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Jeff Whitten: Down the road a ways
editor's notes

How does one predict the future, you ask? Well, in my case I peer deep into the recesses of my crystal wiffle ball and then interpret what I see using my vast experience as a weekly newspaper hack.

2062: Subdivision militias reach a truce. Armed with AR-15s, hockey sticks and IED’s made out of empty Skyline chili cans, militia representatives from Buckeye Trace, Buckeye North, Buckeye Oaks and Buckeye Woods Phase 37R-2D2 met their counterparts from Wolverine Woods, Wolverine Watch, Wolverine Willows and Michigan Mounds at the Urban Meyer/Bo Schembechler Indoor Motorized Soccer Complex to arrange a dance off and ceasefire. It worked.

The factions have been at war since the Great Dumpster Fire of 2038 at what was formerly the South Bryan Administrative Building, before it was turned into additional upscale warehouse space.

The dumpster fire, which burned for nearly two weeks, sparked riots, with militias from the subdivisions blaming one another for starting the conflaguration with pizza boxes and charcoal lighter and getting ashes in various community pools and in all ways “messing up our quality of life, man.” Earlier efforts to reach a peace accord fell through when a leader of the Buckeye Woods Phase 37R-2D2 delegation is discovered wearing Michigan Wolverine pajamas underneath her sweatpants during a weapon’ check.

2077: School systems around Buckeye County (formerly known as South Bryan) start on schedule, again. However, the wall-towall coverage by Savannah TV crews staking out various campuses to cover the arrival of the district’s 78,299 students and 600,000 employees led one exasperated senior citizen from a Coastal Empire county to boycott of local TV news. “Schools have been starting for as long as I can remember, and I’m old as dirt! It would actually be a news story if schools didn’t start. Enough is enough. Cover something else. Please!!” Coverage of her protest was sandwiched in between school openings on newscasts at noon, 1 p.m., 2 p.m., 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 5 p.m., 6 p.m. 7 p.m., 10 p.m., 10:30 p.m. and 1 a.m.

2099: The Great United States Heat Belt turns the average daily temperature in Hyundai Hamlet – formerly known as the Pembroke, Black Creek and Ellabell Urban Metro Area –

up to 137 degrees, hotter than was previously predicted. “It’s like living in one of those hot dog warmers down at the Zip-In-And-Out-And-Back-In-Again,” said someone’s second cousin Pervis, who should know. Democrats blame the sweltering heat wave on climate change. Republicans blame it on Democrats.

3014: Savannah, Georgia’s oldest surviving city, is annexed by RayonierLTD Pines No More, which was formerly known as Richmond Hill. A press release from the city points out RayonierLTD Pines No More is “a growing city of 1 million plus residents with small town charm and a quality of life second to none.” City officials also announce plans to make Savannah a Tax Allocation District so “we can put infrastructure before development and grow more gardens for people.”

3024: In a blow to plans to lower the sea level so that vast swathes of ocean floor once belonging to Henry Ford (and later parceled off into a swanky subdivision for wanna-be billionaires) can be reclaimed for future development, the plug at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean refuses to come unstuck.

3025: A Buckeye County plan to assess an impact fee on new construction, with the proceeds helping fund additional studies into whether or not additional studies were warranted into ways to grow rooftops on top of rooftops, is scotched by Buckeye County officials after the Buckeye/Wolverine Association of Burly Homeowners Associations balks at paying an additional fee to develop rooftops atop the rooftops atop their rooftops. “Especially since we still don’t have a Chic-fil-A,” said one disgruntled rooftop owner.

3125: Still seeking vengeance for the results of the 2020 election lost by former President Donald Trump, members of the far-right Super Republican Anti-Raffensperger MAGA Brotherhood announce a slate of candidates set to run for every office not currently held by a Brotherhood member in the United States, including dogcatcher. Rallies are held at Donald Trump statues on Donald Trump’s birthday across the U.S., including the statue in Sen. Hershel Walker Park in RayonierLTD Pines No More.

4820: As part of his sold out 4820 Appetite for Redevelopment World Tour, Mechagodzilla makes a stop in Buckeye County and stomps the place flat. Godzilla Jr., King Ghidorah, Mothra and Rodan serve as opening acts. The redevelopment event was sponsored by the Buckeye County Chamber of Commerce and RayonierLTD Pines No More.

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