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The 5 Cs of a strong marriage
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In our four decades of working with families and observing all kinds of marriage situations, we have become convinced that there are five elements that maximize the chances for a marriage to be nourishing, loving, enduring and romantic. - photo by Linda and Richard Eyre
The all-too-common notion today that marriage kills romance and ends courtship could not be more false. And the impression we sometimes get that people no longer want to be married or get married is simply not true.

Surveys show that despite the contrary impressions we may get from media and other popular culture, nearly all Americans would like to be married and to have a good and lasting marriage relationship.

But are some losing touch with the things that make strong marriages? Are people forgetting that there are some ingredients that we have to supply if we want to find a reliable recipe for a romantic, happy, lasting marriage?

In our four decades of working with families and observing all kinds of marriage situations, we have become convinced that there are five elements that maximize the chances for a marriage to be nourishing, loving, enduring and yes romantic.

Dont glance at this list and disqualify yourself if you are not observing all of its items, because the lovely thing about these elements is that they can actually be recovered within a relationship even if they have not always been practiced.

None of them are easy, though, nor should they be, because they are all part of the hard work that it takes to live happily and romantically with another person for the rest of your life.

We call them the five Cs.

Chastity and fidelity: The words sound old-fashioned to us today, which is an indication of how far societys expectations have slipped. In a world that has become amoral on many levels, sex is often thought of as a form of recreation rather than a sacred gift that one can choose to share with only one other person. Those who make that exclusive choice find a higher realm of security and joy.

Courtship: Another concept that many seem to think is from a bygone age is real one-on-one dating. Dating can be not only the best way to get to know another person but also a wonderful and exciting kind of wooing theres another old word and exploring and discovery that exercises both our creativity and our constraint. The alternatives of hanging out and hooking up have none of the beautifully romantic potential of real courtship. And courtship is not just something that should precede marriage; it should continue and even reach new levels within marriage. Married couples that still try to manage a romantic, weekly date, even if it involves a lot of logistics and baby sitters, seem to preserve and even build on the excitement and attraction they initially developed for each other.

Compatibility: This word, often used today as a justification for cohabitation (to see if we are physically and sexually compatible), should instead be used in an emotional context. When a couple thinks of courtship and dating as a way of getting to know each other emotionally and mentally, compatibility becomes a wonderfully interesting and nuanced question. And when it is pursued first, the sexual compatibility that comes later will be far more beautiful and rewarding. Then, as years go by, that closeness has the inexhaustible potential to continue to deepen and expand.

Commitment: It is the chastity, courtship and emotional compatibility that make full and total and joyous commitment possible. In a world that often associates commitment with a loss of freedom or independence, we need to know that exactly the opposite is true. When full and forever, unqualified and unconditional commitment is made to each other, it brings with it a kind of wondrous liberation and peace that cant be found elsewhere. Everlasting but also forever capable of being renewed, exclusive commitment is the ultimate gift.

Celebration: Those who have found the joy of committed marriage not an endless conflict-free bliss but a worked-for, stay-at-it kind of happiness need to celebrate it more! We need to be advocates for the five Cs and let others know by our example and our attitudes that we have found the best, most efficient, most secure and joyous way to live.

Now, lets end with this: Many people, when they read these brief overviews of the five Cs, have two conflicting and opposite sensations. One is the tendency to reject them to feel that they are outdated and not possible in todays world, that they are so far from the norms they have practiced and become used to that they are not even worth considering.

But the other sensation is a certain longing, a certain attraction to the kind of honor and romance and excitement that the five Cs arouse in the back part of our minds.

We are believers. We are converts to the wonder and beauty of this type of lifestyle. And we are practicing the fifth C right now, right here in this article celebrating and expressing gratitude for what we believe is the happiest way to live, and suggesting that it is available to everyone, at any life stage and with any history, if they are willing to work for it.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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