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This simple solution will help families sort out finances as parents grow older
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The annual Fidelity Investments Family and Finance Study found adult children are more willing to help their aging parents than their parents think. But there's often a major disconnect between generations on what the future is likely to hold. - photo by Lois M Collins
When Shira Boss was little, her family a single dad and his three daughters had a meeting every Sunday to go over their calendars and deal with other issues. It's a habit that changed but didn't die just because the children grew up and moved to different states. Now, the family meeting is an annual event.

"On that agenda we always discuss updates to estate plans and other financial affairs," said Boss, of New York City. "Anyone with an issue raises it. Everything is in the open. My sister is the secretary and keeps minutes from all past meetings."

That kind of forthright discussion is not necessarily the norm as parents age and children become adults who may one day be called on to take some responsibility for them. A recent Fidelity Investments Family and Finance Study found some major disconnects between parents and their adult children when it comes to retirement preparedness, elder care and estate planning.

In the survey, 43 percent of parents said they had not discussed in-depth their plans or feelings about long-term care and elder care. An additional one-fourth hadn't discussed it at all. That's a major stressor for their children: 72 percent said their parents should be addressing that. And while 69 percent of parents think they've talked about their will and estate planning with their kids, more than half of the adult children surveyed say those conversations have not occurred.

The silence is somewhat deafening as families put off important conversations, said John Sweeney, executive vice president at Fidelity.

"We've been taught throughout our lives, 'don't talk about money, don't talk about what you make, don't talk about what you have.' So it's no surprise that aging parents have a difficult time talking about their financial readiness and retirement preparedness with their children," he said. "When you add in other complexities my health is declining, I may need additional help it's a challenging conversation to initiate with anyone."

The good news, for parents, is they underestimate how willing their adult children will be to help them out. While 93 percent of parents think it wold be "unacceptable" to depend on their children for financial support, just 30 percent of the adult kids feel that way, the survey found.

Out of sync

Among the disconnects the survey found between parents and their adult children:

Ninety-two percent of parents have decided which one of their children will serve as an estate executor, but more than a fourth of those designated children do not know it.

Similarly, 72 percent of parents expect one of their children to take on long-term caregiving if it's needed, but 40 percent of those adult children who are expected to step up don't know it.

In terms of money management, 69 percent of parents expect one of their children will help manage their investments and retirement, but more than one-third of those adult children who have been designated do not know it.

Those are conversations that need to take place, Sweeney said, noting that the eldest daughter is often expected to fill the caregiver role, whether she knows it or not. Adult children should ask parents about their expectations. And oldest daughters should definitely initiate the conversation, he said, because there's a good chance the parents expect her to step up and provide care.

Shattering the silence

Parents should talk to their kids and explain what the children will find when estate-planning documents are completed. When one dies, it's too late to explain why one child received more money than another or was trusted to manage things even if there was a perfectly good reason. Sweeney said parents should not leave their children guessing but should spell it out in advance. Otherwise, the children may live on with hard feelings about each other.

One of the questions Sweeney hears a lot is "Is there a dollar number?" He said the number is different for everyone. "While you're working, burn less than you earn. But everyone's situation is different."

The goal is to have an income stream for life. "People need to figure out how to withdraw savings in a way that lets the money they've saved last. And even before that, they need to pay off the mortgage, downsize and trim expenses so they are lower than when one was working," he said.

Myers recommends her clients read a book by Tim Prosch called The Other Talk: A Guide to Talking with Your Adult Children about the Rest of Your Life, which advocates having ongoing conversations with family members. Those discussions should include both what you want to have happen and what you don't, across a range of topics, from ideal living arrangements to medical needs and end-of-life choices. He also recommends introducing to your financial advisors the family members or others who will have some responsibility for your personal matters later. It will help the transition.

Tips from the Fidelity report include encouraging family members to ask detailed questions, "even if the answer seems obvious." The children in 30 percent of the families surveyed didn't agree on whether they even knew where to find key documents. Fidelity said family roles should be clearly defined, such as who will have power of attorney or serve as executor.

The report also notes that discussions should follow a "voice, not vote" rule: While everyone has some voice in the planning process, ultimate decisions belong to the adults who are "charting the course of the rest of their lives."

Finally, nothing replaces the value of ongoing conversations.

Boss is enthusiastic about her family's annual meetings. "I highly recommend this system for all grown-up families! If you can't meet, you could do a conference call. But meetings are really nice!"
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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