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Are you and your family speaking different love languages?
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Erin Stewart writes about learning each member of her family's love language. - photo by Erin Stewart
February is all about love, which is incredible timing because if my Facebook feed and basically any media outlet is right, there's a lot of hate in the world right now. Everything from politics to football to inauguration outfits seems to generate mockery and disdain.

So instead of engaging in that animosity, I have been focusing on the love this February. Specifically, I have been revisiting the idea of love languages and how people have unique ways of giving and receiving love.

The idea of love languages was mainstreamed in the 90s by Gary Chapman (see 5lovelanguages.com). Basically, the idea is that every person gives and receives love in a variety of specific ways, including:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Acts of service

3. Receiving gifts

4. Quality time

5. Physical touch

Unfortunately, it may be highly unlikely that your spouse or your children share your same love language. This means couples and parents spend lots of energy and time doing what they think are acts of love for their families, but their efforts fall flat because their loved ones speak another love language.

So this month, Ive been studying each of my children, my husband and myself and trying to determine how we each give and receive love so I can tailor my efforts to each member of my family.

Heres what I found:

My husband and I have completely different love styles, which often ends with both of us feeling like we are putting in a ton of effort without getting much in return. For example, I like words of affirmation, and my husband thinks words are empty gestures. Instead, he shows love by doing acts of service.

This disconnect leads to situations like one recently where I told him I didnt feel loved and he said, But I just spent the entire morning cleaning out your car. When I failed to see how this related, he explained that he was doing it because he loved me. I responded, Yes, but you didnt say you loved me.

As silly as my need for love in actual word form may sound, it matters to me. I need to hear the words. So my husband tries to express his love in words occasionally, and I try to actually do something for him to show Im thinking of him during my day.

For my daughters, Ive discovered that one of my children needs quality time. She feels most loved when I put down my phone, put aside my work and give her direct one-on-one time together.

My other daughter feels loved when she receives gifts. That may sound like a no-brainer because what 6-year-old doesnt love a present, but for this particular daughter, she really feels the most loved when she knows someone has thought about what she likes and picked something just for her. So for her, I try to pick up something small when I am out or even give her something of mine occasionally that reminds me of her. She then puts these treasures in a massive collection of priceless knick-knacks that may one day earn her a spot on the TV show, Hoarders.

But hey, to each her own. And really, thats the whole point of the love languages: To really show love to someone, we need to first learn how they feel that love and then make sure our efforts match their needs and not our own.

I wont pretend to know how to heal a lot of the hate thats circulating through our world right now, but I cant help but think that love starts local; it starts in our homes.

The more we practice loving our families by listening and learning their varied love languages, the more fluent we get in love itself. And who knows? With practice, we might start seeing everyone we meet as capable and worthy of love despite our differences, and well realize weve been speaking the same language all along.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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