By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
Teaching my boys to use their words wisely
955af5b20e3904406ab61c50fec5b5270b1fc4f1fb1e91ac6eb862471f504174
Carmen's husband, Brad, with three of their boys: Boston, Beckham and Briggs. - photo by Carmen Rasmusen Herbert
I was around 8 years old when I was first made uncomfortable by a boys comments.

We were in second grade. I was waiting in line to sharpen my pencil, and he came up to me from behind and announced he knew what made me a girl. I remember feeling extremely embarrassed that he not only pointed it out, but that he thought it would be funny to speak of something so private in such a loud, public way.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was at a party one night and an older boy grabbed me and dangled me over my friends two-story banister. Terrified, I clung to his neck as tight as I could while he laughed, showing off to his friends how much I liked him because I wouldnt let go. I didnt like him so much after that.

In college, I was walking back to my dorm when I saw a guy I knew hanging around outside. We started chatting and he made some comment, so I swatted at his chest in a playful gesture. Suddenly, he lunged toward mine. I hit his hand away, hard.

What do you think youre doing? I asked, appalled.

You touch mine, I touch yours, he responded.

Disgusted and furious, I began to explain the difference between male and female bodies as if we were back in second grade, and then stopped. It was clear to me this guy had no respect for me, or my body or women in general.

When I began dating my husband, Brad, I mentioned this incident. I wanted to see how he would react when he heard another man had tried to touch me inappropriately. If he laughed, I would have left him as fast as I left the other guy. If he brushed it off, it would also have been a deal breaker.

But instead, Brad clenched his jaw and shook his head in anger. What a jerk, he mumbled under his breath. And for that and a hundred other reasons, I knew Brad was a good man. I knew he was taught by his parents to respect women.

I never felt nervous or uncomfortable when I was dating Brad. In fact, he made me feel better about myself. He spoke highly of me to my face and to others. He was kind and gentle. He never spoke negatively about other women, and in fact, to this day, I have never heard him utter a vulgar or derogatory word toward another female.

That is exactly how I want to raise our four boys.

In light of the recent news of Donald Trumps lewd leaked tape in which he uses filthy language to describe women, I have experienced these flashbacks in my life when men have made me feel like an object instead of an individual, like prey instead of a person. I am of the opinion that you cannot separate a person and their politics.

I believe an individuals values and standards mold and shape their character and their thoughts, influencing their views on everything. The late poet and activist Maya Angelou once said, When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.

I will never forget lying in bed talking on the phone to Brad, who then was my fianc, when suddenly I saw a pair of eyes peering at me through the crack in my door. I was home alone except for some construction workers two floors down doing the finishing work on our basement. I just had time to focus on his face and bolt upright in bed before he realized I wasnt asleep and that whatever plans he had would probably not work out. He took the entire flight of stairs in three steps, running back to the basement while I ran down after him, trying to catch a glimpse of who he was.

Face burning and heart pounding, I walked outside where the project manager was going over paperwork with some of the guys.

One of your men was spying on me in my room, I said. He looked mildly surprised.

Oh, really? he asked, and casually looked around. Have any of you guys been upstairs?

Obviously, everyone said no.

Hmm, well Im sorry, miss. Ill talk to my guys and see if we can get it figured out.

I knew he didnt believe me, and even if he did, he didnt seem all that concerned, which bothered me even more. I told my parents and they called the company, but nothing was ever resolved. After all, what could I prove? Nothing happened.

But nothing has to happen to make us women feel like we always have to be on guard. Brushing aside vulgar language as locker room talk or inappropriate behavior to a boys will be boys mentality is just another excuse for society to keep our men at a lower level.

I wont have it. I have four young men who I am trying my best to bring up to a higher level. My husband and I have placed an emphasis on teaching them the importance of respect, to all individuals, but especially to women. Brad always tells them to open doors for me when we walk into a building, and I smile as I watch eight feet scramble toward the door and try to pry it open with their tiny hands, using their entire body weight to hold it.

If ever I hear them using potty language which seems so innocent as young children but can quickly turn worse as time goes on I am quick to squash it. Dirty words are not funny words, at any age.

I hope with all my heart women can stand up for ourselves, and stand up for our sons who do not have to conform or settle when it comes to being men. I believe they have unlimited and incredible potential to be refined, respectful and well-regarded. And it starts with us, in the home, teaching them and reminding them daily to use their words wisely.

Especially since words can become so much more, as shared in this thought, which is commonly attributed to Mahatma Gandhi:

Your beliefs become your thoughts,

Your thoughts become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny.
Sign up for our E-Newsletters
How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
ce406c66b9871a104ac24256a687e4821d75680dcfc89d9e5398939543f7f88f
A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
Latest Obituaries