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When Dad used to be 'fly': Redefining cool for parents
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Is this the same cool list as Bob's children have? Bob doesn't really care as long as his kids know he loves them and that he would sacrifice his time to be with them. - photo by Davison Cheney
Bob recently came across a letter he wrote to himself as an exercise in English class.

"Dear Bob" it started. (Name has been changed to protect... Bob.)

"I really hope you have all your hair If you don't I hope you don't wear a stupid hat cause that is really lame Also dude if you are really fat you should just kill yourself now Really" - Bob

Ouch. Junior high Bob was a tough room and apparently had no need of punctuation.

Bob's priorities have changed a little since the latter part of the disco into the early Duran-Duran years when he wrote the "really" letter. He is no longer preoccupied with hair, weight or public perception. Well, not weight at least. His understanding of age, fashion and maturity has changed as well.

In short, Bob no longer feels the need to be cool, i.e.: fashionably attractive or impressive, stylish, sophisticated, fresh, up-to-the-minute, trendy, funky, with-it, big, happening, hip, groovy, phat, kicky, fly or stylin'.

These days Bob is more concerned about being a good father and provider. He wants to be healthy; He wants his spouse to like him (very important), and he wouldn't mind getting a raise and a better title above his name at work.

Things Bob doesn't care about? Having the latest anything, and as long as his phone works, he doesn't care what it looks like; A tan; Happening underwear; He could care less -- but not much.

Bob has lost his cool, and he is not concerned. Bob's kids, on the other hand, are right smack in the middle of their cool and are a little embarrassed by their dad. According to Bob's daughter, (as per her Facebook page) "He says "awesome" way too much and dances like he is having a stroke."

Bob's cool:

  • A good dinner that is low in carbs
  • Keeping the baby entertained
  • Family coming first
  • Kids figuring out who gets the TV during prime time without parents having to referee
Bob's not cool

  • Having to look and be like everyone else
  • Being known as the best dressed
  • Labeling people as uncool based on some arbitrary standard
  • Spending hours a week on a lawn and having to take the kids to the park, so they stay off it.
There is some motivation for Bob to retain cool Kool-aid house status. If Bob's house is cool, as far as the kids are concerned, then the kids hang out at Bob's house -- and if his is the hang-out house, then he knows what his kids are up to.

But Bob doesn't go overboard. He is focused on what is important, and as long as he keeps his focus he will have the influence he needs to rear his children to be strong and sensitive.

Bob's ultimate cool dad list:

  • Problem solve. Be the fix-it dad -- not just with the DVD wires or speakers, but with situations and kid drama. Get the kids used to knowing that Dad is willing to help. Dads have learned something in all those years they were being cool. Share some of that knowledge.
  • Focus on the kids. Be actively engaged in your child's life. Go to their city league basketball game. Cheer loudly and hold up a homemade sign.
  • If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you make a family rule, follow it. If you say you will be there to pick them up at 4, be there at 4. Trust is cool.
  • Focus on the positive. Catch your child at the moment they are doing good things and complement them. Try doing this in front of their friends.
  • Let kids experience the natural consequences of their actions or choices (unless it is unsafe for them). If your son wants to wear his cool new sports tank top to an evening football game in November, let him. Either he will learn or not.
  • Be known for being "huggie". If your kid professes to not be into hugging, then tell him it helps your self-esteem, and that a happy parent grants more privileges.
  • Make it a habit to tell your child you love her even if she does stupid things or messes up. Don't say "What is up with you?" Do say "What is up with that kind of behavior" or "This behavior isn't like you..."
  • Roll with the punches and teach your kids to do the same. Show your child the difference between a knee-jerk reaction and a thought-out response.
Is this the same cool list as Bob's children have? Bob doesn't really care as long as his kids know he loves them and that he would sacrifice his time to be with them.

Now, that's cool.

Adult Bob's letter to Jr High Bob: "I'm an adult dude. I like my hat, and I am concerned with important things. You grew up to be a good dad. Really - Bob.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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