Welcome to the latest installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League.
Remember, accept no substitutes.
This week, it’s all about PMFL Founding Father and CEO B.J. Clark, who turned 79 on Tuesday. That’s approximately 3.3 million in sea monkey years.
B.J., for those who may not know, is retired Navy and a big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164. He’s also a personal buddy of mine, but never mind that. Instead, the PMFL board of directors wrote him a song to the tune of “Merrily We Roll Along,” and it goes like this.
Note: We might call it “B.J.’s French Fry Song.” Feel free to sing along.
“Oh, B.J. likes to eat French fries, eat French fries, eat French fries/B.J. likes to eat French fries, early in the morning.”
“Oh B.J. wants his ketchup now, ketchup now, ketchup now, B.J. wants his ketchup now, before he goes exploring.” “Oops, B.J. lost his lucky sock, lucky sock, lucky sock/B.J. lost his lucky sock, his foot it won’t be adorning.”
“And B.J.’s sock was old and true, old and true, old and true/B.J.’s sock was old and true, it kept his French fries warming.”
“So if you see B.J. blue, B.J. blue, B.J. blue/if you see B.J. blue, remember he’s in mourning.”
“That’s because he lost his lucky sock, lucky sock, his lucky sock/ B.J. lost his lucky sock, and now he can’t go farming.”
“That means BJ can’t grow no spuds, grow no spuds, can’t grow no spuds/ Now he can’t grow no spuds, so French fries they ain’t forming.”
“O you better put the ketchup up, ketchup up, the ketchup up/B.J. says put the ketchup up, he’s given you a warning.”
However, when I told B.J. this column was all about him he responded with something resembling alacrity. “NO NO NO, pick on a politician, how about Noah again!!!”
B.J. is referring to District 1 Bryan County commissioner and PMFL member Noah Covington, also known as the King of the North or the next governor of Georgia. We sometimes call him that guy who hasn’t seen his toes since he was 15 and discovered Ho Hos and Twinkies went for a nickle each when you buy them in bulk. Anyway, B.J. put together this little ditty, also to the tune of "Merrily we roll along."
“Oh, Noah likes to eat hot dogs, eat hot dogs, eat hot dogs/Oh, Noah likes to eat hot dogs, he says they’re habit forming." “Noah says he can eat 42, eat 42, eat 42/Noah says he can eat 42, says with mustard they’re quite rewarding.”
“Oh, Noah has a swimming pool, swimming pool a swimming pool/Noah has a swimming pool, its waters are restoring.”
“And if you see a floating frank, floating frank, a floating frank/If you see a floating frank, please don’t go alarming.”
“Cause Noah eats hot dogs there, hot dogs there, hot dogs there/Oh Noah eats his hot dogs there, while Ben Taylor keeps the scoring." “Yet Noah don’t have soggy buns, soggy buns, no soggy buns/No, Noah doesn’t have soggy buns, because carbs he is a scorning.”
What’s that, B.J.? You want me to run a verse or two about Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor? Sure man. It’s your birthday week. “Ben Taylor wears designer socks, designer socks, designer socks/ Ben Taylor wears designer socks, the view is so rewarding.”
Note: Ben says he orders them from the North Pole, by way of Amazon.
“He got his socks from Amazon, from Amazon, from Amazon/O Ben got his socks from Amazon, and they’re funk absorbing.”
That’s a good thing, too. Those public hearings can get kind of closed in. “That means Ben ain’t got Frito feet, Frito feet, no Frito feet/Nope Ben ain’t got no Frito feet, that helps fi ht global warming.”
Who else, B.J.?
You say Dawnne Greene, Richmond Hill’s city clerk? Dawnne is currently in first place in the PMFL. She knows her football. “Oh, Dawnne is from way up north, way up north, way up north/ Dawnne is from way up north, and her we are adoring.”
Dawnne’s from England. Not the real England. The England we took from the British and turned into Vermont and a bunch of other little left- wing states where people say “Bahhhh-sttan” a lot and bring their own reusable bags to the grocery store. Another verse:“Dawnne she likes her footballs flat, her footballs flat, her footballs flat/Oh, Dawnne she likes her footballs flat, cause the Patriots she’s supporting.”
And one more: “Dawnne she has a dog named Gronk, a dog named Gronk, a dog named Gronk/Oh Dawnne has a dog named Gronk, we think that’s quite alarming.”
But again, this week is about B.J., PMFL’s diehard Alabama fan. In fact, Noah said B.J. has a tattoo of Nick Saban strategically placed where he can admire it whenever he turns around fast enough. I’m not sure whether Noah said that’s so B.J. can admire it or Noah. Noah also said that B.J.’s toenails spell Paul Finebaum backwards, like a Ouija board.
Finally, this for all you tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists (that’s you Ernie Mitchell): Remember, B.J. is 79, right? Well, if you put 19 in front of 79, what do you get? You get 1979. That was Jimmy Carter’s last year in office. Jimmy Carter is B.J.’s favorite president. And what happened just one year later, in 1980? Ronald Reagan was elected. And who in Bryan County really, really, really likes Ronald Reagan? That’s right. Richmond Hill Mayor Russ Carpenter. That’s why we need to build the wall right now, before MS-13 commies sneak into Keller and spray paint “gringos go home” on all the homes for sale billboards.
Onward. You may’ve noticed no mention of the other PMFL members — specifically, me, Pembroke City Administrator Alex Floyd, PMFL Parts Division Director Mike Clark, PMFL Gifted Program Advisor Mark Rogerson, PMFL Editorial Advisor and Michigan Bureau Chief Ted O’Neil, the Rev. Brad Butler, PMFL spiritual advisor, and the great retired Naval aviator Ernest Mitchell, who is currently the PMFL’s head elf. Well, we did mention Ernie, briefly.
There’s also been no mention of Dr. Trey Robertson, he of the ginger mustache and devil-may care leisure suits. Dr. Robertson is in charge of important things for Bryan County Schools. If you don’t like the way the polo team at McAllister Elementary is doing, call Trey.
What? There is no polo team? Call Trey. He’ll get one. Th s week’s standings: In first is Dawnne, with only 12 weeks. She’s been in first since Week 1.
Vanila Mike is in second with 13 misses. “Doomdoom- da-doom-doom, Mike, Mike baby!” In third with 14 misses is Alex Floyd, even though Mayor Judy Cook said Alex didn’t know squat about football. I suspect Ellis is picking for Alex. Mark, who goes to college, is in fourth with 15 misses. Ben and Ted are up next with 16 misses, Ernie, B.J. Trey and the Rev. Brad have 18 misses; Mr. French himself has 21 misses and me, I have 23 misses so far.
We’ll catch up on who’s where and why and what and when next week, and give a shout out to the PMFL Women’s Auxiliary.
In the meantime, I hear the smoke from B.J.’s birthday cake candles was like a controlled burn on post.
Until he’s summarily fired, Whitten remains editor of the News.