I was on St. Simons Island last week, scarfing down massive amounts of corn-fried shrimp at the exquisite little Georgia Sea Grill, when someone came to the table to inquire if Junior E. Lee had finished his analysis of the recent election. That really puffed up Junior when I told him.
As most of you know, Junior E. Lee is general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company in greater Garfield, Georgia, and is a certified pest-control professional. That is a rare combination.
Junior reminded me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to wait for everybody else to give their two cents worth on the election results and then he would come in with the numbers behind the numbers. I have no idea what that means. I assume Junior does.
Part of his delay was due to time he spent treating Arveen Ridley’s bull, Lou Gene, who had ticks in his nose and therefore was not interested in a bunch of cows trying to woo him into the pasture for some boy-girl stuff. I asked Junior how that all went. He said it went well and that when he left Arveen’s place, there were a lot of cows giggling and winking at each other and Lou Gene was leaning against a fence post trying to catch his breath.
Back to the analysis. Junior said that in his opinion, the most positive thing that Georgia’s Democrats can take from the elections is they only have two more years to endure Barack Obama, who makes Jimmy Carter look like George Washington. I told Junior I thought that was a little strong. Junior said Malathion is strong. This is a fact.
Was he surprised that both incumbent Gov. Nathan Deal and Republican U.S. Senate candidate David Perdue won so handily after all the talk by pollsters about how close their races were going to be? Junior said I know about as much about polling as I do about sheep-dip fungicide. Junior and his pest-control analogies.
Junior said polling firms do that kind of thing so candidates will commission more polls, and pollsters can make more money before they disappear until the next election cycle. He said pollsters are like cicadas who are here for a short time and then gone, particularly those pollsters who have no other skill sets to fall back on — like the pest-control profession. While cicadas stay underground for 17 years, pollsters show up every election cycle. Junior said that is why he prefers cicadas. You don’t see them as much, and they aren’t as noisy.
Junior said now that the elections are over, I should have a lot of column material with liberal weenies whining and making excuses and right-wing wingnuts convinced that moderate Republicans are a bigger menace to society than left-wing Democrats and who will probably self-implode before the cicadas return.
I told Junior I had been counseled by a reader not to say “weenies” when referring to liberals. He said that is a pejorative term. Junior suggested I tell him not to come to Emanuel County saying stuff like that. He said local folks don’t appreciate that kind of language. They think words like “pejorative” are — well — depreciatory. I said I would pass that message along.
Junior said I needed to worry more about the right-wingnuts. They have even less of a sense of humor than liberal you-know-whats — if that’s possible. Anybody who takes their gun to church is somebody to keep an eye on. If they are inclined to shoot a hole in the pipe organ, what is to keep them from taking aim at snarky columnists? I told Junior I thought he was being pejorative.
Was there anything else in his analysis that jumped out at him? Junior said he predicts David Perdue will be the next president of the United States. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and asked for further amplification. Junior explained that when the next presidential election rolls around, Perdue will be the junior senator from his state and will have served only two years in the U.S. Senate. He said he wanted to do some more research, but he believes this may have happened before.
I told Junior that kind of talk makes my head spin. Junior thinks I may have inhaled some thiofanox accidentally and told me to go take a cold shower. I think I will. I’ve learned to never question Junior E. Lee.
Contact Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; online at dickyarbrough.com; or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.