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Why we need to stop saying, Youre not a parent until ...
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Telling new parents they don't deserve the title "parents" because they haven't had a specific experience is a practice that needs to be put to rest. It doesn't help anyone in any way. - photo by Ben Allen
I am a parent. I have a 9-month-old daughter whom I love very much. Ive cared for her, fed her, changed her diapers and spent many nights awake trying to soothe her. Becoming a parent has been a wild ride, full of new adventures every day.

Yet, according to my siblings, parents, family, friends and random strangers on the street, Im not a parent. My profoundly personal experience is null and void because my experiences arent exactly like theirs.

Youve probably been told you're not a parent also. Heck, you might have told other people they arent parents. All because of this quasi-tradition of saying to new parents, You're not a parent until ...

Some of the most memorable you're-not-a-parent-until stories Ive heard include catching your childs vomit with your bare hands, leaving a child in the car on accident, having to sift through your childs poop looking for loose change he swallowed and having to wrap your child in a towel because she had a massive diaper blowout and there are no clean clothes.

People use these statements as ways to share experiences, but the statement that precedes them is insulting. It pushes that being a parent depends on a single event and that you're not a parent until you have experienced a profoundly distressing, gross or irresponsible moment.

Imagine if you were a painter working on a beautiful piece of art and looking for some well-deserved praise from more experienced artists. Yet, instead of praise or helpful advice, you get somebody who says, You're not a real painter until you make a stick figure with watercolors. Its not helpful at all, and its quite insulting.

When I became a parent

Becoming a parent is very personal and not something that should be trivialized. In all honesty, when you ask somebody to describe the moment he or she became a parent, it usually is a very emotional story. For my wife, the moment she became a parent was when we got that positive pregnancy test. For me, it was when my wife was diagnosed with cholestasis, and the doctor explained that our unborn child was at risk. At that moment, I would have done anything and everything to make sure my daughter was born healthy.

In my opinion, what makes someone a parent is a willingness to sacrifice everything for his or her child. Its placing the needs of the child before yourself. Its caring for another human life before you care for yourself.

So, thats why, when people tell me Im not a parent because I havent had a particular experience, I get angry. I understand they dont mean to offend me and its not like theyre harassing me on purpose. What makes me angry is that this practice celebrates bad parenting while trivializing that important moment of becoming a parent.

How this tradition isnt helping the world

Most you're-not-a-parent-until stories highlight a mistake or crazy incident in the persons life. These stories rarely condemn a mistake but instead celebrate it, claiming it as a part of "becoming a parent." Yet, thats the opposite of what we should want. We should want new parents to learn from the mistakes of the past, not repeat them. Repeating mistakes is the path to poor parenting, showing you arent learning and evolving for your children.

We dont need more bad parents. There are plenty of those in the world already. Its actually pretty sad that we need social workers to protect children from their own parents. We, as a society, need to prevent these type of situations and support parents whom may be struggling. We need to discourage being bad parents and start focusing on helping parents become better.

New parents dont need to hear its okay to be a bad parent. Being a parent is hard, and people encouraging us to be selfish is harmful. We need uplifting stories of getting children to sleep through the night, how parenthood is so fulfilling and general encouragement on how we are doing a good job. We want real advice and gentle guidance when we do make mistakes, not people comparing those mistakes to ones they made and telling us its all okay.

What to do instead

This tradition is one that needs to stop. Its one of those things that people do because it happened to them when they were new parents. Its no different from hazing the new freshmen or giving the new kid at school a hard time.

So, the next time you feel the need to say something starting with, Youre not a parent until, stop and think. Will this story actually help new parents? If the answer is no, then dont share it. Instead, compliment their baby and their parenting skills. Give helpful advice from your personal experience. Talk about things people normally dont give advice about, or even ask what they are struggling with and address some issues there. Help other parents become better and feel more comfortable being new parents.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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