There are a lot of important issues facing Bryan County.
Growth. Infrastructure. How many times Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger will say “that’s right,” at a commission meeting.
Whether all of South Bryan will be underwater or close to it in a few decades, if not sooner, like the Union of Concerned Scientists predicts.
Which middle aged state official, Casey Cagle or Brian Kemp, wins the ever-more-bizarre runoff in the Republican primary to determine who gets to represent the party in the race for governor.
Note: I think they should just meet somewhere in a field and fight it out, mano-a-mano, to determine the winner — although, let’s face it, while the vote may go the GOP’s way come November, neither Kemp or Cagle could whip Stacey Abrams in a real fight.
And speaking of real fights, the Pembroke Mafia Football League is fixing to return.
It’s also getting its very first spiritual advisor, a real ordained preacher who I will not name in the paper until I get his permission.
In the meantime, let’s recall some key players in the Pembroke Mafia, starting with retired Navy Chief Petty Admiral B.J. Clark, the Pembroke American Legion Post 164 naval attache for North Bryan Affairs, as well as co-commander of the North Bryan Navy, which I believe currently consists of a fleet of about 13 life jackets and Noah Covington’s inflatable duck ring.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
First, note that B.J. is the brains behind the PMFL. He’s the commissioner and CEO, and founding father. He invented it during slow moments while wading ashore to kick Ho Chi Minh’s butt during the Vietnam War.
That’s right. B.J., who also invented light bulbs, fishing line and the Navy Seals, and was known in his day as The Walrus, once stripped down to his drawers and flip flops, and invaded Vietnam armed with nothing but a fork, spoon and some kite string.
In short, B.J. ran amok through the jungles, sorting out old Ho Chi Minh and his thousands of Viet Cong minions.
B.J. actually probably would’ve won the whole conflict then and there, but hippies back home started protesting the war and Jane Fonda showed up in Hanoi pulling for Alabama to beat Auburn and, well, you know the rest, including that part where it turned out Nick Saban went back in time and shot J.R. on “Dallas.”
Now, in years past, Pembroke Mafia members have included such famous luminaries as Clark’s retired-Navy buddy, Ernie Mitchell.
Ernie, who is from Florida by way of Ohio and now writes The Occasional Fisherman Column for this esteemed publication, is also a hotshot with the American Legion and once ate a whole jar of very-hot hot peppers all by himself, just to show everybody he wasn’t to be messed with.
It worked, too. He started sweating from his follicles and nobody’s messed with him since. To be honest, Ernie scares me. He gives you this look sometimes like he’s wondering how much your spleen and its attendant parts would go for on the Pooler black market. He’s back, so watch what you say.
Also back is Covington, the District 1 county commissioner, and a valued PMFL member, which is why I mentioned his rubber duck float and above ground pool. That’s his county commissioner home-office during summer months, which are just about all the time now.
So, picture this: On any given day we’ve got floating, sun-splashed Noah, serenely buoyant in his rubber duck, with cell phone in one hand and monogrammed battery powered tennis racket gnat zapper in the other, making the important deals that will one day benefit all the little people of the north and make it great again. That’s why we call him King of the North.
We also have in our PMFL midst Alex Floyd, a 200th generation Bryan Countian and the Pembroke City Administrator. Alex wears suspenders with little pineapples on them, smokes a corncob pipe and quotes Bing Crosby when nobody’s listening. He and his truly beautiful wife Kristen just had a son, Ellis. Ellis is already making more money than I am.
There are others in the PMFL, including Bryan County Schools Assistant Superintendent Dr. Trey Robertson; local heartthrob Mike Clark, the best white rapper you ever heard, and Mark Rogerson, whom I feel like I have never met. B.J. will be introducing them and some new members before long. So stay tuned.