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5 symptoms your spouse may have been abused in the past but is scared to tell you about it
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Your spouse's behavior may be trying to tell you something important. - photo by Shannon Symonds
Society does not always respond well to reports of abuse. News stories often show how communities rally around people accused of abuse. For example, in 1975 Mark Hofmann killed several people in Utah to cover his crimes. Twenty years later in a meeting, Hofmann's ex-wife, Doralee Olds, told the audience she felt abandoned when both sides of her family supported her husband. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, Hofmann confessed, but people still supported him.

What message does this send to survivors who are thinking about getting help? Is it any wonder abuse survivors tuck their secrets and feelings away with shame, even though they are not at fault for their abuser's actions?

As of 2010, one in four women and one in seven men have been victims of severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime, according to the Center for Disease Control. One in six American women has experienced attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. One in ten reported rapes involve a male victim, according to RAINN. But, how many sexual and physical assaults go unreported?

RAINN states only 310 of 1,000 rapes are reported, with only 57 perpetrators arrested following a report. Do these statistics make you wonder if someone you know is carrying this dark secret? Could it be your own partner is a survivor and isn't comfortable telling anyone, even you?

How can you tell if your spouse was abused?

The human brain is permanently impacted by trauma, but it can heal. Dr. Daniel Amen reports, "Growing up in a chaotic, aggressive environment causes the same brain changes in children as what soldiers experience in war. It can actually change your brain, perhaps for the rest of your life. While emotional trauma in childhood can follow you into adulthood, it doesnt have to."

And there it is, the good news! Your spouse can heal and get help.

When an abuse survivor is triggered they may:

  • Suddenly become angry for what seems like no reason
  • Disappear, leave or tell you to leave
  • Freeze or experience traumatic immobility. Traumatic immobility is a state of overload which leads to an inability to take action, as your partner is so overwhelmed.
When triggered by sights, smells or sounds, survivors with PTSD experience adrenaline and cortisol dumping into their system. This starts a fight, flight or traumatic immobility response.

Your spouse's PTSD episode might seem out of the blue. Certain sounds, words or smells can trigger your partner and they may become angry, agitated or checked out. Perhaps you'll find a pattern to their behavior over time, but if your spouse has enough triggers it might feel totally random.

For example, a veteran of war may not watch fireworks on Independence Day. A tradition that was a joy becomes a reminder of explosions during the war, triggering the adrenaline and responses.

Being unaware that your partner is an abuse survivor could lead to odd conversations as they try to explain why they're so upset.

Does your partner use alcohol, work long hours or use other coping methods?

Trauma survivors often use tactics to cope with their abuse history. Those tactics can be positive and negative at the same time. For example, according to Maxine Harris, Ph.D., high-cost tactics for self-soothing may involve drugs, alcohol or other addictions and the cost may be incarceration. Low-cost tactics like taking a yoga class may soothe as well as drugs, just in a different way.

In her article "Culture Shock," Harris said, "Understanding trauma...changes fundamental questions... For instance, providers who ask people seeking services 'What has happened to you? are adopting a much more inviting stance than asking, implicitly or explicitly, 'What is your problem?' or 'What is wrong with you?'" It's important for you to know how to ask these questions to help your partner cope.

Basic signs your partner may be an abuse survivor:

  1. Survivors of sexual assault respond in many ways, including not being present during sex or checking out, refusing sex or being overly sexualized.
  2. Survivors may have failed to develop healthy boundaries. Either they keep people at a distance and don't like being touched, or they cross others boundaries by touching them (hugs, pat on the back, rubbing a shoulder) without catching subtle clues the touch isn't welcome.
  3. Random outbursts, running away or checking out after being triggered
  4. Nightmares, intrusive memories
  5. Sleeping with all their clothes on, not bathing or gaining large amounts of weight to keep people from being interested in them sexually
Before you ask your spouse if they are abuse survivors:

