HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Trump announced he’ll meet with Kim Jung Un in May for de-nuclearization talks in May just as North and South Korea agreed to discuss an end to the war. Does the media realize what this means? If Trump wins the Nobel Peace Prize, they’re going to need to get a bigger porn star.
Washington Nationals star Bryce Harper was ESPN’s top highlight on Sunday when he broke his bat and still hit a home run. It’s the new super-hard wood. Last year, Major League Baseball stopped making their bats from Kentucky Ash trees and started buying them from Mafia supply stores.
The New York Times released the annual list of America’s fittest state and the most obese state in the Union this past week. The survey says the fittest state is Hawaii, while the most obese state is Mississippi. In Mississippi women have to buy moo-moo-moo’s because two moo’s doesn’t cover it.
Boston hosted Colonial-clad rebels and British infantry re-enacting the War of Independence on Patriots Day. What is not taught in U.S. schools is that an equal number of American colonists fought on both sides in the war. Britain would have won but they insisted on wearing red in the woods.
Canada’s Liberal Party convention met in Nova Scotia Monday and leaders are proposing that all illicit drugs, including cocaine, be legalized. Reaction was swift. Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton and Lamar Odum immediately threatened to move to Canada whether Trump wins re-election or not.
The Gallup Poll says most Americans don’t want Trump to fire Mueller. No one thinks Trump colluded with the Russians, but we can’t get enough of a womanizing billionaire’s sex life. Trump isn’t the first president to learn we are a nation of the peephole, by the peephole, and for the peephole.
Michael Cohen’s client list included two guys who paid off mistresses and Sean Hannity. He insists he only consulted Cohen about real estate. When Hannity got home the first thing he told his wife was the house she didn’t know he was planning to buy for her was supposed to be a surprise.
James Comey refused to refute the salacious Steele Dossier to ABC’s George Stephanopoulos Sunday. Comey admitted he’s a leaker and then said he’d not be surprised if Trump paid hookers to pee on his bed. In a perfect world, ABC 20/20 would have been sponsored by Super Beta Prostate.
The Weather Channel reported high winds uprooted palm trees in Los Angeles Tuesday while snowstorms demolished spring in the Midwest and freezing rain ruined the Boston Marathon. It’s nuts. Maybe it’s time for Mother Nature to take her meds and accept that Hillary lost fair and square.
The Treasury Department forecast record revenues this year as the economy heats up from the tax cuts. However the IRS website crashed on Tax Day, and the system went down preventing millions of Americans from paying their U.S. income taxes on time. Well played, Vladimir, well played.
Comedy Store owner Mitzi Shore died last week, recalling memories of her brilliant reign. One night in 1982, Richard Pryor was joined by Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy and they improvised onstage and murdered the crowd for an hour. Then I introduced Shandling who had to try to follow THAT act, and Garry brought down the house by thanking Robin, Richard and Eddie for opening for him..
E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.