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A letter to Stepdads
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Anyone can become a fatherthousands of them are made every single daybut not everyone would choose to step in and become a dad. - photo by Ashlee Birk
Dear Husband,

Today I sat at the final basketball game of the season for our oldest son. In the seat to the right of me was my mother-in-law. To the left was my other mother-in-law . . . your mom. They both cheered loud for our son and watched you coach his team.

I had a moment today. As I watched you out on the courtcoaching and cheering on our sonI thought about the road that got us here. It has been four years since you came into our life. Today I realized something I may have been taking for granted all these years: you chose to be here.

I sometimes forget the feeling of sitting at the funeraljust a few years backand aching that my five kids would not have a dad to help raise them. I forget how my body hurt just thinking about all the moments that we would do alone.

I cried many tears for the fact that my sons would never have a dad to teach them how to play ball, or give them advice about girls. I thought about all the dances and first dates the girls would leave for without a dad to tell them they looked beautiful.

I knew one day I would remarryI hoped they would one day have a stepdadbut I just knew it would never be the same.

And then there you were. It felt like I was in a dreamat firsthaving you love me. Most of the time I felt unworthy of love, butno matter how hard I tried to push you awayyou loved me anyway.

You made my kids feel special, and you were always trying to be there for them. It wasnt always easy for youI could see how hard it was some days to all of a sudden have to balance six kids. I know it was a sacrifice in many ways for you to give the other five some of the energy and love you used to be able to give to just one.

Some days I forget you could have looked at us as used baggage. You could have seen the trauma and imperfections, you could have seen how broken we werebut you didnt. You chose to see so much moreeven more than I could seeyou saw us.

I sometimes forget that you were not always here with me. I forget that you had a life without me; but I also forget that you fell in love with all of usand chose to marry the whole package. I forget that your options were endlessand you still choose us.

Our family isnt normal. We havent always been togetherlike other families have. Sometimes that is hard, and it makes us think maybe all the work isnt worth the fight. But sweet husbandtoday I see you. The you that works hard to love the kids he didnt get to help create. I see youthe man who fathers by choice instead of obligation. I see youthe man who chose to be a dad to five children who had lost hope in having one.

Being a stepdad probably wasnt ever part of your plan. Thats the crazy part about lifeour plans are going to fail. But thank you for taking your failed plan and finding us in ours . . . and becoming a father.

Those moments I just knew life was never going to be the sameI was rightlife has never been the same since my babies lost their father . . . and it never will be. But today as I looked out at a basketball game and watched a stepdad coach a little boy I remembered you were always meant to be his father.

We arent always going to understand the WHYs of this life . . . but the joy that I felt today helped me understand the HOWs. God had a plan for us . . . and He gave us YOU.

Anyone can become a fatherthousands of them are made every single daybut not everyone would choose to step in and become a dad. That kind of a parent takes an extra special personone like you.

Love,

Your wife
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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