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How some women replaced pain with purpose and joy on Mother's Day
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SALT LAKE CITY As a midwife, Sara Vranes makes her living helping other women have babies. And while she loves welcoming those new lives and the joy they bring to their parents, she admits her work brings a little twinge of sadness sometimes. It's not jealousy or bitterness. At 32, she just wants a baby herself. And each Mother's Day that rolls around leaves her with a sense of loss.

She's not alone in being less than joyful on Mother's Day. The year that Heather Monahan divorced, Mothers Day arrived with a thud. Her son was a year old, so she didnt get breakfast in bed or a delightful crayon drawing framed in popsicle sticks, or even an I love you, Mommy. When kids are really little, its up to adults to provide the trappings of the day. She had no one to do that.

Paige Arnof-Fenn hasn't walked down the card aisle at the drugstore in May for seven years, not since the day her mom died the same weekend as her birthday and Mother's Day.

For many, Mothers Day is a great time to gather and shower a beloved woman with tokens of appreciation to the tune of about 133 million greeting cards and scads of flowers. The National Retail Federation said Americans will spend about $23.6 billion this year on Mothers Day, one of America's biggest gift-giving holidays.

But its not a day of joy for all women, including some mothers. Dr. Susan Noonan, a physician and certified mental health peer specialist in Boston, lists many reasons women say this greeting-card holiday doesnt light them up: Some mothers and their children are estranged. Some mothers have outlived a child. Some women are desperate to have children but have not been able to, for a number of possible reasons. Some women have children who cause them great stress or even sorrow. The holiday can be tough on moms whove divorced especially right after the relationship fractured. Its also a rough day for children of all ages if their mother has died. Those situations, she says, all carry grief.

If youre a mom whod rather sleep through Mother's Day or you know someone who fits those descriptions, read on. There are strategies for finding joy on what for some has been a painful day.

"The goal is not to avoid it or feel like you have to tippy-toe. Call it out as what it is," says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, California, who says friends can help those who suffer, often just by reaching out.

A different kind of day

Mothers Day was born of a daughters response to her mothers prayer. As a child, Anna Jarvis heard her mom pray for a day commemorating mothers, after teaching a Sunday School class about mothers in the Bible. After her mom died in 1905, Jarvis led efforts to establish such a day. Mothers Day became official in 1914.

Historians say Jarvis pictured a quiet, reverential holiday that would bring children and their mothers together; she disliked its evolution into a preprinted-cards-and-candy sales event, which she rallied against. Shed have hated that it is now second only to Christmas as a gifting event.

But shed have loved that more than 100 years later, children are still giving their moms a little extra love and accolades on this day.

No count exists of how many women fill a mother role in America, but the number is huge. The Census Bureau says there are 43.5 million mothers between the ages of 15 and 50. That number doesnt include older mothers and stepmothers and foster mothers and aunts and grandmothers and other surrogates who mother children, either.

For some of them and for others, too the day is challenging, including parents with a child who is troubled or sick or severely disabled, Noonan says.

It can be challenging if you experience depression in general, or it can trigger a depressed mood, she says of all those challenges. Theres a lot of pressure put on people because of media images, everything portrayed to be perfect. You make the perfect dinner, arrange the perfect day, or try to live up to traditions. Those are artificial images and you cant meet those. Its pressure we put on ourselves.

And on each other.

Olivia Moore Brower, 38, of Taylorsville, Utah, is happy to be the mom to six kids ages 6 to 18 and to welcome a niece who lives with them, too. But she thinks women often feel inadequate as they compare themselves to other moms. "I don't love the over-idealization of what mothers should be," she says. "Then there's the guilt over feeling that way because at least you get to be a mom, and many others can't for various reasons. I had an amazing mom and I don't feel like I can live up to her. I have amazing kids and I love being a mom, it's just that on Mother's Day it's easy to take inventory of all the things I wish I was."

Others struggle because the day reminds them of personal disappointments or loss.

Gabrielle Davis, the founder of "Lupus Sistas," battles lupus and kidney disease and as a result, hasn't been able to conceive, so Mothers Day makes her feel sad. Davis, a patient advocate, was 27 when she was first diagnosed and the disease has only gotten worse. She'd just married and the diagnosis wiped out their plans to start a family quickly. She put it off, hoping her kidneys would improve, but they got worse. In hindsight, I wish Id gotten pregnant early, she says.

Because shes in prime mothering age, shes often handed a flower or told "Happy Mothers Day" at church or other celebrations, year after year. She knows the greeting is sincere, but it's bittersweet.

Sherry Gavanditti of Beachwood, Ohio, also struggles on Mother's Day. Her mom was murdered when she was 10. Now 54, she works at a nursing home and "I have many dear, dear female 'mother figures' who give me great joy and much love. Still, Mother's Day is and always has been hard for the three of us kids, even now that we are all grown. On that day, we call each other to say 'I love you' and 'we'll always have each other' and we know that our mother loved us unconditionally."

For Vranes, the midwife, Mother's Day is a milestone that stands out as she marks the passage of time.

