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How I degrade myself as a mom with this one word
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Erin Stewart and her family when her daughters were younger. - photo by Erin Stewart
I sat down with fellow columnist Carmen Rasmusen Herbert in a KSL radio studio a few weeks ago to discuss the quest for perfection among mothers.

Of course, I had a lot of thoughts on this topic because its something I talk about often in the hopes of getting mothers to be more real with each other and cut out the illusory competition to be Mother of the Year.

But as I prepared for the interview, I found myself falling into the inadequacy trap. The other show panelists both had four children. I just have two.

And in some bizarre way, this quantifiable fact made me feel like less of a mother. Did I really have any right to be talking about motherhood with my clearly inadequate experience? Who was I to tell other mothers with families of eight anything about being a mom?

When it came time for the radio show, I even introduced myself to the host as having just two kids.

Just.

What a terrible word to describe myself, but I use it all the time without even thinking.

I am just a mom. I just stay home with my children. I just have two kids.

That one little world diminishes everything I am and do as a mother. But I find myself using it again and again. Why? Maybe to sound humble. Maybe to acknowledge that two kids is below the norm in Utah. Maybe, in some weird way, to convey the message that I know Im not as good a mom as you, so you dont need to think it or point it out because I already get it. Im just not enough.

Whatever the reason, the words simply are not true. I am not just anything. By definition, this usage of the word just means nothing other than. What a terrible way to describe myself.

Whatever the reason, I was unhappy with myself for feeling this way at the same time I was preparing to talk about how mothers shouldnt compete with each other but should instead heed the advice that we are doing fine just the way we are.

Theres that word again. Just the way we are. Except this time, it doesnt make me feel small. It doesnt make me feel less. In that context, the word gives me permission to be who I am and what I am, and to know that it is enough.

So while I have two children, and I am keenly aware of the fact that other mothers have more experience and more kids in their homes, that doesnt make me less. My experience is valid and worthy, as are the experiences of mothers who have any number of children with any variety of special needs, differences, personalities and ages. There is no magical scale of motherhood where you earn points based on numbers of babies youve carried or trials youve overcome. A mother is a mother.

And to our children whether there are 10 or one we arent just anything. We are Mom. We are everything.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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