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Coach Kim: How to have a successful stepfamily
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In this edition of LIFEadvice, coaches Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham share their tips to make second marriages and blended families work. - photo by Kim Giles
In this edition of LIFEadvice, coaches Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham share their tips to make second marriages and blended families work.

Question:

I am about to get married for the second time and my fianc and I both have children from our first marriages. I heard the odds of these second marriages are dismal and Im wondering what advice you have for us, that might make it more likely to work out.

Answer:

You are right, the odds are against you. The divorce rate for remarriage is 40 percent.

We believe in first marriages children are a more stabilizing factor, which can actually bind the couple together, where in second or third marriages, they can destabilize the relationship and in some cases purposefully undermine it. If the family has no education about the challenges of blending and enters these marriages unprepared for the difficulties, it is even more likely that children can disrupt the couples relationship.

Most people think they will automatically be more successful the second time around, because of what they learned from the failure of their previous marriages. Unfortunately, this doesnt appear to be true. Most people make the same mistakes again and again, especially if they dont get some coaching, training, education, skills or tools that they didnt have before to help them do their new relationships differently.

Diane Sollee, a family therapist and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education says, "It seems that people would be older and wiser, or learn from the mistakes of a failed first marriage. But that's like saying if you lose a football game, you'll win the next one. You might, but only if you learn some new plays before you go back on the field."

Experts agree the one way to beat the odds is to get educated about step-parenting and blending families. Studies have shown that premarital education of some kind can substantially reduce divorce rates. Couples who seek out professional help and education about creating healthy relationships are more satisfied with their relationships and stay together longer.

Unfortunately, most couples don't seek help. So, we are glad you are seeking out information that is increasing your odds of success already.

Here are our top tips for making blended families work:

1. Set realistic expectations.

A second or third marriage is much more complicated than a first, especially when children are involved. Everyone is coming into this new family with war wounds, baggage and issues from what went wrong the first time, so you are going to have to be even more patient, understanding and prepared for bumps and difficulties.

You must be realistic about the time it takes for children to bond with step-parents and step-siblings. Dont expect them to feel like family right away. It takes a long time, and each person will get there at their own time. The older the child, the longer this takes, so dont be surprised if older children take years or even a decade to get used to this new family arrangement.

2. Learn what the most common challenges are ahead of time, and make a plan to deal with them.

Here are some of the most common difficulties:

  • Differences in values: One family might be used to a really clean organized home, while the other was more laid back. You need to talk about all the things that are important to each of you and that bother each of you ahead of time, and work out some compromises. Both families will need to be willing to bend and be flexible on some level if you want this to work.
  • Differences in parenting styles: Family or house rules need to be determined and set together as a couple, or even with the childrens input, (they are more likely to respect the rules if they have some say in them). Make sure the expectations, rules and consequences are all decided on ahead of time and agreed on. You might consider having the natural parent of each child do the disciplining.
  • Unfairness issues: You will need to make sure that children as much as possible are treated the same. It is very common for step-siblings to feel jealous, and this triggers fear of loss that leads to angry or passive aggressive behavior.
  • Misunderstandings: We highly recommend that you gain some new communication skills, and make sure you both know the right, mutually validating way to approach family members to talk things through. This is gold, and will assure you can work through any issues that arise.
  • Stepkids not liking you: It is normal for children to go through at least a phase of rejecting a new stepparent in their life. Even if you had a good relationship with a child during the dating process, some form of rejection may still show up. If you see this coming, you will be better prepared to ride your way through it.
3. Honor the role of the natural parent.

As a stepparent, you will never be the same as a natural parent. You must respect the natural parents role and adjust to a new kind of role yourself. Your stepparent role is more like that of a caring uncle or aunt who can be there to provide support, encouragement and even guidance, but always honor the natural parent's right to be the decision maker and the one to discipline their children.

4. Dont expect or demand anyone to bond, but expect and demand everyone be respected.

It is not realistic to expect everyone in a blended family to like each other, but you should expect mutual respect. If your stepfamily is going to work, children and parents must respect everyone else in the home. This means listening to their thoughts and feelings and respecting their right to feel the way they do. Respect must happen in every interaction.

5. Understand blending takes time.

It will take longer than you think, probably years longer, and this blending process cannot be rushed. Everyone involved needs time to process their pain, guilt and confusion around this divorce and remarriage. Couples will often pressure children to love their new stepparent right away. This kind of pressure will hinder the process. Give each child the time and space to accept their new stepparent and adjust to the new arrangement on their own time. If you let them set the pace, they will have a more positive experience.

6. Work on yourself.

Dont focus on finding a better spouse the second time; focus on being a better spouse this time, and things will go better. Work on being less selfish and more giving than you used to be. Get some personal coaching or counseling and work to repair self-esteem issues, trust issues or emotional issues you are still carrying from your first relationship. Because conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, better communication skills are critical. Learn how to set your opinions aside up front and ask about how the other person feels first. Listen and validate his or her feelings by honoring their right to think and feel the way they do, even when you dont agree. Then ask if they would be open to hearing your thoughts, and speak your truth with love while looking for ways to create win-wins.

7. Face all problems as a team.

Try to step back from every conflict and look at it from a united perspective as a couple against a problem or challenge, not against each other. Even if a conflict is about one partners behavior, still work it through together as a team trying to make your marriage better. If you commit now to not let any challenge come between you, and communicate with love, you can work through anything.

8. Give your spouse room to learn and grow.

Your spouse has never been a stepparent before, or at least not with your kids. You both need some time to figure the whole thing out. Love is about letting someone be imperfect and in process. Its about being patient and not expecting them to do everything right and right away.

You can expect children to try to sabotage the relationship, ex-spouses to be difficult and stepsiblings to not get along. These are all par for course, but committed couples can make it work. Just seek out professional help before and throughout the relationship to increase your odds of success.

You can do this.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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