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Putting the family council to work
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Some of our best moments as a family come when we take the time to talk as equals. - photo by Erin Stewart
Flatulence was the topic of the night at our most recent family council.

Apparently the quality and quantity of said flatulence was bothering one member of our family enough that it became the big discussion of the night. By the end of our council, we had developed a new family motto of sorts: Farts are not weapons.

This is top-notch parenting right here, people. And really, it's just good advice for everyone.

The no-farts-as-weapons conversation undoubtedly ranks as the most hilarious family council weve ever had, and its an awesome example of why I love gathering my family to counsel together. Getting together to debrief with my children on whats important in their lives gives me insight into their days, their worries and the issues that may be developing under the radar.

In the most recent general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles encouraged family councils, saying, Finally, please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes."

In our family, we try to meet each week after dinner one night (usually Sunday) to discuss three topics:

  1. Major accomplishments for the past week.
  2. Upcoming events we should all know about.
  3. Any issues of concern.
The gas discussion cropped up under item No. 3, which is usually where the most interesting conversations take place. And while that discussion was more lighthearted, I am sometimes surprised at what is weighing on my children.

In a more serious conversation, for example, my oldest daughter said she wanted my husband and I to stop arguing in front of the kids. In my mind, we were simply having a pretty civilized disagreement that afternoon while the kids played. To my daughter, however, it felt like fighting and made her sad and uncomfortable.

I love that she felt safe enough in our family council to bring this up so I could be more aware of the tone in our home

Over the years, we have fine-tuned our family council system.

First, councils are not forums for debate. Councils are for listening. Kids and parents should be able to say how they feel without facing a rebuttal. This is not a time for accusations or defense, just a time to share real emotions.

Second, write it down. I have kept a family council journal, which shows the things we were excited about at different times in our lives, as well as the commitments we made to each other to do better. Yes, that means Farts are not weapons is in there, recorded for our great-great-grandchildren to read and revere us as the amazing parents we clearly are.

Third, be consistent. Kids always feel safer with regularity. They may not chime in with their serious thoughts the first few times you hold a family council, but if you do it routinely, they will feel comfortable sharing and they will expect respect in return.

And finally, the most important thing Ive learned about family council is that it truly needs to be a council of equals. While my husband and I usually guide the discussion, we are not in charge of it. Everyone has a voice and everyone is entitled to their emotions.

More than anything we do as a family, this few minutes each week of counseling together bonds us as a family, a unit of cooperation and love that wants the best for each other and is willing to work to achieve it.

How do you get the most out of your family councils?
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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