"Each year is another where I do not have a baby. I feel that yearning and that desire so strongly," she says, but adds she doesn't want to venture into motherhood without a partner and she hasn't found the right guy. "I am happy for women who trust me to care for them and help them on their journey toward motherhood. But I wish it would be for me."

Helping yourself

For Monahan, a 42-year-old media expert and career coach in Miami, Florida, the passage of time has helped since that Mother's Day with a 1-year-old baby. "Now I have a 9-year-old who does things. And I think the more space between the divorce and Mothers Day, the better I became at enjoying it and planning for it, she says.

She also changed her perspective and found a way to embrace the day. "After my first Mothers Day alone, I decided Im not going to put myself through that again. I planned ahead.

The suggestion she guarantees will chase the blues away? Doing something to help someone in a worse situation than you have yourself always makes you feel better and helps put things in perspective. She suggests volunteering at a shelter for women with children.

She also recommends being sociable. Everyone knows Mother's Day is coming, so use this time to reach out to other single friends, or girlfriends or even friends who have family and find out what they are doing. Theres nothing wrong with getting a bunch of single moms together and throwing a little party.

Davis hopes to eventually adopt, but for now, she mothers in other ways, working with youth in her church. Counseling has helped her cope with both illness and her change of plans. Its OK to hurt, to be sad about it, she says. Reach out to someone. The problem is when you stay there and play those negative thoughts over and over.

While there's no right or wrong way to experience a holiday, Stephanie O'Leary, a clinical psychologist and author of "Parenting in the Real World," says to be honest with yourself about what you need on Mother's Day, even if it's to let the day pass without fanfare.

Noonan recommends finding activities and people that bring pleasure. And she, too, suggests looking beyond yourself. Spending time with your own mom or other women who have nurtured you is a lovely way to pass the day, she notes.

Sheri McGregor, the author of "Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children," is estranged from one of her adult kids. She says 1 in 10 families includes an estranged adult. Her advice includes remembering it's just one day and keeping expectations realistic. Plan to minimize what bothers you and do enjoyable activities, she says.

She also sends cards to women who played a mother role in her life. Other do's include taking a hike or planting flowers, doting on pets and being honest about wants or needs for the day.

For those who are estranged, Noonan suggests considering mending the rift.

Noonan tells parents with a troubled child or one who's ill to be kind to themselves. "Remind yourself that you are doing your best, and try to focus on (your child's) good qualities, strengths, and achievements. While you may need to set boundaries with a troubled teen, theres still an opportunity to involve him or her in family activities where he will feel loved and included."

Brita Long, 29 and married, does not have children, so Mother's Day was always about her mother, Lee Haugen Long. She died two years ago, and her daughter, who lives in Cumming, Georgia, has found some comfort and joy in blogging about her mom. Several experts consulted for this story say writing is a great relief for people who struggle with this or any holiday.

Folks usually know what situations trigger their strong emotional response, says Jasmine Menser-Lust, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Oak Brook, Illinois. She says to pay attention to how you're feeling, but "while isolation may be the knee-jerk reaction, try to stay connected with those who truly support you."

Isolation amplifies negative feelings, she says. Anyone in crisis can call a 24/7 National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, she adds. Trained crisis workers can provide "in-the-moment" support.

Gavanditti lives far from her mother's grave, but on Mother's Day, she makes it a point to visit a woman's grave "someone else's mother, perhaps" and remember her time with her mom, who she remembers as kind and brave and "relentless in caring for us."

To honor her mom's memory, Gavanditti does different things each year. She's spoken at domestic abuse shelters, for example, and written about her mother's life and the abuse she endured. She tells her daughters about her mom, listens to songs her mother loved and "above all, I stand up for women's rights."

Helping others

While women can help themselves, there's a lot that others can do, too. Menser-Lust says not to assume that a woman is a mother, advice she particularly offers those in customer service positions. She suggests companies train their employees to connect with consumers as they would on a normal business day.

For those who don't know what to say when a close friend struggles, Menser-Lust says that's OK. Just be there with an offer of genuine support.

Start new traditions to honor someone who is no longer there by setting an empty place at the table or saying kind words of remembrance during dinner, says Adina Silvestri of Life Cycles Counseling in Richmond, Virginia.

Arnof-Fenn, whose mother Terri died near Mother's Day, now spends the day with others who lost their mom. The Cambridge, Massachusetts, woman and her husband spent a memorable holiday in New York not long ago with another couple. All of their mothers had passed away, so "we got concert tickets and a reservation to a hot restaurant where we toasted our moms and really splurged. It was fun, not depressing!"

Gavanditti sees her mother in her children and their interactions with their children. "I know that loving my daughters and teaching them strength, courage, compassion, forgiveness and self-respect is the best way of all that can I honor my mom on Mother's Day and all days. Every Mother's Day, I take a deep breath and say a prayer for her soul and I hear her voice in my head saying she loves me. I smile and I continue on, knowing I must pay homage to her legacy by being the best mom I can be."
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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