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How my children helped me learn to love myself
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Emi Willing, holding her youngest Kanoelani, poses for a family photo with her husband RJ Willing and children (back to front), Emoani, Castle and Lily. - photo by Emi Willing
All my life, I defined myself as an athlete. I lived it, breathed it and looked the part. I loved who I was.

After having kids, I was no longer an athlete. I no longer lived the part, breathed it or looked any part of an athlete. I looked worn out, tired and exhausted from raising little ones, learning to be organized and trying to keep a tidy house. I was always tired. Someone always needed something, and the house was always messy. It was frustrating, discouraging and downright terrible. It was hard. I could do hard things as an athlete, but raising kids, keeping myself together and having a family is really, really difficult.

There were many moments of pure joy. However, there was always something or someone to clean and something that went wrong. The screams, the cries and the messes overshadowed any amount of good or light that tried to break through the darkness. It was like a little plant that began to grow, just to have someone cover the light or stomp all over the plant. My faith diminished, my darkness grew and any love I had for myself faded away.

I couldn't keep up with it all. There was too much chaos. There were too many needs. The messes, the screaming and the crying made me feel completely inadequate. I lost faith in myself as a parent, as a companion and as a person. It was heartbreaking, so I started to hide.

I hid behind the camera. I was ashamed to take pictures of myself let alone share them on social media. What would people say who haven't seen me in years? What would they think? They remember me as the athlete I was and now they'd see a heavy mom who can't get herself, her kids or her house under control. What should I do?

"Hide!" I thought to myself. "No one wants to see that. You don't have a perfect, happy life like everyone else does. See their smiles in their photos? They're real. You're not who you used to be and it will never happen again. Never.

I constantly hid under larger clothes and behind desserts. Donuts, cakes and ice cream were my drugs of choice. I felt a high and false sense of happiness after I devoured them all. The sugar high would fade away and I'd be left with an empty Bluebell pint, a dirty spoon to wash and sad feelings that were never satisfied with sweets. The lies fueled my insecurities. The calories piled up and before I knew it, I gained 85 pounds in four years from inactivity and eating everything. I was ashamed of myself. I stayed indoors and hid from the world. "No one wants to see this," I thought to myself. "No one, not even me."

But while it seemed like my kids were babies forever, they eventually started to talk. The screaming subsided, the cries lessened and their little voices were heard. "I love you, Mommy," they'd say. "I love you, you're beautiful." Their eyes drew near to mine. They held my face tight and made sure I made eye contact with them. At the time, I was ashamed to look them in the eye because for years I didn't believe it. I didn't believe I was beautiful. I didn't believe I deserved love because I believed in lies from society. Those lies took over my life. Every day, my husband and my kids combatted these lies and expressed their love for me. It began to sink in.

They sat on my lap, held me tight and whispered their sweet affections for me while being the cutest little things. They didn't care that the kitchen hadn't been cleaned in a few days. They tried to help me. They didn't care that their clothes weren't folded and put away. They didn't care that they ate the same lunch every day. They cared about how we spent our time together, our efforts to help each other, our hugs, our kisses and our affections.

They cared about me. They cared about me because I cared about them. They knew we loved each other and we needed each other.

And I began to care about myself.

I needed them. I needed their love. I needed someone to tell me the truth every day. I was blessed to have four little ones and my best friend to show me they loved me. They took my hand, they made me take pictures with them, and they made me put a smile on my face and look in the mirror with them. Slowly, the layers of self-loathing peeled away.

I'm 40 pounds away from my goal weight, but more importantly, I have never loved myself more than I love me now. I'm so grateful for my kids and my husband who taught me the truth. They taught me to care only about what your loved ones think. They taught me that no amount of ability is worth a darn if you cannot give a good hug. They taught me that kisses can cure even the most painful "owies."

I am amazing. I don't need to do amazing things or edit out my insecurities. I just need to be me.

Love who you are and cherish who you are. There is only one of you in the entire universe. Start loving yourself now, you can do it. I've been there before and I believe in you. Love yourself right now.

Ready, set, go.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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