers just like you. And without further ado, here goes nothing.

Hey Dear Ed: Gas is going to be $5 a gallon pretty soon and I’m tired of it. I think it’s the President’s fault, him and all these hippy congresswomen who don’t shave their legs because they’re protesting big oil. What say you? Signed: Guzzling Gus 

Hey Gus: I don’t know whose fault it is, though I’m sort of surprised my wife hasn’t blamed me. I do know one thing – gas is higher than it’s ever been in my lifetime but it hasn’t slowed folks down. You’d think people would want to conserve what gas they’ve got so they wouldn’t keep having to buy more, but nope. If anything, people are driving faster than ever.

Maybe they think if they go faster they’ll save gas because it won’t take as long to get where they’re going, but I don’t think it works that way.

Oh, and the other day they interviewed people about high gas prices at a station up in Bluffton in my home state of South Carolina, and everyone they talked to sounded like they just escaped from New York. It was worse than listening to fingernails on a blackboard. Also, we need a moratorium on growth before there’s no gas, nor water, nor room left for us old folks or our grandchildren.

Warmly, Ed 

Hey Dear Ed: Do you plan on doing that dumb stupid Pembroke Mafia Football League again this year? Signed: You know who.

Hey You Know who: Yessir. It’s coming back for another spin around the block when college football season arrives – and thank goodness there’s only about 10 or so weeks until kickoff. On that note, me and PMFL co-founder and CEO and President and Chairman B.J. Clark plan on returning the league it to its roots. Like NASCAR, the PMFL grew too big for its britches and lost some of whatever it was that made it authentic Pembroke Mafia Football League. Look for a “less is more approach” to the PMFL, coming soon to a Bryan County News near you. Oh, and go Gamecocks and Iggles and THWG. Ed 

Hey Dear Ed: What’s your favorite way to cook squirrel? Signed: A convenience store chain breakfast chef 

Hey Chef: Great question. But I need to make sure we’re on the same page here. So first, are we talking about South Carolina grey squirrel or Georgia field squirrel, or some of those albino Florida yard squirrels that have extra toes? It matters.

While you can cook South Carolina squirrel right off the tree, you have to brine Georgia squirrel, because otherwise they’ll taste sort of like a rooster that went past its eat-by date. I also don’t recommend your regular albino Florida yard squirrel, because they tend to run a bit sulfurous and bony, and those extra toes can be hard to get out of your teeth. And, let’s face it, they’re kind of scary to look at. As for my favorite way to cook squirrel, I enjoy making a good platter of Buffalo fried squirrel, which is basically the same as making Buffalo wings, only you use squirrel. One note: Avoid squirrel brains, which are a delicacy in Kentucky. They can carry mad cow disease. And always wash your hands and wear a hair net before preparing any meal. Happy squirreling. Ed 

Hey Dear Ed: What’s your take now that the local Republican primaries are over? You didn’t do much of a job covering the school board races, by the way. You should hang up your editor’s job and bag groceries for a living. Signed: Mrs. Just Moved South 

Hey M’am: My take is I’m glad they’re over and most of the silly stuff stayed on social media where I didn’t have to watch. I did find it interesting after the fact that one candidate who’d lived here all of 18 months ran on the slogan “It’s Time for a Change.” I learned about this from a third party who took umbrage to that slogan, having actually grown up here. PS. I don’t think I’m qualified to bag groceries either. Ed.