  1. Make sure you are ready to hear the answer and give support. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT! Remember, the only person responsible is the abuser, even if the survivor blames themselves.
  2. If you are a survivor, ask a professional to help you if disclosing the abuse will trigger you.
  3. Have the conversation in a safe, private place without distractions or interruptions.
  4. Have a plan to give your spouse support from professionals, family or trusted resources.
  5. Be prepared to accompany them on their journey to healing by taking care of yourself.
  6. If you feel it would help, have the conversation with professional support from a therapist or counselor.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline or RAINN have local resources that are often free.
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How to avoid 'sharenting' and other paparazzi parenting habits
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A recent study revealed parents often spend up to two hours staging a single photo of his or her child to post online. - photo by Amy Iverson
Before having kids, some people just dont appreciate their friends baby posts. But after having a child of their own, three fourths of new parents jump right on the parental social media bandwagon. If you have become a member of this group, there are some rules to follow for posting responsibly.

Much of a parents worry is how to teach their children to use social media responsibly. We talk with our kids about privacy, oversharing, and setting restrictions on their devices to keep them safe. But parents themselves need to look in the digital mirror once in a while. Before having children, it doesnt take as much effort to think about what to post online. Its up to us to decide what we share about our own lives. But once you become a parent, there are many questions to think about regarding what is appropriate to post about your kids on social media.

In a recent survey, kids clothing subscription company Mac and Mia surveyed 2000 new parents to find out how they are documenting their kids lives on social media, and what concerns they may have.

First of all, people without children seem to feel a bit differently about the onslaught of baby pictures online than those who are parents. 18 percent of people say before they had kids, they were annoyed by their friends baby posts. But after having children of their own, 73 percent admit they post progress pictures of their little ones every single month.

Not only are new parents letting the world know each time their baby is a month older, but they are posting about their kids every few days or so. Men and women report they post 6-7 times per month about their baby.

And while 70 percent of new parents say the benefit of using social media is how easy it is to help family and friends feel involved, there are some downsides. Here are a few tips to avoid the pitfall of becoming paparazzi parents.

Dont miss the moment

In the Mac and Mia survey, some parents admitted to spending up to two hours to get the perfect shot of their baby. That seems a little extreme. New and old parents alike should be careful about spending so much time taking pictures and videos that they dont enjoy the moment. Years ago, I decided to never live an experience through my phone. A study by Linda Henkel, a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut, found that when people took pictures of objects in an art museum, they didnt remember the objects as well as if they simply observed them.

This photo-taking impairment effect can happen to parents as well. If we are so consumed by getting the perfect photo, we can miss out on the moment all together, and our memory of it will suffer.

Dont forget about privacy

60 percent of couples say they have discussed rules and boundaries for posting their babys photos, according to the Mac and Mia survey. Even so, men are 34 percent more likely to publish baby posts on public accounts. If parents are concerned about their childrens privacy, keeping photos off of public accounts is a given.

In the Washington Post, Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida, and Bahareh Keith, a Portland pediatrician, wrote that sharing too much information about kids online puts them at risk. They write that all that sharenting can make it easier for data thieves to target out kids for identity theft. Check that your privacy settings are where they should be and never share identifying information like full names and birth dates.

Dont be paparazzi parents

36 percent of parents say they take issue when their childs photo is posted online by someone else. Responsible social media users will always ask permission before posting a photo of another child. But parents should also think about whether their own children will take issue with their own posted photos a few years down the road.

When parents are constantly snapping pictures and throwing them on social media, it can be easy to forget to pause and make sure the post is appropriate. I always use the billboard example with my kids. I ask them to picture whatever they are posting going up on a billboard in our neighborhood. If they are okay with that, then their post is probably fine. Parents should ask themselves this same question when posting about their children. But they should also ask themselves if their child would be OK with this post on a billboard in 15 years. If it would cause embarrassment or humiliation, it might be best to keep it private.

Once children reach an appropriate age, parents should include them in the process of deciding what pictures are OK to post. Researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 10- to 17-year-olds and found children believe their parents should ask permission more than parents think they should. The kids in the survey said sharing happy family moments, or accomplishments in sports, school and hobbies is fine. But when the post is negative (like when a child is disciplined) or embarrassing (think naked baby pictures or messy hair), kids say to keep it off social media.
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