By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
How to talk to your spouse without offending
7856e376092b61c4f95a75a342fe3218226a9baeca5d0c175205a5a619f2f420
In this edition of LIFEadvice Coach Kim gives valuable tips on improving your marriage and especially your communication. - photo by Kim Giles
Question:

I just read your article about having a victim mentality. What would you recommend to someone who has a spouse with this victim mindset? The problem is that it terrifies our young kids, and the older ones have seen the behavior so often that they are jaded against it. This probably is making things worse because it makes her believe that truly nobody cares when, in fact, they just realize that there is nothing they can say or do to make things right. My wife stonewalls any effort to communicate about this. I have suggested counseling in the past, but she refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem. How do you help someone break this cycle?

Answer:

This is tricky because its impossible to change or fix other individuals until they decide they are ready (and want) to change, and she really does need some professional help to change how she is feeling, seeing things and behaving.

Here are a few things you can do to get her ready and open to changing:

  1. Do some family self-esteem repair. Your spouse is drowning in fear of failure that she isnt good enough. This is why she can't handle any conversation about her faults. In her mind, if she has any faults at all then she is worthless and the pain behind that is terrible. This is why she gets defensive when you bring up her behavior. You can start fixing this by giving her lots of positive validation (pointing out everything good about her), but that alone won't be enough.

    What she needs is a fundamental shift in her core beliefs about herself and where her value comes from. In my book "Choosing Clarity," I explain how to change your core beliefs and replace them with more positive, fearless ones. Even if she wont read it, you should, and you should start teaching the principles to your family.

    She (and most of us) believe our value as human beings is changeable and on the line. We think we can earn more value through our appearance, performance and the acceptance of others, and we can lose value if our appearance or performance is bad or others dont approve of us. We subconsciously see life as a test where we must earn our value, which means we can also fail.

    Most of us have an almost debilitating fear of failure, which makes us desperate for validation, sympathy love and reassurance. This neediness also makes us less capable of showing up for others and meeting their needs. Can you see how this is happening with your spouse? She is so scared she isnt good enough that she has nothing to give you or the kids. She is a bundle of neediness because she is scared.

    It would help your whole family if you worked on changing this belief. You can teach them to believe that human beings have infinite, absolute, intrinsic value that doesnt change. Start teaching your children and your spouse that their value comes from their uniqueness, as one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human souls, and about their nature as divine beings. Teach them that life is a classroom not a test (which means everything they experience is a lesson, not something that counts against their value). Teach them that faults, mistakes and weaknesses are part of the classroom so we can grow, but they dont mean we have less value than anyone else. This means its OK to be imperfect, struggling and flawed. Teach them to see all human beings as having the same value, all the time, no matter what. If you work on changing this core belief first, your spouse will be in a better place to talk about changing her behavior (because her value wont be attached to it).

    There are lots of free resources on my website (podcasts, articles, worksheets and a fear assessment) to help you change this belief. I hope you will take advantage of these and work on this, because it is the single most powerful, life-changing thing you could do for your family. This one belief causes most of our suffering, stress and discouragement. If you can help your wife change this belief, you will soon be able to talk about any issue without upsetting her.

    Your wife also has "fear of loss" issues, which come from a faulty belief that people and life can do her wrong and make her life less than what it should have been. This is where her victim mentality comes from. You can also teach your family to see life as wise teacher that knows what it is doing and is always bringing you experiences that serve your growth. You can teach them to trust the process of life and greet each situation with curiosity and gratitude for what it will teach them. Overcoming a fear of loss will really help with her victim mentality.

    Most couples who are struggling in their marriage think they are having communication problems, but communication skills arent really the problem.

    The real problem is they both have fears, which show up every time they try to talk to each other. Both of them are afraid they arent good enough and are afraid of loss (being taken from or unappreciated), and these fears make them defensive, selfish and needy, a state where they are incapable of love. Fear always makes you focused on what you need or arent getting and in this state you arent capable of giving any love. That is why you both feel unloved: You are both too scared and worried about your self.

    If you want better communication in your marriage, start by working on your fears of failure and loss. When you both feel safe, whole and good about yourself, you will be able to talk about anything.

  1. Have a mutually validating conversation with her and recommend help for both of you. There are great instructions for having validating conversations (the right way) on the downloads page on my website. First, ask questions and listen to how she feels about your relationship, life and family. What problems does she see? What does she think you can do to make things better? What could you do to be a better husband? Listen, honor and validate whatever she says and asks for.

    Then say something like, Honey, I really want us to have a great marriage and be the best parents we can be. I'm wondered if you would be open to both of us getting some life coaching or counseling so we can improve our relationship skills, learn how to have a richer marriage and be really good parents. Would you be open to doing that with me?

    Let her know she is a wonderful person, you adore her and you are lucky to be married to her, and you always want to keep moving forward and learning new things so your life together will get better and better.

    Offer to pay for some life coaching or counseling for both of you, but be very clear this is about wanting both of you to be happier and healthier. Iits not about fixing her. Find a coach or counselor that will work with each of you separately on the same material at the same time. This will give each of you a safer space to work on yourself. Trust me, this works much better than going together. Your spouse needs a place to own her victim drama and work on changing herself, without you in the room. She will feel better about it if you are willing to work on you too.

You can do this.
Sign up for our E-Newsletters
How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
ce406c66b9871a104ac24256a687e4821d75680dcfc89d9e5398939543f7f88f
A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
Latest Obituaries