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Have you ever hit a shark on the nose?
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I was just recently reading about people who “swim with the sharks.” It seems there is some kind of thrill they get from this. I guess it’s about an adrenaline rush. They get in a tank with maneaters, and sometimes they even touch them as they swim by.
I don’t think I’m in the minority on this, but I’ve never needed an adrenaline rush that bad. And when I had even a trace of such need, a roller coaster could give me my fix. Or riding on I-75 with a tractor-trailer rig right on my bumper.
I’ve never talked to anyone who voiced a desire to swim with sharks. I think many people saw the movie “Jaws” and its sequels, and it’s hard to discount the fact that this creature can have you for lunch.
I can appreciate those scientists who study sharks because they are mostly free of disease and maybe that immunity can be transferred to humankind in some fashion. And sometimes downed pilots must deal with them in the deep blue sea, and the latest in shark repellent is crucial.
Then apparently there are those who like to think of themselves as big and bad. If they can survive swimming with sharks, then I think it gives them a super macho kind of persona. They become sort of a Chuck Norris clone.
 It’s been said that Chuck Norris has a bear stretched out in his den. It’s not really a rug, it’s a real bear that’s afraid to get up without Norris’ permission. It’s also said that Chuck Norris doesn’t have to do pushups. He just gets in the prone position and the earth comes up to meet him.
Oh well, I embraced my human fragility and mortality at a very early age. That happens when you try to take newborn pigs away from their mama.
Also I’m wondering if anyone has ever actually punched a shark on the nose or gouged an alligator in the eye in a mode of self-defense. And yes, I suppose if Chuck Norris encountered a rogue alligator, it would just succumb to his awesomeness and turn into a pair of  Italian loafers on the spot.
I accept that I am not that awesome, so I just try to stay away from either.
As well, I wonder if anyone has ever encountered a grizzly bear and succeeded in scaring it off by “making himself look bigger” than he really is. I’ve read that this is what you are supposed to do — that you should never run.
A grizzly can stand as tall as 9 feet and weigh 700 pounds. So I wonder what a guy who is 5 feet, 10 inches, weighing in at 220, can do to intimidate that creature. I say that because I tried to give an 18-pound tomcat a bath — against the advice of my wife— and it did not end well. Making myself look bigger in that instance was not a factor. It just gave the tomcat more surface to scratch and claw.
I wonder if people who come up with these suggestions have actually tried them or if they are only theorists. I once heard a football coach say, “On paper we’ve got a great team and a great game plan. But we don’t play on paper. We play on Bermuda grass.”
Now with all this advice about how to react when confronting these creatures, no one has offered any such advice if one encounters a Bigfoot. Do you poke it in the eye? Do you make yourself look bigger? Do you tell it you know Chuck Norris? Or maybe you just vow to quit drinking?
None of the Bigfoot shows on TV have broached this subject. You reckon it’s because they know they’ll never encounter one?

Walden is editor/publisher of the Moultrie Observer.

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