A few years ago, I decided that what this country needed was an organization that specialized in both in-depth analysis of major political developments as well as pest control.
I got the idea when I noticed that none of the skirt-chasers at Fox or the supercilious liberals on MSNBC ever talked about the maize weevil (Sitophilus zeamais) and its potential impact on buckwheat. They were either too busy kissing Donald Trump’s ring or ripping him to shreds because he isn’t a socialist wacko like Bernie Sanders, forgetting that there are a lot of buckwheat aficionados in this world who care deeply about the current status of the maize weevil.
At the same time, I know a lot of good people in the pest control business who do an excellent job of spraying for mosquitoes but are not well-versed on public policy issues such as how we can send astronauts to the Space Station but can’t keep Vladimir Putin from listening in on our phone calls.
That led me to create the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia. The enterprise is ably managed by Junior E. Lee, our vice president and general manager. I am proud to say that in a very short period of time, Junior has become known as both an astute observer of the political landscape as well as a highly-respected pest control professional. I am lucky to have him on my team.
One minute, he may be analyzing polling data regarding Austria’s reaction to Great Britain’s exit from the European Union, and in the next, he is looking for ticks on Arveen Ridley’s coonhounds. Let’s see one of the snoots at the New York Times do that.
Junior E. Lee called me this week and was not very happy. He said one of my recent columns had embarrassed him and the company. He said some of his good friends had found it offensive. Right off hand, I couldn’t think which column that might have been, seeing that a number of my adoring fans deem anything I write to be offensive.
Junior said it was the column describing an attempt to update and streamline Georgia’s adoption code that got caught up in last minute political maneuvering in the Georgia state Senate and as a result, nothing was accomplished including improving the lot of the state’s foster children.
Junior pointed out that in that column, I had said two things you didn’t want to see made were law and sausage. Junior said I needed to be aware that I had insulted a lot of hogs by that remark. That was not my intent. I had meant to insult politicians.
He said hogs take a lot of pride in their sausage-making. So much so that they are willing to give their lives for the privilege of one day becoming a link or patty at someone’s breakfast table. I have witnessed a few hog killings in my lifetime but I never saw one where the hog willingly chose to die. That decision was made for them. However, I thought it best not to bring that up with Junior at this time. He was trying to make a point.
I asked Junior why this was so important to him. He said that with all due respect, I wasn’t as involved in the pest control side of our business as he was. This is true. I tend to spend most of my time tracking global currency fluctuations and trying to remember where I left my car keys.
Junior said a big part of the pest control business is controlling lice infestation in hogs. Hogs have come to depend on him for soothing relief and, as a result, a strong bond of friendship has developed between them. Now, that friendship has been tested by my ill-advised remarks. He said hogs wanted me to know that while they may occasionally be lice-infested, at least they don’t take money from special interest groups and then claim it won’t influence their opinions. There are some things even a hog won’t do.
Junior E. Lee strongly suggested I apologize to his porcine pals for comparing them to politicians. I am happy to do so. Let me start by thanking hogs everywhere for their unwavering commitment to making our lives better through sausage. I also want to assure them that if our intrepid public servants made sausage like they make laws, we would all likely be eating tofu.
You can reach Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org.