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Why you should be giving each other 'report cards' in your marriage
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Marriages need regular, minor corrections to keep working toward relationship goals. If you make small changes along the way, it will help avoid the need for major changes later on. - photo by Wendy Jessen
How many marriages dissolve because the couple failed to communicate smaller problems early on, which led to bigger, compounding problems later?

Being married is not always easy. At first, it may feel blissful during the "honeymoon" phase, but then you find things that annoy you about your spouse. Or you may find parts of your relationship that aren't quite working. If you don't talk about these things as well as the things that are going right it can add friction and unnecessary turmoil to your marriage.

So why not have a little performance review, or give a "report card" of sorts, once a week or month to your spouse?

"A growing number of marriage therapists and relationship researchers recommend that spouses and romantic partners complete periodic performance reviews. Couples typically wait too long to go to therapy for help, they say. By taking time to regularly evaluate and review their relationship together, partners can recognize what is and isnt workingand identify goals for improvementlong before problems become entrenched and irresolvable," according to a Wall Street Journal article.

Here are some things you may wish to discuss with each other during your performance review:

  • Are we both working toward reaching our relationship goals? List things that each of you is doing well and the things that need work.
  • Are we reaching our financial goals? Where can we improve?
  • Do we spend enough time as a family with our children?
  • Are we supporting and helping each other with individual responsibilities?
  • Where do you need to personally improve to be the best "you"?
While discussing these things is important, you need to make sure you are giving your performance reviews from a place of love, not dominance or like a boss to an employee. You're both at the same level and on the same team. If one or both of you feel attacked or belittled, that'll instantly put you on the defense. You can't make progress effectively in an argument.

  • Recognize that the problem behavior does not make you or your spouse a bad person. Perhaps an effective tool to use is the "I feel" statement we learned in elementary school.
  • Explain why you feel the way you do about a certain behavior and why it needs to change.
  • Show compassion for your husband or wife. Is the behavior a result of too much stress? A busy schedule? Not enough sleep? Illness? "I understand that you've been really stressed lately..."
  • Discuss the "why" behind the problem and what you can each do to remedy it.
  • Be consistent and make time to regularly discuss what is going well in your relationship and what needs improvement.
While this can be effective for many couples, occasionally there may be bigger problems where you might consider seeking the help of a marriage therapist. Also, if these discussions lead to more fighting rather than resolutions and greater love for each other, that is an indication that your marriage may need some professional intervention to help you work through problems.

By doing these simple performance reviews with each other regularly, you'll become better communicators with each other, and you'll be able to resolve issues before they become serious problems that could lead to divorce. As you focus on what is going well in your marriage while making minor corrections as needed, you will feel closer to one another and have a mutual feeling of being respected, heard and understood.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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