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Humor: Congress A-OK shutting government down
God bless America, how's everybody?
Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. - photo by File photo

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The FBI warned online shoppers to beware of con men taking advantage of the heavy holiday Internet traffic. They said last year a con man made $60 million circulating that e-mail by a so-called Nigerian prince soliciting money. Democrats say for the last time, he was born in Hawaii.

Prince Harry announced his engagement to Hollywood TV actress Meghan Markle on Monday at Buckingham Palace. The timing was just perfect for the couple to announce their intention to marry. You can’t put a price on love, but if you could, it’d be 40 percent off this week on Amazon.

Prince Harry’s fiancée is actress Meghan Markle from the USA Network hit series "Suits." She was raised Catholic, then she became Jewish for her first husband and she’ll now convert to the Church of England. Maybe I saw too many Perry Mason’s but she seems to have a thing for red wine.

Penn State lauded its former assistant football coach Greg Schiano after he lost the Tennessee job because he worked under convicted child molester Jerry Sandusky. It’s awful. The scandal is so poisonous that Sandusky, Ohio, changed its name to Anthony Weinerville to upgrade their image.

The National Retailers Association reported that online shopping set a world record on Online Monday, surpassing all retail store sales. The web could save the world. Next year’s Nobel Peace Prize could go to whoever can get Kim-Jung Un to put away his missiles and start Tweeting like a man.

Kim-Jung Un was shown exulting during North Korea’s successful ICBM launch that put the entire U.S. in his range. The guy never misses a meal. Taking him out with a targeted air strike seems to be the only option, because Kim-Jung Un is so fat Donald Trump couldn’t build a wall around him.

Hawaii’s Democratic governor brought back their Cold War early warning system in case of a North Korean missile attack. It’s his second-biggest fear. Being a Hawaii Democrat means reacting to a Kim Jung Un missile test by admitting you’re frightened that Trump may do something irrational.

Sen. Chuck Schumer warned of a U.S. government shutdown if Trump doesn’t compromise with Democrats on the budget Tuesday. The U.S. government runs out of money next Friday. For history buffs, the longest government shutdown was the four years when Jimmy Carter was president.

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi canceled a meeting with Trump Tuesday to discuss how to avoid running the government out of money in eight days. If the government shuts down, it’s still a partial shutdown. Congress will get paid their full salary under the Americans with No Abilities Act.

MSNBC former host Keith Olbermann announced on his YouTube outlet Tuesday that he’s retiring from political commentary. He lost previous jobs at CBS Sports, ESPN, MSNBC, NBC, Current TV and MSNBC again. Keith Olbermann’s been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.

Florida Gulf Coast University is offering a sociology course called White Racism that teaches kids that America has been and remains a white supremacist society. It was confirmed by a music survey taken of college kids on Fraternity Row. Their favorite rapper is Jay-Z’s racist cousin, Nat-Z.

CNN called Trump racist for mocking Sen. Elizabeth Warren for falsely claiming she’s an Indian on her Ivy League professor application. God forbid the media notice a white was pretending to be red to get a faculty job at Brown. A black woman will join the Royal Family before that happens.

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